[25M] When I text to initiate a hangout, people ghost me. What are the rules regarding how to respond to this? I am very confused and don’t want to appear thirsty even though I really am.

37 comments

1. If they’re not replying or ghosting, it means they don’t want to.

2. I really dislike the term thirsty because it implies there’s shame in needing basic human interaction.

3. When I meet new people that I like and feel that they would be good friends to me, I never initiate a hangout before I break the ice or establish a connection. Most people have friends they hang out with on a daily basis, so when someone new comes in they will make him feel not so welcomed (even if they think he’s okay) but that’s because you haven’t broken the ice yet, they’re not completely comfortable and real when you’re around. If you start initiating hangouts at this point, they will start thinking you’re weird since they still don’t consider you a friend. Friends never feel that they are ghosting each other, they understand that sometimes people are busy or not in the mood, so if you feel they’re ghosting you then it’s probably true.

   Break the ice. Make them feel comfortable around you. Don’t talk too much about yourself, listen to them, ask a few questions about things they seem passionate about and act like you’re interested. This gives people an immediate sense of satisfaction and unconscious good vibe. If you’re a shy person or antisocial say it directly and don’t act weird because they would sense you’re not being real.

   I rarely have phone conversations with my friends unless there’s something that would not wait until we meet. So act out of context, if you’re neighbors you’ll run into them quite a lot, if you’re peers you’ll see them a lot too. If you work at the same place that would be a big help. Stick to this and eventually after a short time you’ll be in the group. Then you totally act natural and would not care less if they ghosted you because you know they won’t.

4. Usually when someone stalls for getting back it means they have other plans or aren’t very keen on hanging. Best to just let it be for a few more days then hit them up again and suggest hanging out again. If they simply had other plans they might agree to a hang out later, if not they might be evasive, in which case just forget about hanging with them (tho you can still maintain officially friendly relations).

5. It’s a numbers game. You’ll have to initiate contact with lots of people until you find people who are also looking to make friends and are responsive. Don’t take the lack of response personally. But basic courtesy is if I text someone, I expect a response by day 2. So if they can’t even do that then I don’t bother with them. It’s normal to need human contact, but don’t let yourself be treated crappily over it.

   There are two things you can try. One is to go to meetups and events where you organically meet people with similar interests. Second is to try to only ask people to hang out for things related to their interests the first few times. For example, watch a baseball match with a baseball fan or go to an art show with an artsy friend.

   Finally, get comfortable doing things on your own. You don’t want your plans to always depend on other people who might flake. So what I do is plan to go to a movie say, and I just text a bunch of different people letting them know that I’m going in case they want to come with. Whoever responds I send them the info and we make plans. Even if no one responds, I go by myself and have a fun time.

6. You say you have made great connection with these people, but clearly they don’t feel the same. Maybe try to be more upfront next time, something like: “hey, I just moved to the city and I’m trying to make some friends, wanna hang out”. If they still ghost you, like no answer at all, then I would say you’re clearly dealing with some very immature people.

7. You can do whatever you want but if someone doesn’t reply to your hangout offer you shouldn’t ask them again evere until they ask you. Just find people who find you fun and interesting, they will want to hang out with you. Why do you even want to hangout with people in the first place who don’t want the same thing?

8. I don’t know if it will help or not, but sometimes the idea of hanging out one on one with a new person can be unnerving. Invite a few people and tell them “I’m trying to get a few people together to do ____, I thought you might like to join us.” Or “I wanted to invite you too. Let me know if you can make it.”

   Beyond making them feel more comfortable (potentially), you also increase your chances of getting someone to join by asking more people.

9. I think you might do better if you found things to text them about between asking them to hang out. I hate texting but I would like to know someone a little before we hang out one-on-one, and getting along over text tells me that I’ll probably have fun when we’re in person.

   Also maybe it’s a city thing lol

10. Have you tried setting up a standing date for activities? I have friends where we get together one night a month for drinks, or friends where we meet up once a month for a hike. Sometimes standing dates work better because it’s easier for people to remember. When you get a group you can do a group text to remind people. Sometimes it’s less awkward and less stress for no-shows because it’s a group.

11. It means they don’t want to lmao

12. First I just want to say that it’s really cool of you to make the effort of meeting new people and trying to arrange ways to hangout and do things together. Everyone doesn’t do things like that, regardless of what people’s IG looks like.

    Unfortunately, we’re not close friends so I’m not able to say if there is any specific reason on your end that’s causing this to happen. But starting with the basics, have you said anything to your new associates about how significant hanging out is to you, or let them know how it makes you feel when they seem to blow you off or ghost you? If not, you might be able to fix the problem quickly.

    Besides that, while I understand your belief in planning outings and such as a way to make friends, it isn’t always the only way. Some people might put more emphasis on texting and talking, lying around the house playing video games, or even someone they can share a joke with every now and then. All without going to a bar or some structured event. You also have to take into account that YOU are the one new to the city, and some of the things and places you want to check out might be old news or something they don’t want to deal with.

