I don’t know how to be married
I 31F married my husband 36M 4 months ago. Our first marriages. We have lived together 2 years. Our wedding was rushed due to parental health issues.
One of the reasons I married him was because we never really fought. I could count on 1 hand the major disagreements we had, almost all were different opinions on parenting. I’ll admit a lot of those conversations that should have been had before the wedding were overlooked. We both avoid conflict because we are both complete assholes in the heat of the moment.
Background: I have always been the head of the household, a single mother of 2, purchased my first home before meeting my husband. I very much have the mindset of “I’m not going to ask my partner for help with finances, because I should not have to”. I.e. fairly sharing household bills. Domestic abuse survivor in every definition of the term. I’m working on overcoming a lot of my toxic trauma responses.
My husband has no children and believed he was destined to be a bachelor forever before we met. So he has never really had to share finances and assumed if I needed help, I would ask. He has his own fair share of trauma but tries his hardest to overcome his own issues.
I’ll admit I do not know how to be a wife. I do not have a solid foundation to build off of, my mom and stepdads marriage is toxic af. I work everyday to be the exact opposite of them but end up acting like my stepdad. I have a hard time not referring to myself as a single mom and hyperfocusing on what I need to accomplish so my family is successful. Basically bulldozing my husband.
There have been more arguments, hurt feelings, and doubts on our future together since the wedding, than ever before. How do we mend this? Where do we start? I didn’t marry this man for it to fail.
We recently spent 2 hours in a heated argument. Thankfully my kids were with family and not subjected to it. However a lot of that argument replays in my mind. His beliefs in my short comings as a partner. My trauma responses. My short comings as a home maker. That the marriage license hasnt been filed, how I slip and refer to myself as a single mother. His own insecurities like the handful of times I’ve taken a break for myself i.e. going to Walmart after the kids are in bed, going for a drive, etc. He thinks I’m cheating (I’ve never cheated on anyone ever).
Tl;dr: scared that my marriage is failing due to frequent conflicts, traumas, lack of communication.
26 comments
You start in marriage counseling and go from there.
Marriage counseling plus individual therapy. I don’t agree with the way your husband accuses you of cheating but you def a lotta unresolved shit that should have been taken care of before the marriage.
It sounds like you’re in for a surprise here – he has his own problems too. You are fighting your problems, you are fighting relationship problems, and you are starting to fight his problems. No wonder things are so hard.
I think that a Get Back to Basics approach might be best here.
I’d like you and your spouse to make time to do the things that made the relationship work when you were living together. One of those things was probably going on dates together and bonding. When’s the last time that that happened? Make it a calendar appointment so that it happens on a regular basis.
It sounds like you have a dire need for you time. When you can be alone and decompress. How can you get some more of that in your schedule?
It also sounds like both of you would do really well to work through a marriage book together, a communication book together, or some sort of marriage counseling. But whatever you do, do it together. As a team.
Being a team is another thing that both of you really haven’t done. I’d love for both of you to work on something together. Buy an Ikea and put it together as a team. Or a Lego set. Or some electronic engineering. Or a model airplane. Something. But do it together and talk to one another as you do it. I really feel like it will help. Whatever things worked to help to get the job done, try to put those into practice in your marriage. Things like talking to one another. Checking in. Seeing how the overall progress is going and how you can help one another. And so on and so forth.
Also, I would like both you and your husband to figure out how you can schedule a nap in. Seriously. It helps so much. A nap. One for you. One for him. Together at the same time is also fine.
Avoiding conflict by not bringing up issues and disagreements means avoiding having a relationship with someone. Being an asshole when you do bring up and handle issues and disagreements generally means being abusive. These are issues that really need to be worked through with a therapist, because if neither of you can handle the most basic foundation of being in a relationship, you both have a lot of work to do. It’s also extremely odd that you have been living together for two years and started fighting now. What changed? What about being married caused you two to start having issues you did not have previously?
Marriage counseling obviously and I do think individuals therapy simply due to your past is necessary.
You don’t say how long you’ve been together, but if you both put in the work to view each other as a Partner to work with as opposed to against, then it may be salvaged but if you guys rushed into this it may simply be that you are incompatible.
You’re going to have to go to marriage counseling, The relationship sounds very dysfunctional even before the wedding because you avoided doing the hard work to build the foundation the marriage will sit on.
Might be a blessing you haven’t filed the marriage license, could just rip it up and annul.
> One of the reasons I married him was because we never really fought. I could count on 1 hand the major disagreements we had, almost all were different opinions on parenting. I’ll admit a lot of those conversations that should have been had before the wedding were overlooked.
This is one of those red flags that at first might seem positive but definitely isn’t.
You’ve been together 2 yrs. I don’t know why suddenly the essence of your relationship has changed just cuz you got married.
