I met this girl through friends of friends in 2016. I was hanging out with some people, and she called us all inviting us over to her new apartment. We talked a lot, and I thought really clicked with her, but wasn’t confident enough to ask for her number at the time. I saw her again years later through the same friends in November 2020. Again, we clicked, but I wasn’t confident because I gained tons of weight when the pandemic started, and was the fattest I had been in my life (down about 80 pounds since then now).
Finally, I asked for her number the next time we hung out through the same friends in July, 2021. I got her number as I was dropping off. She told me she was moving the next day, but was reluctant to accept my help. Turns out one of the friends that was our mutual connection kind of had been creeping on her for years, even though she has repeatedly told him since high school she’s not in to him. I assured her we weren’t that close at all (which is true). I spent all day with her and another one of her friends helping her move, and we just talked a lot, had a good time, and she even called me cute a few times.
The next day, we hung out from the morning again. We went shopping, I took her out to dinner, etc. The following day, I drove her to return some stuff to Ikea, and while in there, she was resting her head on my shoulders while in line, and getting up real close to me and holding my hand while we were walking in the store. While I was driving back to her place, she randomly kissed me on the cheek at a red light. I told her “thanks, I liked that”, then put my arm around her. She then stuck her hand right on my crotch and started talking dirty. We then made it to third base right in my car when we parked, and continued up in her apartment. We were cuddling with my hand around her waist, kind of feeling her up when she just suddenly says “stop”, so I take my arm off her and move away a bit. She then said she just wasn’t comfortable doing stuff like that now. She was the one who initiated everything, but of course anyone can withdraw consent at any time so I just never brought it up again.
I saw her a couple more times last summer, but then we sort of just drifted in to texting occasionally. At one point by December, I thought she had kind of ghosted me until that old friend sent a super long text to 5 people including me and her that was all about her, and beyond creepy. I texted her saying how creepy it sounded, and if there was anything I could do to help. At her request, I told him off. We then started texting more regularly, and I started hanging out with her again in January.
One time we were watching Netflix, and she randomly rested her on my shoulders again, I put my arm around her, and we just lay like that for a while without saying anything. The next day when we were hanging out, I was slowly moving my arm towards her on the couch, she asked if I wanted to put my arm around her, and I said yes, then she said okay. We sat like that for a bit, and I told her how much I like her, and we ended up making out and just feeling each other up again. The next day, no acknowledgement of it.
Most recently, the day before her 27th birthday, we hung out with some of her friends from school (all guys). We had a good time, and when we were in her car alone, she was complaining about how she doesn’t feel attractive (which is 100% false, she’s hot, but I know a lot of women have body image issues). Shew was showing me pics of these Instagram models and comparing herself to them. I told her it’s all air brushed and she’s easily as hot as any of them (which is true). She then looked at my crotch and said she could tell I wasn’t hard looking at them, then I reminded her how hard I was when we were doing stuff. She told me, she’d like to give me a handjob while I finger her the next time we hang out.
On her birthday, I baked her a cake (she loved it), and planned to hang out with her earlier before meeting up with other people. When I asked if she was ready for me to come over she texted me “yeah, let’s hang out, but as friends only.” despite what she had said last night. Again, I respected her and took the hint. We had a fun time hanging out all day for her birthday, and she even ditched having the other guys from the previous night come over saying she just wanted to spend the day with me.
There are more contradictions, but that’s the jist of it. I’ve been single since I was 19, so I’m kind of clueless how adult relationships work. I told her that, and said I’d be open to anything whether it be FWB serious dating, or something in between. She keeps saying she’s not sure what she wants. If anyone has some insight or advice, I’d appreciate it a lot
**tl;dr**: Been seeing this girl on and off since the summer. We’ve both talked about how much we like each other, and done some sexual stuff, other days she completely backs off and just wants to be friends.
10 comments
Ouch. I’ve been through this. It did end up working out…for a while.
She likes you but something is off. There are a million possibilities, so I can’t even being to speculate as to what, exactly, the problem is. At your age, I would have kept pressing the issue. At my age, I would cut my losses.
