I’d like to start by stating I (F33) do not believe my partner (M36)of 4 years is cheating. I’m not jealous of a romantic possibility. I am jealous of his time and hurt by what I see as a lack of consideration.
We have a new friend on discord, she’s nice I actually like her but I don’t know her well. Her and my partner play a game together I just can’t get into although I’m invited to play I get frustrated and don’t have fun. I don’t have an issue with him playing games I don’t or anything but hes spending A LOT of time on this game almost solely playing with her. I have trust issues and abandonment issues. ive been abused in the past and struggling to not take that trauma into my current situations.
I’ve told him about my jealousy, I’ve cried a lot because I feel like a dreadful person. I don’t want to have control of his friendships or who he spends his time with but then when he knows how much it hurts me when he spends excessive one on one time with this person he still chooses to carry this on. It’s become too big in my mind. When he mentions her name it’s like I’m being stabbed in the chest. When he’s online with her and chatting and laughing away I fall into a deep anxiety. I haven’t asked him to stop his friendship only to be careful they don’t become too close which he agreed to but I’m still uncomfortable
I feel its unreasonable of me to want him to back off from her, but I want it for my mental sanity? I know I have a lot to work on and I am working on it, have been for years but I’m not there yet and this is really affecting me. Hes very understanding of my feelings, doesn’t hold it against me or get angry which is great but his kindness makes me feel like I’m a horrendous person for wanting him to back off from her (not because of anything hes said but because I’m great at judging myself harshly). But he also hasn’t changed his behaviour. Am i out of line here?
TL;DR
Jealous of bfs new friendship and need advice on how to handle it when he’s so understanding but also doesn’t change behaviour.
6 comments
How much time are we talking here? Cause like if he’s playing a game a couple hours a week with a friend we’re all going to tell you to keep working on yourself. But if it’s like he’s playing this game for hours every day with another girl we’re all going to tell you he either is infatuated with this woman in an inappropriate way or else is simply playing too many video games, and you need to have a serious talk with him about scaling back the amount of time he plays and to invest more time in your relationship.
My friend. These are instincts flaring up. And especially if he is ignoring your distress and continues playing the game with her….why would playing this game with this woman be so important it overrides caring about your feelings? Its a No from me. And having some boundaries with friendships is normal; of course we all want our partners to have friends and enjoy their friendships but so it makes sense that you feel he is investing too much time in this friendship such that its actually affecting your relationship. You’re not crazy, youre justified.
Shush now. You aren’t a bad or horrible person for feeling like you do. You’re human. Of course it makes you uncomfortable he plays his game with another girl nearly exclusively. Decide what your tolerance is and set some boundaries. Marriage is about compromise. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to set expectations.
Please wrap yourself in self-compassion. The female intuition is an extremely powerful one. Just because you may have trauma and abandonment issues, doesn’t mean that you should dismiss your gut. You emphasize that you are not a jealous person. Is it correct to assume that your boyfriend has other female friends that do not raise alarms within you? If so, then your intuition has picked up something here that is worth listening to.
Don’t make any decisions when you are in a high state of emotions. Focus on self-care and continue to observe.
Look at the roots of your jealousy acknowledge the feeling and remind yourself that your boyfriend cares about you and is with you.
Don’t talk about the behavior, request more time from your boyfriend and let him know that you feel jealous about the situation and think you need some dedicated time with him.
From what you said it doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong, so don’t treat him like he is. Treat him with authenticity and say I’m having an issue and I think this will help.
In order for him to do his 100% to make sure you don’t feel bad, make sure you open up to him a 100% as well. Explain how badly you feel and how it makes you really anxious. Because if you don’t and just tell him the bare minimum he won’t know how big of an issue it is to the relationship.