If it has – and expectations have changed that’s not healthy. That’s kinda a bait and switch.
Get therapy. But it’s concerning to me that there seems to be moving goalposts.
Thank you kind stranger for providing me some amazing input and advice. You are correct, we have started spending less time together. Ill definitely discuss some of these options with my husband. I have been on wait lists for in person counseling. May have to look into online options.
What do each of you want/expect a marriage to be? It sounds like maybe you’re fighting now because one or both of you expected something to change from being married vs living together, and are not getting what they expect?
First step : file the marriage paperwork. You decided to get married and you got married. So do the paperwork. Together if necessary. Don’t let it hang over you and become a sign of not committing to the family.
Did he move into your home, then? With your kids? Did anything change when he moved in to make it more ‘his’ as well?
The biggest thing I had to learn when I moved in with a partner after decade+ of being single, is to share and discuss my plans with my partner rather than trying to do everything myself. Most of the time, I still end up doing what I wanted. But if I run it by him and get his thoughts, then he feels part of the plan and part of the team rather than feeling excluded or guilty like I don’t think he’s good enough to include in my plans or it’s a punishment for letting me down.
When you need a break or time to yourself, communicate that to him and propose a plan rather than just disappearing. Are those breaks somehow different from when you were living together but not married? Does he also get breaks out of the home to be on his own or with other adults? How could he help you out with parenting and house responsibilities so it doesn’t feel so much like ‘single mom’? (you may still choose to mostly parent on your own, how much of a father role he takes with the kids is something you, he, and the kids can feel out and decide.) Let him know what aspects of his teamwork you really appreciate and which you would prefer to keep for yourself. Try to be very self aware about it and don’t just keep it all for yourself because you have trouble trusting thst he will come through for you! Ask him for his thoughts on the same, does he want to do more or less? Is he happy with current roles and responsibilities?
Maybe find and go through some pre-marriage counseling questions together? If you can be kind and curious and not point fingers or insult each other where answers differ? Usually those lists talk about how to handle finances & chores, what roles each of you take in the home and in parenting, what responsibilities you have to each other and to your families. What values you want to uphold within your marriage.
A couple books that might help (and at least are cheaper to try than therapy) are the Marriage Rules book by Harriet Lerner, or anything by John Gottman. Just about general communication and roles within a couple.
Working through trauma really benefits from professional help, though. If you don’t both already have therapists or a support group or some strategy for healing and getting through your triggered moments, then you need to find them.
I think you are asking for help at the right time and you and he both sound like you are willing to make some adjustments and find a way to make this work better.
First off I’m sorry for all you’ve been through been there myself. Marriage is all about trusting not just yourself cause I understand you had to build a wall from your past to protect you and your kids but trusting that this partner won’t hurt you in anyway.
What he is saying about you cheating, and the Marriage license hasn’t been filed is not okay. YOU have to tell him that’s not okay to say to you if this is gonna work trust first, no trust, no respect = no Marriage
You have two issues – your husband not spending time with you and him disturbing your sleep. He either needs to stop gaming when you sleep OR he needs to go into another room so when he games it doesn’t bother you. Then you need to figure out how much quality time you need to spend together while having your own hobbies. Marriage counseling would be great but I think you’ll feel a lot better when you’re not constantly getting sleep deprived due to his gaming habit. Doesn’t matter if it’s a weekend you need to SLEEP.
>My husband has no children and believed he was destined to be a bachelor forever before we met. So he has never really had to share finances and assumed if I needed help, I would ask. He has his own fair share of trauma but tries his hardest to overcome his own issues.
I mean I guess its fine if it was a misunderstanding but he has to know that by marrying you, he agreed that going forward any money earned, any assets gained are technically both of yours. You’re a shared financial unit now. He also doesn’t get to not contribute but expect you to be a housewife. I would say though that it would make me feel very insecure that the license isn’t filed; there’s usually an expiry date on passing that in so you might not technically even be married. The accusations of cheating might be his way of voicing that insecurity; he might not be married, you disappear for a while some nights, you’re arguing more etc so he wonders if there’s someone else.
I think you need to make a list of things you both want in your marriage, what marriage means to you both. If he agrees that a marriage means you are full partners, then talk about how finances and chores are going to be shared; he contributes and you let go of being the one in total charge. You both probably want romance, right? So talk about how you are going to keep the romance alive.
As to how to argue without going to asshole mode: there’s a lot of methods out there geared toward changing your communication style. The Gottman books are pretty solid and were recommended by my husband’s therapist, and you might find some utility in Nonviolent Communication.
I have a spread sheet. We opened a joint acct for household expenses. His black equals my red but has no savings? Hes only deposited $400. Do you know how hard it is for me not to go through his phone to figure out where tf that money is going?
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So, major trauma, possible BPD person here with high anxiety here. Here”s how I deal with it all.