My honest advice is to be direct with her. Tell her both the good and bad…the good, how you feel about her. The bad…how you feel about what she’s doing. You just have to be ready for this to go no further. And honestly, it ain’t the end of the world if you stop hanging out with her.
eventually, you’ll grow on her
Youre over thinking it. Shes not sure what she wants, thats why youre getting “mixed signals”. Ask yourself if youre willing to wait for her to decide (she could decide to pursue something or to remain as friends) or to move on and keep her as a friend regardless of what she may decide in the future.
>She keeps saying she’s not sure what she wants.
Boy howdy, I would take this at face value. She is all over the map.
But, then again, so are you.
> I told her that, and said I’d be open to anything whether it be FWB serious dating, or something in between.
And you’re apparently okay with a vague pile of random shit!
You’re so afraid of losing what is the best romantic prospect in 10 years that you’re not defining anything either. You’re sitting around, desperately waiting for her to signal a direction and being as careful as possible not to scare her away.
But you’re also not building anything. So instead you’re just getting weird little boyfriend/girlfriend vignettes.
My fear for you is that she has no interest in you, but she likes the attention and she’s trying her level best to talk herself into liking you because you do make her feel good. You’re a good guy and on paper you SHOULD be boyfriend material, but she’s just not into you like that and she herself may not even understand why! But she’s failing to talk herself into you and she’s too weak at the moment to talk herself out of you. But the moment literally any better option rolls in… she will drop you to the curb immediately and feel terrible about it.
And if you’re OKAY with that… If you are okay with this rug being pulled out from under you at literally any moment and you just want to enjoy the ride… then do it. As long as you have THOROUGHLY gone over the worst case scenarios for how this plays out and you are cool with all of them… stick around.
But not forever. It’s very clear that you have a lot of love to give and it would be a shame if you passed by an opportunity with someone who wanted you in favor of someone who’s just killing time with you.
This won’t end well to be honest. It’s fine to see where the hot-cold game leads when you’re in your early 20s. By late 20s/30s it gets really old. I had the same experience. My suggestion is this- you just realized you like this girl- find out what you like about her and what you don’t. Then hit up the dating apps and spend some time- invest your energy and find someone with the qualities you’re attracted to in her. In the meantime it’s fine to talk to her but don’t let it get in the way of meeting someone more sure of what they want. If she comes around by then, great- you can date her. If not, the time won’t be wasted and you’ll have done more for yourself to set yourself up for success. She may even be more attracted to you if you show confidence in knowing what you want and pursuing it with or without her.
> Been seeing this girl on and off since the summer.
If, after all this time, it’s not an enthusiastic yes, I’m afraid it’s a no. She knows who you are and what you have to offer, and she’s decided that she’ll hold out for something (she deems) better.
She’s just not that into you. Trust, when someone really wants to date you, you’ll know it.
She likes that you flatter her and do stuff for her. Sometimes, when she’s kind of horny in the moment, she’ll let you do stuff to her. That’s it.
I suggest you stop go after that nonstarter situation and start going on dates with people who want to go on dates.
There’s no point in making a grand gesture. She already told you, she doesn’t know what she wants.
In my personal opinion I think it’s best to only be friends with people you actually just want to be friends with. Anyone you want to date should know it loud and clear that you’re not looking for anything else with them.
You deserve better and she’s leading you on. She’s definitely using you for attention to make herself feel better and then seems like she regrets it in the morning and treats you like crap. You really need to cut her off to allow yourself the opportunity to meet someone who will treat you great all of the time
If you want an answer, leave her alone and move on. That is the one true power men have. The ability to stop giving a shit and leave a woman where she is. Women will continue to straddle the fence and give mixed signals until YOU pick a side.
Either 1 of these 2 things will happen:
1. Shell notice the distance and begin to worry about losing you
2. She wont care and let you move on.
The key is to make sure that whatever you want to do is what makes YOU feel fulfilled and happy. I know how it its to be infatuated with a woman. However, you cannot let her be your happiness, because you cant control how other people feel about you. So my suggestion is with no warning, leave her the hell alone until she wants to treat you the same way you treat her. She will ask you why you are distant after a week or two of not making any contact with her. Be honest with her. Tell her how you feel and how she’s not meeting your standards. Tell her improve or you’ll stay gone. I dont think you’re asking too much of her based on what you’ve provided.
Do not fall for the puppy eyes and vagina trick though.
**DUDE**
you need to STOP caring so much about what she wants – and for GODS sake – put 1 IOTA of a THOUGHT in what YOU want!!!