My roommate (24F), who used to be my friend, moved in with my boyfriend (24M) and I (24F) over a year ago. Before, she lived with her family in a rural area. She was feeling misunderstood by her family and there weren’t any jobs available there, so we invited her to come live with us for a while and start her life in a supportive environment with a lot of opportunities.
From the beginning, I blew it. For various reasons, none of which are very good, I failed to prepare her living area before she got here (house is a fixer upper), so she stayed in my bedroom for a few months.
Since she came, she has gradually pulled away from everything. I don’t know if she ever intended to get a job, but now she doesn’t. She stopped going out to do things, with me or by herself. At this point, she only ever leaves her bedroom to make food, go to the grocery store, or talk to me on occasion.
She’s gotten worse; being here hasn’t helped her at all. She’s mean now, to my pets, to people online. She’s derisive about my boyfriend’s and my hobbies. She’s pretty misandrous now, which makes my boyfriend uncomfortable and makes me angry. She gripes about work, working, and workers and always has some crappy thing to say if I talk about my day in front of her.
She doesn’t pay us rent or utilities. We haven’t asked her to. She does buy her own food and whatever else.
I feel like I’m being used and simultaneously not doing enough to help her. I am recovering from a traumatic brain injury and I do not have the emotional bandwidth to re-parent an angry adult, and I don’t want that job anyway. I thought she was motivated to build a life for herself. She isn’t, but I am afraid of what kicking her out would do to her. I know her life isn’t my business but she’s making my house a difficult place to be. She recently started therapy, which is good but not yet helping in any way that’s visible to me.
How do I fix this, or at least make it better?
TL;DR: I invited my friend to stay with me to help her get her life together. I set her up poorly when she first got here. After a year and a half, she’s completely disengaged from the world and is making my house an angry, unpleasant place to be. Where do we go from here?
20 comments
Ask her nicely to leave. There is nothing you can do. If she won’t, you may have to evict her. Or change the lock once she goes out for grocery.
>She’s mean now, to my pets
For this alone, you need to throw her out.
>I feel like I’m being used and simultaneously not doing enough to help her.
You mean well, but you are indeed not helping her. You can’t. She needs therapy. You are enabling her.
You can’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
She is not changing as she does not need to. You keep her in home and fed. She is being awful and suffers no consequences. You’ve said and done nothing about her behaviour, so it is now normal.
My advice is to give her a few months of notice to get out. Politely asking her to change will not make her change.
She is not your responsibility, she has brought herself to this situation.
She’s not your friend anymore. It sucks, but if you invite someone to live with you and they take advantage and make your life around them toxic, they have ruined the friendship. So don’t be nice to try to save it, kicking her out will likely kill it anyway.
Don’t be afraid for her; she is an adult. You need to give her proper legal notice that she needs to leave. Even if she doesn’t pay rent, she is still a tenant. You are not helping her anymore, you are enabling her.
You see to be blaming yourself for her situation; you’re not her parent, it wasn’t your job to provide a soft landing spot.
She’s a total fucking loser and a cancer. You need to buck up and kick her out pronto.
FYI given that she has been there that long she almost certainly has some kinda rights and you can’t just launch her out a window. She may functionally be a tenant. You should likely consult a lawyer. But make no mistake, you need to remove the deadbeat loser
Ah, she felt “misunderstood” by her family? I bet she feels misunderstood by you now.
Her family must’ve danced a joyous jig when you took her off their hands.
She needs a therapist asap, pulling away from things that brought her joy and is just downright mean isn’t a healthy sign. And you need to keep your animals safe, your relationship healthy and your life moving forward. You are a friend, not a doormat
Tell her that even though you invited her into your house that she has overstayed her welcome and she needs to find a another place to live! Give her a 2 week notice to leave. Her mental issues are getting worse not better and she’s probably getting darker with depression!! If need be tell her therapist what you are going to do (you can leave her therapist a voicemail) but follow through with the eviction. Don’t aid her issues . For your own sanity tell her to go. Good luck
If you simply can’t deal anymore, kick her out. You have no obligation to her. If you have a little bandwidth left, write down the new house rules ( do not abuse the pets, treat your landlords with courtesy and respect etc.) and start charging her rent, do this in the form of a rental agreement she has to sign. If she doesn’t want to, that’s the end of it and she has to leave.
Either she starts acting like an adult or she can be an angry teenager somewhere else.
I hope your recovery goes well.
If people didn’t help her that’s because there was something WRONG about her BEHAVIOR. My advice? KICK HER OUT. If she refuses to leave, get her family and the police involved.
Have you tried talking to her? Explaining her behavior to her from your point of you? Ask her what or where things went wrong that she’s behaving like this, instead of building her life with your help. Giving a roof over her head for free is a huge help and she should focus on other things to get herself back on her foot.
Seems like you’re a really good friend to her and very compassionate. Please don’t give up on her just yet. Kicking her out as most of the people suggest might be the last straw for her to do something horrible to herself. Ask her if you can go to her therapist with her to talk to her and come up with a plan to get her better step by step.
I really hope she’s agreeing to start changing her behavior with your help. If she doesn’t then I don’t know what to do.
Please keep us posted what happening!
Let her go, her problems aren’t yours and If you continue to try and save her she’ll bring the entire household down, energy Is Important and her energy does not sound conducive for healing at this time, It’s she who’s In her own way, give her tough love by letting her go because she needs to be to understand the lessons she needs to experience In order to heal and start a new chapter.
Being mean to pets should be your indication that she is no longer welcome in your home. She is making their home a fearful one. Im so sorry you have to go through this.
You can’t help people who drag you down and make your own home a miserable place to be, and you and your SO uncomfortable (and that’s without mentioning the danger of having her around your pets if she’s mean to them). She needs a wake-up call and abusing the people who try to help her is something she needs to snap out of. You should give her a short timeline to get out, like a couple of weeks, and stick to it.
Her life is your business if it’s affecting you so much. Assuming you’ve already tried talking to her, establishing boundaries, her requiring to pay rent or moving out if she doesn’t meet some expectations you set for her. Maybe get in contact with her family?
You’re right she’s not your responsibility and it’s within your right to kick her out.
If you want to be really nice to her give her 3mths to find somewhere else to go otherwise give her a months notice to vacate
I didn’t even need to finish. Clearly this environment is helping her, and is making you a better your partner miserable. Not to mention your pets. She needs to go. Either home or to her own place.
Give her a date to move out if she doesn’t get a job by that date. If she doesn’t even make an effort to get a job proceed with the eviction, if you see she is actually trying its your decision to cut her some slack or not but if she continues being the same then you can’t say that you didn’t give her a chance.
If she’s harming your household she needs to go. She can’t expect an easy ride through life on your back.
She needs therapy to work out why she feels they way she does, but you’re not obligated to he there. Let the friendship go for your own health, and maybe it’ll spark something in her.