Basically, we’re old friends from primary school, but since we’ve gone to different high schools we fell out of touch. We haven’t talked for a few years. The thing I want to apologise for is calling them a slur when I was upset. I didn’t know what it meant at the time and I definitely didn’t know that it would be applicable to the person I used it against.
My question is how can I apologise to this person without making it seem like I’m apologising to make myself feel better but to maybe resolve any emotional issues that will be leftover for them.
Also please tell me if it isn’t appropriate at all to apologise, as it may be too far in the past and I should just try to forget it.
4 comments
Mail them a letter
To be honest, I would just not bring it up again. Why reopen the wound for them especially since you’re no longer in contact? If you started hanging out again maybe appropriate to bring it up and apologize, but really if you think deeply about this it seems like a mechanism to alleviate your guilt in the matter and express that you feel bad for what you did, which is good that you acknowledge and know it was wrong. That’s growth too and doesn’t sound like you’d do it again.
So the reason I say let it lie is that you don’t know how the other person is feeling about it or if they are still thinking about it. I doubt they are waiting for your apology, so I wouldn’t say anything I would just move on with your life.
Edit to add an example from my own life because I have done this: I had a close friend in high school and we ended on bad terms because my friend was moving on to new friends and sidelining me except for when it was convenient and I was pretty rude about it towards the end and thus the bridge had burned. We reconnected over coffee like 5 years after and during that conversation I apologized for my behavior back in the day and said I was sorry for being a bad friend at that time. They looked super confused as to why I’d bring it up and were like uh so what? it was years ago. My point is: their perception and thoughts arent the same as yours.
I think the appropriateness depends on the person and we can’t really tell you since we don’t know your friend. I don’t mind old apologies but a lot of people take issue with them.
Three major tips for apologies:
don’t go on a tangent about your own feelings (guilt etc.) just say you have been thinking about it a lot. you can say you feel bad because you care about them and never wanted to be the cause of hurt etc. (ie making it about them)
don’t make excuses, don’t explain why you did or you were young or didn’t realize yada yada. most people already know these, the thing is they were still hurt so it doesn’t matter why you did it. it only matters for you, it’s not relevant to their pain. just add “if you have questions i’m happy to answer them” at the end and they can ask you why if they want to
explain why you think the behavior was wrong, what new understanding you have that made you realize it was bad
If you’re already talking like normal: “Hey this is really random but I wanted to apologize for calling you a slur back in elementary school. It wasn’t cool.”
If you’re not talking like normal, reaching out just to say that is not going to do much I think. I’ve been in situations where I think I just want someone to feel better but upon reflection I’m mostly just trying to ease my conscience. Maybe it’s not you, but it’ll be interpreted as that anyway.