    There are other factors too. If you haven’t communicated to everyone how much importance you put on your invitations, some of them might not think it’s a big deal to confirm or decline your suggestions. Especially if you just throw an idea out there, then avoid following up because you don’t want to seem too “thirsty”. They might take it as something you plan on doing with or without them, and just asking if the want to come along to be nice. You don’t have to worry about being too thirsty or needy with friends, just because you send messages to follow up or explain why you’re inviting them. Like, the guy that you invited to the bar, that showed up alone. Did you consider that maybe he showed up because he heard you were stopping by there, and decided to check it out at the last minute. Since he figured someone he knows would be there? I mean, there is virtually no reason I could think of that would explain him ghosting you because he didn’t want to hangout with you, then going all by himself to the exact place you said you would be.

    😁I think you’re a good dude, and friendship is important to you. But you’re being a little too hard on yourself. Friendship comes in many forms, and people you meet will have different personalities. Talk to them, maybe be a little more flexible about what it takes to make and have friends, and don’t assume you’re have to “play it cool” with them and stress over when you’re allowed to contact them.

13. If they ghost you drop them.

14. Try to initiate the hangout spontaneously.
    Text something ..Like Hey My girl…What’s up?
    Catching a brew and some wings… Pass by real quick. 1st round is on me….

15. Sounds like theyre not your friends.

16. Fall back. Try different people.

17. I didn’t read all the comments but I’m getting a sense that your timing may be off. You may need to get to know people a bit casually and in person at first, two or three times, before extending an invitation. The best way to do that is to join a group that meets regularly and simply participate. You could have a few things going that align with your interests e.g. a sport, a short class, photography, etc. etc. The idea is to see these people more than once.

    As to your question, if someone doesn’t respond I would not re-ask. But if you see them again, be cordial.

18. As long as the proposed plans are specific and fun- not just “let’s hang out”- I’d quit asking after 2 incidents of them not wanting to go or for flaking

19. The best way to not “appear thirsty” is to not be thirsty

20. Bro, I in times are also thirsty af, sometimes I drink water. That might help

21. Do you talk to them in person as well? They could just not know you well enough. But if someone I didn’t talk to in person often wanted to hang out, I probably wouldn’t want to either.

    You don’t have to be best friends, but its better to talk to this person 1-2x per week for a few months at least

22. Perhaps send them something about meeting up at a later date sooner?
    That way the have time to see it and make plans. Personally I hate when most people randomly text me and ask to hangout because I need time to make sure my schedule is clear and time to get prepared mentally and physically

23. Props to you for taking the initiative! I wish I had that same drive to forge connections years ago. I’m only now making an effort but in my experience, it definitely can be harder as an adult.

    Regarding your circumstances, as others have pointed out, the lack of response is basically a no. The people you’re trying to hang with have other plans or are not comfortable hanging with you one on one yet. You seem confused about the latter since you feel that you really hit it off with them in person.

    In my college years, I ran into this quite often. It was demoralizing for someone who wasn’t socially adept. You soon realize it’s quite common to be pleasant with someone and for that to mean little else. Being on good terms does not guarantee friendship, even more so in adulthood when friendship circles have largely been firmly established.

    But this doesn’t mean all hope is lost. Get to know these people better, hear what they’ve got going on in their lives. Do they meet up with their friends to play a sport or play board games regularly? Express interest and you might become a +1 to those. Or if you’re feeling bold, ask if you could join them next time.

    If you want some 1 on 1 time, it wouldn’t hurt to lay the groundwork for a future hangout. When you find some common interests, you can casually say something like “we should meet up and do X some time”. It opens them to the idea so when you do hit them up over text, it’s not random and unexpected.

24. The way you are texting sounds needy, as in, you need their approval or their presence to do the thing.

    What to do instead is to decide what you are doing and let people know in the case they might want to join you. (E.g. I’m doing X this weekend. Want to join me?) Put another way, if you aren’t okay with doing whatever you want to do by yourself, then you should not invite others to do that thing.

    Don’t expect them to come, and they might show up.
    Expect them to come, and you will be disappointed, because adults’ number one priority is themselves.

25. When I was a teenager I used to feel like.. people didn’t want to spend time with me. So I did a lot of just, dropping in. 😅 Dropping in at places I figured I would run into people I knew. Sometimes the weight of spending time with someone new can be daunting, so going out alone and bumping into people and/or trying to chat with people can be helpful. As a more socially adept adult (compared to being an insecure teenager) I often will just give people an open invite. Example: “Hey I am going to the river today to drink beer and read a book if you wanna join!” Or grab food, go to the gym, go for a hike, etc. I don’t really push the issue if people don’t get back to me. But will float a few invites before I am like, okay! Probably not a person for me. 🤷‍♀️ I figure if someone is flaking on me it probably is bc they don’t feel a connection, and I trust their judgment that we wouldn’t vibe.

