Are the following good reasons to break up or should I try harder to make this work out? I met this girl about a year ago on a dating app and we’ve been exclusive for most of the past year.
Cons of the relationship, in no particular order (but the last one is the biggest one in my opinion)
– The sex isn’t great for 2 reasons: 1) Our large height difference makes the angles weird and 2) She’s not that into foreplay as much as I am
– She’s been steadily gaining weight since we got into a relationship. As a fitness freak myself who works hard to stay in shape, I find this to be especially unattractive. She exercises, but her weight gain is due to overeating because she’s a big foodie
– She’s into tattoos and has a few pieces here and there (but nothing crazy). I find tattoos very unattractive. I can accept the pieces she already has but she has claimed that she’s interested in getting more tattoos in the future
– I think this last reason is the biggest reason but she looking to move this relationship forward faster than I would like. She says she’s getting pressure from her family to get married and she wants to as well because she thinks she’s on a clock. In her view, if we take things slow and end up not working out, she thinks she’ll have a much harder time finding quality guys the older she gets. She wants kids one day so getting married sooner rather than later is important to her. I’m open to marriage and kids as well, I just don’t like how fast she’s trying to push this although I can kinda see where she is coming from (she has some older friends who are struggling to find good men so she scared that age will make it harder for her as well if we don’t work out). I’ve already communicated that I want to take things slow, but she’s firm on this and has given me a 6mon deadline to figure out if I want to marry her or not
None of the above are dealbreakers for me on their own, but I’m starting to wonder if the combination is
I’m in no rush to get married and have kids but she apparently is. I think I might be able to work through and get over the other issues to make this relationship work, but there’s no guarantees and it’ll probably take me some time which she thinks she doesn’t have.
What do I do? Any thoughts or insights? Better to just end things now or keep trying to make things work?
4 comments
How much do you love her? Will this change if she gains more weight and more tattoos? Can you live with this sex for the rest of your life? If you love her enough then you can deal with most of these right now, but what about in a year? 5? I know it’s hard but ask yourself questions and be honest with yourself. Also it’s not healthy to be pressured for marriage and kids. You life your decision. Whatever you decide make sure you talk to her, not in text or call.
I think a lot of things depend on how old you are and how long you’ve been together.
If you got together recently, I’d recommend just breaking it off, it doesn’t sound like either of you are right for each other.
If you’ve been together for a while, then you need to figure it out. While ultimatums are tricky and rarely helpful, she’s completely justified to express that she wants to be married and start a family soon. If you are headed in a different path in life, then you should think about breaking it iff.
1. I can sympathize with worrying about a loved one’s weight gain. It’s a risk factor for a number of fatal illnesses. I, too, have a hard time watching people kill themselves with unhealthy habits. But here’s my red flag: the word you use is “unattractive.” You don’t say you’re worried about her health. You don’t mention concern that it might be a sign of stress or depression (which it often is). You say you find it “unattractive.” This begs the question of whether you see her as a whole person. Red flag.
2. It sounds like you’d like to influence her decision on whether or not to put more tattoos on her body. It’s her body, not yours. Red flag.
3. Women really do have a biological clock in a way that men don’t. Pregnancy outcomes are best before age 35. Some doctors consider all pregnancies above 35 to be high-risk. Then, sometime in the late 30s to mid 40s, egg counts drop precipitously, making it hard to get pregnant. There’s no way to predict when it will happen for a specific person, but it often means fertility treatments like IVF and donated eggs, if you want a family. So, she actually is on a literal clock. And it runs out earlier for some women than others. If you’re in your early twenties, this isn’t a big deal. If you’re closer to 30, it’s understandable for her to want to settle down in time to have kids by 35. It may mean that this isn’t the right relationship for her. And that’s OK. Nothing says you two have to make it work. But she is on a clock and might need to look for someone more ready to settle down.
Overall, what I hear in your post is a general focus on your aesthetic preferences for her body, coupled with a lack of focus on her perspective. If I were her friend, I’d advise her to break up with you. I don’t think you’d be doing her any favors by continuing with the relationship, but I do advise you to take a look at your attitude towards women before entering another one.
[removed]