Marriage Issues

My wife and I have been struggling to coexist and I’m just looking to vent and hear the insight of others who may have been in a similar situation. Our communication skills have been eroding for a while now. I try to talk and she gets so defensive before I can even finish what it is that I have to say. We get sidetracked and I can’t circle back to the points I need made. She’s not forthcoming enough for me with how she communicates. Her anxiety is draining and taxing to navigate around. My depression does the same to her so I’m often left feeling lonely and out of sorts. I never know what I can say or when I can say it. She doesn’t know how to handle me in those moments and me encouraging her to “loosen up” and live life on a more day to day basis isn’t helping like I hoped it could.

The pandemic didn’t help things much either. The forced isolation and the uncertainty of everything did some real damage to how we interact. My life during this time didn’t change much as what I do for a living required me to keep working as I always have, while she was let go from her catering job and free to live off her newfound unemployment checks and better herself through some online schooling. Her hyperfocus and stress that she was creating for herself with this work made her damn near unapproachable sometimes. I could’ve tried harder to find new ways to get her to talk to me, but it was always like she wasn’t hearing exactly what it was that I was trying to say. Eventually, I kind of gave up and just started existing and doing whatever it was I needed to in order to entertain the scrambled eggs that I call my brain.

Things have gotten more complicated as of late. She has a new job with a crazy schedule. We see each other for maybe an hour or two a day. It’s getting more tense as time rolls on.

Her mom, a lovely and caring woman who we invited to live with us in March of 2020, was recently diagnosed with an aggressive and fast moving cancer. The prognosis isn’t great. I love being there for my mother in law and talk to her all the time about everything (including the inevitable), but bringing it up with my wife has become a taboo. It feels like I have to hold too much inside for her comfort, while I’m struggling to maintain a level head about it all. Grief isn’t something I handle very well and talking it out with someone I trust has always helped. She’s just not that way.

We recently had a fight and she wasn’t talking much during it all. I tried to be as calm as I could be and excavate anything I could to get her to open up. I asked her if she was even in love with me anymore and she replied that she didn’t know. The next day she tells me she wants to make it work and suggested counseling. I told her I’d do the counseling if she’s willing to hear what’s on my mind in a setting like that. I also expressed how I’d sit back and let her rip and get whatever it was off her chest. I told her I can’t guarantee how I’ll feel about anything once I hear it but I’m willing to test those waters. Therapy like that, or whatever you want to call it, can be a tough pill to swallow, and especially for someone like her that struggles with communication. I fear it can hurt things just as easily as it can begin to heal things.

I love her and I know she’s kind human being. I think we’ve drifted to an uncomfortable place that may be salvageable, and partially because of my generally care free attitude and eagerness to just blurt out whatever is on my mind. ADHD can feel like a living hell sometimes but I’ve made it work for me for the most part.

Is this all relatable or am I going mad or overthinking things to an unhealthy degree? I feel like I can’t handle her nervous energy for too much longer, and I understand her mom might be contributing to that, but this has been ongoing even before that dreaded diagnosis. I don’t have many friends who I can relate to with something like this, and I don’t want to shit all over someone who might be feeling just as lost as me, but is unable to either admit it to themselves or is incapable of speaking up with what ails them.

Any suggestions or insight?