I was a very shy kid with social anxiety and low self-esteem as a result of a weird, kinda unhappy/abusive childhood. As you can imagine, I wasn’t popular at all and I was pretty lonely from elementary to high school. I wasn’t bullied, but I was just seen as a loser – as in not having anyone to work with during class projects, people sneering at me behind my back, etc…. that kind of unpopular. I was just too shy and guarded to be the kind of carefree person people liked being around. Also was uncomfortable in my femininity, kind of boyish, etc.
A lot of it was my fault – I just did not know how to connect with people and be a good friend. I let my own insecurity and self-esteem dictate my feelings and treatment of others and was scared of being vulnerable. People thought I was a quiet weirdo and I definitely was. The friends I did have I was never super close to – it was kind of a proximity thing.
I see on Facebook how the “smart” popular kids from high school went to top schools together, all moved to like San Francisco after graduation, and still party/hang out & even room together……and it makes me feel very envious. I’m 25 now and starting grad school soon but I wish I had a tightknit group of friends that I’ve known for years. I feel very lonely & isolated. I don’t have a network or a life group like that and I don’t know if I ever will. I feel like I missed out on so many formative life experiences.
I have so many regrets and they just make me dislike myself and feel even sadder. The idea of meeting people from school again scares me because I hate the perception they had of me.
1 comment
As someone who didnt have a lot of friends growing up and never had those friends I’ve known for years and the formative memories that come with it, I completely understand the regret and sadness that you feel. I wish that I could redo high school all over again and be more outgoing, but I keep trying to remind myself that I did the best I could in the moment. Try to remind yourself the same (its hard I know but it helps). Also you can unfriend them on facebook/social media or if you are feeling really brave message them and show them the true you.All you have to say is ” Hi its been so long how are you”. Or just wait until you start grad school I am sure you will find some good friends there. Just remember that we cant get back the experiences that we missed all we can do is try our best to find new friends and have different but equally good experiences.
I truly hope you can find a few good friends to create good memories with and that you can fill the missing memories with good ones. Sending love!! <3