We had our first child a year and a half ago. I was slender before getting pregnant and gained the lowest recommended amount of weight. Breastfed for 16 months, and the two times I restricted my diet and started working out, my milk supply dipped so I stopped. I’m still 18 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight and it has changed my shape. Husband just said he is not attracted to me anymore and that’s why we don’t have sex. I’m committed to losing the weight and have already signed up for the gym and Pilates. I’m confident I can manage it within a few months. But…I am also incredibly hurt and offended that such a small about of weight is enough to render me unattractive and untouchable considering I created, birthed and fed our child with my own body. I’m very uncomfortable being in the same room with him now, or even eating in my own home. I’m confused about how I’m supposed to want to get naked in front of him whenever I reach the magic weight that will suddenly make him attracted again. Do I get home from the gym one day, pass his assessment so he puts his hand on my butt then like that I’m supposed to be ready and eager? How do I get past this mentally? I want to improve my marriage. I actually felt beautiful until he told me I wasn’t. Now I just feel…deeply discarded and numb. And I don’t see that changing. Please help.
18 comments
What an asshole.
Sorry, OP, no advice for you (aside from kicking him to the curb). What a jerk move. I had a baby last April and I’m nowhere near my pre-baby weight with breastfeeding etc. My husband treats me like a goddess.
You deserve that too.
Marriage Counseling!!!
What little words he said has cut you deep, you will recover from this and I hope you two get better at communicating.
From a guys pov…. It’s not the weight. That’s not enough to drastically change any outlook.
Something else is going on.
Call the BS and talk to him…
This isn’t right. It sounds like you went into this pregnancy with some anxiety over gaining weight. I can only assume it’s due to things he was saying before/during your pregnancy. If that’s the case, it’s sounding like his love for you is conditional on a body that’s certain to change over time. If he’s withholding love now over a few pounds in your youngest years, do you really want to deal with this constant pressure to keep a certain figure to earn/maintain his love and affection for the rest of your life? That sounds exhausting.
Yeah, there’s no easy way around this. I totally understand why you would feel the way you feel. But to some degree I’ve become of the mindset that we just have to face the way things are. Lots of guys feel this way though most never admit it outwardly. Doesn’t make it right but it’s the reality.
I saw that you’re going to couples counseling so hopefully you guys can work through it there. It’s great that you want to get back it’s a shape, but he can also learn to reframe how he views attraction. We all grow old and have to work through it eventually. Perhaps working through it now can prove to be a bonding experience for the both of you. I certainly hope it will be.
Geez, less than 20lbs and you’re now basically unfuckable?
That’s just disgusting behavior by him.
To me, this says that he doesn’t see you as his life partner and cherish you as a person.
You’re the mother of his child and when you “return to a normal size” you will commence with serving his sexual needs.
My wife could gain 50lbs and the idea of tossing her on the bed and doing unspeakable things to her sexually still excites me.
The problem is with him, not your 18lbs.
He saw your body give birth and suckle a child. He probably feels different about your role as a mother. Are you two getting out on some dates?
He sounds disgusting
This is a women’s worst nightmare. Honestly weight can be changed but the way he treats you speaks volumes about how he views a women’s worth.
It’s not you, he’s nit picking looking for any reason. But it’s not you. I don’t want to jump to saying he’s having an affair. But 18 pounds is nothing. You have every right to be hurt and offended because what he said is hurtful and offensive. I’m sorry 😞
What was he like before your pregnancy? Did he have existing standards about your body, what you wore, what you ate or what activities you engaged in? Does he have similar standards when it comes to his own body? Does he work out a ton for example? Another possibility that sucks to have to mention: before your pregnancy, was your body type more “girlish” for lack of a better term? I’ve seen situations here before where the woman was very petite and young looking and the dude had a fetish for that kind of thing, and then having children or getting older their bodies would look more mature and the dudes lost their gross little fantasy.
18lbs is not much in the grand scheme of things. Especially depending on how you’re built in the first place. If you were super thin with minimal hips and breasts pre pregnancy, it may be more noticeable, however I know I can fluctuate by up to 12 lbs and no one, not my family that I only see every few months, nor my fiancé, will notice unless I say something, but I’ve got hips and boobs, so can “hide” weight as it were. The problem is absolutely not you, something is off with your husband, and he needs to figure that out and how to adjust to that his wife has grown and fed HIS child with her own body, and that means no matter what, you’re going to look different. Even if you do lose those 18 lbs, I’m almost positive you’re still not going to look identical to the bride who walked down the aisle, because you’re not that person anymore, you’re growing into new roles in life, and that means change. Good luck with all this, hopefully you are able to get to a happy, healthy place so your whole family can move forward.
Marriage counseling. None of us know if it’s really the weight, something else, or a multitude of other variables. Work through this with a pro. Usually there are multiple variables but most internet advice is rushed and falsely puts the blame on a single cause.
I smell a rat he is most likely seeing someone else, most men are counting the days after the baby is born til they are able to have sex again, lose the weight for yourself if you feel it necessary and fudge his ass he is a dick
From a person pov… attraction isn’t the same thing as love. He should love you regardless of what you look like but what he finds attractive is up to him. If he’s shallow enough that 18 pounds turns him then that’s his choice. You can either meet that expectations or find someone else that doesn’t care so much. Having a baby doesn’t just garuntee someone going to want to have sex with you afterwards for some people it will for others it won’t doesn’t make them a dick or whatever else people keep calling the father of your child. It’s just makes him shallow…
What a dick!
Your husband has shown you exactly who he is
Pregnancy and childbirth can drastically alter a women’s body even without gaining any weight, true some spring back, some carry extra and some just change.
His comments over 18lbs is ridiculous and I’d be inclined to think there’s something else going on.