1. yes you need therapy. However, till you get one, scour the internet on what psychologists are saying about happy relationships. Watch the guy who does Cinema therapy, he is a couple’s counselor and I love him.
2. ACTIVE LISTENING. **Do not** mentally formulate your answer till the other person has stopped speaking or finished their point. Then repeat what they said as a question in your own words so can see that the point has sunk in.
3. PAUSE. There is no need to discuss in the moment you are angry. If you are blowing up, stop talking, pick a time to come back and discuss when you have had the time to cool off and formulate what you want to say.
4. SACRED WORDS. There are some topics or concepts that should generally NEVER be touched unless you truly mean to do it. For us, it’s “I can’t do it anymore, I’m leaving” (we tend to be melodramatic sometimes). I put down rules that unless you are having an actual discussion about leaving the relationship, no one says it because it is essentially a threat, a weapon.
5. UNDERSTAND. You are a team. An argument is NOT about proving who is wrong or right. It is about putting all your cards on the table. You could both be wrong or right at the same time. Truly try to understand the other perspective, and try to see how you could be wrong in that moment. (red flag if you are the only one trying to do this and your partner is *always* right) Try to FEEL how your partner feels. Figure out how you can work on that, then work on why you felt wronged.
6. DEFINITIONS. Just because you speak the same language does not mean that the words you are using have the same meaning. Connotations and context can differ wildly, so always ask before blowing up.
Something I had to figure out when I got married was that there’s no one real way to be married or be happy in a relationship. As long as the people in the relationship are happy that’s all that matters. You can combine finances or not! Change your name or not! Be monogamous or not! You don’t have to worry about being A Wife like there’s one way. But you and your husband need to figure out how to be married to each other. The cool thing is you two get to decide what that looks like. The scary thing is it’s really hard to follow some sort of blueprint that works for someone else and guarantee a lifetime of perfection. You can definitely pull inspiration from couples you admire (or agree you don’t want to follow patterns you find unhealthy and commit to hold each other accountable) and take it from there.
The Gottman Institute has some good reading material and I like their approach. It’s about finding common ground and approaching life as a team and not seeing it as “how can I get this person to do what I want.”
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Being married is not different from being in a committed partnership. Things should be going better than this, and it’s because he is not being a reasonable partner to you. Not letting you go to walmart without coming home to cheating allegations is controlling… it’s emotional abuse. It takes two to tango. He doesn’t know how to be married either. Definitely couples therapy asap, but don’t put the blame on yourself if he refuses therapy or uses therapy against you without growing himself. It’s not all on you.
Time for you both to take a break and reconnect with what you need. Then have a conversation.
>Tl;dr: scared that my marriage is failing due to frequent conflicts, traumas, lack of communication.
Couples therapy literally exists to help couples put their issues on the table and help the couple resolve them and/or how they approach conflicts so the couple can both feel supported and be able to voice their needs.
Personal therapy could be really helpful if you have your own issues with communication (and should definitely be had if you havent already to address being a domestic abuse survivor to counter whatever painful patterns you learned to survive that situation.)
There’s no road map to “being married”. Every couple is different and learns their own ways of doing things so you both feel supported. You’re not failing at marriage – you’re just learning your current dynamic isnt helping either of you be happy and you want to fix it and you’re committed to trying to make it work. That actually sounds like you’re doing better than a lot of people in marriage who pretend the issue isnt there, just run away when things are rough, or completely give up.
You deserve the external support you need to help you improve whatever situation you are in 🙂
Talk to each other. You got this stop this. Internet is not going to help you. You know.
Take it one step at a time. You two are family now, you don’t just know how to be a mom, dad, brother, sister or so on. You grow into the role. Some people are raised to eventually become husbands and wives, yet still realize that the training didn’t cover everything.
I’m not married yet but we’re engaged and couples counseling has helped us tremendously. It’s not an overnight fix. Be open and honest with your counselor when you find one you trust.
few mounts into our marriage(wlw) I started overthinking and said:”Why did you even marry me? I don’t even look like those models from magazines.”
and this mofo said: “What’s a magazine…never heard of them.”
THE POINT
alot of compliments, split housework etc…
going to work give her a kiss, you see her cleaning alone help her, watch a movie together, relax when ur with ecother realise that they are home. They are comfort now and even if they r not try to shape them into one.
Good thing you didn’t file your marriage license yet, you need couples therapy to to help with your problems. You both should have had a serious conversation before getting married about whatever issues there was. Marriage is just a piece a paper, it doesn’t change the way you are in the relationship.
Op, this may have already been mentioned or considered, but just in case it hasn’t – regarding you stating that there are not a lot of options for relationship counselling in your area, you could look for an online counsellor who does video call sessions. Yes, in person sessions would probably be better, but anything is better than nothing right now.