Hello there, I am a 19 year old college student who is having a TEDIOUS time finding friends.
Prior to COVID, I was still in high school. And when I was in HS, it was quite simple for me to find people whom I could truly connect to. Fast forward a pandemic later, and now a considerable amount of time into my post-secondary life, I STILL have not found anyone whom I could consider a friend.
I can’t effing click with anyone… And it’s killing me on the inside.
I’ll admit, even in the pre-pandemic era I did have moments where I was in situations where I didn’t click with anyone, and had friendships that petered out over time. Eventually though, I would somehow always end up finding new people whom I could genuinely bond with and eventually replenish my social sphere.
I may not have had a proper friend circle, nor was I ever “popular”. But I had quite a few trusting one-on-one friendships and was relatively well known by many acquaintances in high school.
Bow that I’m in college, I’m facing repeated instances of not being able to connect with anyone. When it’s one or two situations where a click doesn’t occur, not a big deal. But when it’s a cycle of constant rejection, there is a massive problem, don’t you think?
This (recent) pattern has become so destructive to me that I have come to the point where I’m second guessing my social habits and mass-questioning my self-worth.
It’s so hard to believe in yourself when you have nobody who believes in you, or loves you.
I have sought advice from countless other sources over these past few months, and most of them tend to suggest joining groups of interest to become exposed to more people.
By groups of interest, I’m referring to volunteer organizations, clubs, sports teams, personal projects, etc. All of which I intend to get involved in soon.
My ultimate goal is to build a proper circle of TRUE friends who do things together and have each other’s back in hard times. Wish me luck, because I need LOTS OF IT.
If anybody here has any advice, or is facing a similar experience to mine, please share it here. Feel free to DM too.
8 comments
Bit of luck, bit of life experience, bit of bravery.
Unfortunately the best general advice I have is the same that you’ve already heard- putting yourself near likeminded people (i.e. groups of shared interest) is where I’ve always found the best luck meeting people that I get along with well.
In middle and high-school I mostly just met people through classes/lunch breaks and the like. In college most of the friends that I made and still talk to years later are those who I met in a school club. Now as an adult in my late 20’s who’s starting to try and expand my social circle again, I’ve started attending local concerts a bunch (it’s my favorite way to get out of the house lol) and have started to meet some folks there.
In all of these scenarios there were definitely a lot more people that I didn’t click with than those that I did (whether it be actively disliking some folks there, or just those that were wholly indifferent). But in all likelihood there will be at least some people who like the same things that you do that you’ll click with if you put yourself in a position to do so.
Nobody will tell you this, but you actually have to improve your looks. Nothing matters more than that. It’s the hallo effect. Your looks will do the heavy lifting for you in most or maybe all situations.
Don’t you see that attractive people ussually “click” with a lot of people and also “happen” to be more exteoverted while less attractive people “click” with less people and also “happen” to be introverted? Introversion and extroversion are cope terms people came up with to hide the fact that people are being judged by and treated according to looks, so attractive people end up naturally having more positive social interactions while unattractive people don’t.
I think people’s advice of going to events, classes etc to find likeminded people is great. I also think it’s a numbers game. I’ve always easily made friends but to find someone who sticks around for years who is like a life fit for you- it’s not going to be a huge fraction of people you meet. That’s why it’s so great when you find them.
Also it’s easier to make friends when you’re in an environment where you have to be around the same people all the time – familiarity and proximity bring liking. And it’s convenient to meet up (if you’re at work or school you’re bound to see the same people.) That’s why it can be hard for people to be social after school and outside of work. I’d say just treat it like a numbers game, meet lots of people and eventually you’re bound to meet a few kindred spirits.
The “join groups” advice is spot on in terms of maximizing the amount of potential friendships you can expose yourself to. HOWEVER. This doesn’t seem to be a problem of “too few people” to interact with. It seems you’re not able to establish solid connections with the people that you DO interact with. And it seems this issue is following you around.
So, I don’t think it’s a “lack of access” to people thing. If you double down on meeting more people, that doesn’t mean you’ll get friends out of it.
I think the thing to do is to look at HOW you’re interacting with people, and what seems to be ‘missing’ when you talk to them. For any potential friendship you need to strike up regular conversations, build a rapport, then invite them to do things with you. Do you have a sense of which part is going wrong for you?
From your description it sounds like the “building a rapport” part is not going well. When you have conversations with people, do YOU feel like you ‘click’ with them, and are surprised that they don’t feel the same way? Or do you also sense that you’re not clicking with anybody and you don’t feel much hope for a friendship to develop?
Generally if two people aren’t clicking conversationally, there are certain things that may be missing. For people just getting to know each other it’s helpful to bring something I call PIE: Positivity, Interest in others and Enthusiasm. Of the three Enthusiasm is the aspect that is most often missing, but it’s an essential element in connecting with other people.
Enthusiasm basically means having a passion for: yourself, the other person, and Life Itself. That’s when energy gets into the conversation, and people start to really click.
So that’s just some food for thought. Good luck!
My best friend in high school: she was two years above me, but we met in the theatre group, and when at one point we happened to join the same dance group, we suddenly met and talked a lot more often.
My best friend in college: we met during induction week and were both equally anxious that we might not be good enough for this course.
A later best friend I met at church when I was close to giving birth and she had just started her first pregnancy. We bonded over that, and the rest is history.
I am still in touch with all of them and see them when I can (but I have lived abroad for 14 years now).
My current bestie, I met in a mums-and-tots group, shortly after moving to this town, and she sort of took me under her wings for a bit.
There are billions of people but only one self.
Of course you are going to find many people that are not similar to you. That’s to be expected, but you just have to keep meeting people and putting yourself out there. It’s really just a numbers game.
Most people are kinda fake so they match whatever energy the view as valuable and fall into the group’s frame if they make it that far.