Confronting the need to be liked

Hello there.

I have been struggling with this for years.

I don’t speak the truth, I avoid confrontation, I pretend, I betray my values, I am not authentic – all to be liked.

I am doing spiritual practices (prayer, meditation, contemplation, “A Course in Miracles”), and soon I am going to join a 12 Step group.

I have seen all the videos, read all the motivational quotes, been in therapy multiple times.

I don’t need more of that. I have to act. I am convinced that I can let go of it, but it seems scary.

I think that by now it is just habitual, and with a little practice it will disappear.

Do you know some hobby or activity, where not being liked is an absolutely normal casual daily thing?

Or some other way I can practice?

I would love to hear from you, especially if you struggled with this yourself.

Thank you!

Start wherever you can and start small—different favorite colors, foods, etc. Treat them like argumentative essays in school where you have to convince others you’re right. Although I was like you and had a crippling desire to be liked, it gradually changed the more time I wasted doing what others wanted me to to as I came to appreciate I wasn’t happy.

Games with friends are an easy place to start, if you play. Competitive games in particular will get you riled up and you’ll not WANT to like them and vice versa, after they kick ur butt at something a few times of course.

Develop opinions on things starting with the foundational realization that YOU are the only person you will be with every minute of every day, for the rest of your life till death! So you better learn to like yourself, or at least not bend like grass whenever someone else comes along to step on you or try to get you to believe/praise them, otherwise you’ll find yourself unhappy or worse—hating yourself/not recognize who you even are. And who wants to be with a depressed doormat?

Look to rebels, cool protagonists that stand up for themselves, people who live alone yet seem to be happy or happy-go-lucky. There is a certain… selfishness, but also uniqueness/personal development that is required here. But if you can develop that kinda selfish attitude, appreciate that you will be able to stand up FOR others too. It’s a bit paradoxical but you’re becoming selfish.. so you can be better for them. And then it will be another tool in your arsenal, alongside your compassion.

Speaking from experience, it’s not a easy place to come back from, indulging yourself more selfishly, and you can easily be an asshole. The line between assertiveness and just blind aggression is narrow, similar to healthy masculinity vs toxic stuff. So appreciate what you have now too. I’d want to be your friend, seems like you might make others feel good about themselves…. Just as long as you can be honest eventually, cuz that will show you aren’t just being fake when you compliment them.

These things take time. I lived the way you’re describing my whole life—only really changed after breaking up with who I thought was the love of my life and experienced a bit of a hard character reset thanks to the resultant depression. Yet after, you can employ that arseholery or compassion depending on the situation! In defense of others, of yourself. And look up my friend. This attitude changes as you grow less patient, and if I could change so can you. Realize others don’t always have your best interests in mind.

Confronting the need to be liked

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