30yo male. K-5,.didn’t make a single friend. I’m sad I missed out on all the punishmentless social growing pains of being a child.
6-7, a bit of a different story. Started talking more had 3 friends, but felt embarrassed because I felt my social skills were that of a kindergartener. They seemed so cool and sophisticated. I was talking about spongebob, they were talking about pokemon.
Then after 7th grade life went downward and kept going downward. All friends transferred out. I stopped talking. And here I am now.
Moral of story, when things start getting bad, fix it immediately.
My question is, can someone explain to me how socializing is supposed to increment Over time? Are we supposed to start off innocently making mistakes that help shape our social skills? As we get older we talk about larger topics? Taboo topics? (Also what is considered taboo? Sex?) Was there an age when i was supposed to start hanging out with ppl? Was there an age where I learn to be quick and quick and witty? When talking to ppl is it okay if conversations get personal too soon, or is there a time period to begin asking?
What if feel close to them, but they don’t feel close to me? Is that normal?
Why do ppl hang out?
What are all the social growing pains that I missed out on?
I am a new born baby. What would you teach me about the social world?
4 comments
Hi aFluffyCatsShaggyDog
I had a similar dilemma some few months ago. Had been (i wouldn’t say suffering) experiencing isolation a great deal. Circumstances made it that I was in a commune-like environment without mobile phones and such, so much of the day was spent talking with these people. I know it’s hard to find people who aren’t distracted who can focus on a convo, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make.
I think there are some few things I learnt.
Other people are an extension of you.
It’s actually never too late. A 100 days of social interaction got me all warmed up. I hope your challenge will be trying not to be too gregarious.
Face your fears. I think some of them are related to other people and your own desirability. Probe and get to the bottom of these fears.
It’s ok to fail and make social blunders. It’s how we learn and grow
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>My question is, can someone explain to me how socializing is supposed to increment Over time?
That is right. It might even feel fake the first times round, but it tends to become natural once you are used to it.
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>What if feel close to them, but they don’t feel close to me? Is that normal?
Yeah. Absolutely. The opposite is also true. Some people will also be attracted to you but you won’t be able to reciprocate. But I think there are ways to make yourself more attractive even while being the same person.
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>Why do people hang out?
As far as I know it is because some people are generally made for it. Extraverts especially find socializing to be an essential part of life. It is much like breathing, without a conscious reason. You are likely to be an introvert.
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>What are all the social growing pains that I missed out on?
What do you mean exactly? Do you mean the difficult part of growing socially? If that you might experience:
1. Rejection
2. Approach anxiety
3. Fear that some group of people are against you.
4. Choosing alliances (this is extreme, but socialization often tend to alliance-formation)
5. You dealing with your own misanthropic emotions (your lengthy sabbatical might not help with this, but it is resolvable)
I think a test at [https://www.16personalities.com/](https://www.16personalities.com/) would really help you.
It’s a curious thing, that book ‘how to win friends and influence people’. All that stuff is absolutely true and apply just a few principles and your life becomes a runaway train of friends and lovers. I really recommend it.
Reading the room at all times is key. When you’re desocialized that becomes harder and harder and yeah, you’re going to make a lot of missteps and badly timed jokes or badly timed attempts to make deep discussion.
The more time I spent chatting anonymously like this, the more it hits me like a brick when I get back into the real world and realize that all my internet “wisdom” is pretentious. I am often a know-it-all, but I don’t actually know anything.
But I do know something because I’ve had about 3-4 good friends in early school, and then 3 very good friends in 10th grade. I went to parties because we drink early outside of the US, and kisses a girl. I’ve had a girlfriend for 3 weeks. I’ve been actually mutually in love with a girl where my peers started saying “just kiss you two, dammit” and we held hands on Roskilde Festival. I made one very good friend in high school and I grew up with a best friend for 15 years until we grew apart.
I have a higher education degree and I take public transport often, I’ve lived on my own in two different cities.
My social CV is *okay* but not amazing at all. I’m almost 29, I’m a virgin, and I’m not a very happy person, but I recently got my first education-related full time job.
Based on this, I must have some social skill lessons. So based on this “CV” you guys should ask me anything and I might be able to help.
Get therapy, make a plan together.