26. Don’t text them any more.
    You will find new friends

27. I’ve also been on the other side of this, people who barely knew me and we just have a friendly conversation, and right after that direct the conversation to somewhere we didn’t have the trust level for discussing (maybe talking about traumatic events or things like that, or trying to appear like an “alfa”), and finally asking for my number in a “pushy” way and having to give it to them because I felt forced to do it because of the social setting that we were in or because the guy wouldn’t accept a no for an answer (also in an indirect way).

    When they texted for a meeting, I didn’t feel that we had the level of trust to meet tbh, but neither for explaining the real reasons behind this so it’s easier to just give time to the other person that we are not in that point yet.

    Btw, the comment of “I am not texting to have boring conversation like a teenage girl” didn’t sit right to me. If you have this kind of comments in real life interations people will percibe you as a person who critics others and put other people down to look better themselves, and I wouldn’t want a friend like that. And teenage girls have interesting conversations for people their age 🙂

28. This is coming from someone who moved to a new city 9 months ago with no friends and managed to build and integrate myself in several social circles.

    My best advice is this. When you meet someone, find something in common and ask them to do that thing in the future. That includes getting their number and planning it before you leave. Later on you text them asking to confirm for that day.

    This doesn’t always work but its a lot better than asking to hangout out of the blue.

    Personally I’m a busy person, who has several things that are important to me in my life. There is only a handful of people I’m willing to say yes to from a random hangout. Keep in mind I might think that person is nice, I have my priorities.

    1. My Job
    2. My family/close friends
    3. Dating
    4. Working out
    5. My down time, time spent on my hobbies
    6. Friends I would like to connect with
    7. Friends I lost contact with, whom I would like to connect
    8. My daily chorus
    9. Meeting new people (who bring something to my life)

    The thing to remember is that, a lot of people have busy lives. So why would I mention my priorities. Well for example, I love golfing. I’m willing to golf with new people, but I’m not willing to hang out with new people outside of golf (because I have other priorities).

    This is why finding similar interests is important because it helps you climb the ladder of priorities with each person. Hope this helps.

    Other thing you can do is ask for their advice on something. Be genuine and get them to help you with something they care about. I made a new friend because a mechanic helped me fix my car. We bonded over that.

29. Almost the moment I learned I could be perfectly happy by myself, I found a girlfriend, my confidence went up, and now I’m getting to know people almost effortlessly. When you’re desperate for interaction, people can tell, and are put off by it. Also, you change your behavior to attempt to get people to like you, instead of being authentic, and making connections with people that actually like you, the way you are. Nobody wants to be friends with someone that doesn’t like them, right?

30. For me it seems like you need to build up more rapport with those people.
    You dont have to text them 24/7 to do this, its just that people tend to like sociable people more than the „pragmatic“ ones.

    Even sending stupid memes is a good way to build up Rapport since you make them laugh/feel something positive which is btw the whole point of a healthy human connection.

    Try to radiate positivitiy as best as you can, even of you have to fake it at first.
    People will start to reach out to you and this is the point where the real happiness begins and at this point it becomes a positive feedback loop.

    What helped me immensely to overcome my social anxiety was hitting the Gym regulary.
    This makes you feel better about yourself + human interaction is pretty much. unavoidable.

31. 90% of the people u meet in Life that give u their phone you will never hear from again it just how people are hell your lucky to get a correct phone number it’s almost how some will end a good conversation and feel like they haven’t ended it but they never intended to call u or answer. You know when u made a friend i promise u

32. I think this approach isn’t working:

    >I solely text for logistics only, which means every other week or so I will only text “You wanna do X this weekend” or “You tryna do X”.

    Try starting with

    “Hey, it was great to meet you at (the bar) the other day. Do you fancy going for a pint next week? Adam :)”

33. One small thing that you may consider. Lots of people here who aren’t friends, took time to try and help you. I didn’t read the entire thread but I did see at least five reply’s that were more defensive in nature – more pointing out why their answer didn’t work because you already tried it, or you weren’t doing x or whatever. I didn’t see one “thank you”, at least to the five reply’s I read from you. It seems you are trying to prove why you’re not needing peoples help vs. Showing appreciation for it.

    This may point more to your overall social skills and something that could help. One of the posts someone put here tried to help with how you can improve here, i.e. listening more than you talk, etc. focus on learning how to be a good listener and how to engage with others and don’t worry about those not responding.

    Meet others, level up your skills and things will happen eventually.

34. What worked for me was making plans for that night rather than in a few days. Yes it more likely they will already have plans but its less likely that they will flake

35. “Not texting all day having annoying conversations like a teenage girl”—you sound like an asshole, maybe that’s why no one is responding

36. Hi people, hope all are doing good. People here are good by heart. I’m going through a hard phase right now. I am writing this with a heavy heart. I am lonely and I have no one to talk. I have no friends. Even having thought of ending this life. But I will not. I need help. If anyone is free, to talk or chat with me, I hope it will make me feel good and it will make me feel that I have someone in this life.😔

37. Maybe stop using being female as an insult as a starting point