I’ll try to keep this as short as I can while still providing the relevant context!
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just about 8 months and while we’ve both struggled a lot through things individually during that time, we’ve managed to develop an incredible, intimate, lovely relationship.
We’re both in sobriety which we take very seriously- I appreciate that I have someone who has never seen me drink and vice versa- we enjoy a million sober activities together like hiking, camping, cooking, etc. We work our own programs of recovery and attend different meetings but support each other putting that first in our respective lives.
Ive been in several long term relationship before this man and never felt the kind of connection and intimacy Iike I do with him. I didn’t even know these kinds of feelings were *possible*- he’s so patient and thoughtful and attentive- he’s funny and witty and smart. We have so much fun just exploring the world and the outdoors together. The sex is insane. Being with him has felt at times like reigniting a part of me that felt really hard to access that past few years. I can easily see a future with this man and I know he feels the same-we’ve recently met each other’s families and talked more concretely about wanting a future together.
Here’s the deal, though. He’s had a really tough last year and I can’t tell if I’m picking up on a changed vibe or it’s his new meds. Please hear me out.
When I met him he had been back from a year+ deployment in Afghanistan for only a few months. He also has a pretty significant history of childhood trauma/depression predating his time in the military. He’s (very very understandably) had a lot of mental health struggled since them and I’ve really tried to support him as best I can, including encouraging him at one point to seek inpatient care when he got particularly bad. We had a lot of conversations about how to view seeking mental health help as it’s own act of strength and bravery- he had to do a lot of work to get past the self stigma to even seek help. Anyway, he ended up going to a fantastic psych hospital that discharged him to an excellent program for first responders with PTSD.
Throughout the time I’ve known him I’ve either felt SUPER Intimiately emotionally connected to him or felt that he’s emotionally miles away. Typically, this is when we’re physically not together and the second we’re hanging out again we’re vibing and connected again. If it ever feels like it lasts a while I ask him about it and usually he eventually opens up with a million thoughts spiraling in his head about life, and once we’ve talked he feels better.
He KNOWS he needs a therapist- he’s in multiple waitlists and on the VA’s waitlist.
He’s tried multiple psych med trials the past few months- about a month and a half ago he started citalapram (Celexa)- and it’s seemed to help his mood and anxiety the most of any of the meds but it’s honestly been *bizarre* lately with him. I can’t tell if it’s a side effect of his meds or I’m projecting my own insecurities or both.
He seems just so…removed all the time. He’s normally such an emotive guy- so expressive and touchy with me- and I love that. He still smiles but now it just seems…forced? Restrained? He’s usually very attentive and chatty- and now it feels like pulling teeth when we talk. He just started a new job so I’m leaving room for that to be contributing but he’s had other new jobs requiring way more upheaval this past year and they didn’t cause a total change in personality.
I dunno. The last part is sex. We’ve always been kind of like rabbits with sex. Just amazing sexual chemistry- that’s just been a constant and we’re always on the same page with that. Suddenly it seems like he’s not interested anymore. Hell insist on getting me off (which is so sweet and loving), but tbh I miss the whole thing with him.
I really feel like I can’t fully access that deep emotional intimacy with him because it feels like he was suddenly replaced by a bizarro version of h
I know SSRIs can cause some sexual side effects but could it cause this kind of change in behavior? Obviously if he feels good on these meds I don’t want to interfere.
Or am I just being blind to him possibly losing interest?
TL;DR: boyfriend started SSRI, seems distant, cold- not sure if it’s meds or me