Sorry in advance for all the tmi. But I constantly think of sex. If it’s been longer than 3 days, I get anxious. Typical Withdrawal symptoms of any addiction. And it’s affecting my mental health. When I don’t have sex, I just masturbate, 3+ times a day. It’s exhausting but if I don’t , I will go insane. I’m a very sensual and sex oriented person, high libido all the time, but my partner is the opposite. He likes sex, but he has very low libido. He doesn’t see the need to have sex all the time, and doesn’t understand my constant horniness. He claims this is because he likes me for me, and not my body. He doesn’t want the foundation of our relationship to be sexual. When we have sex it’s passionate, full of love, and so satisfying. But it’s not enough for me. However, I feel bad when I push myself onto him and don’t get the reaction I was expecting. I stop when he doesn’t seem to be in the mood, but it instantly makes me sad. I feel like I use him. He swears he doesn’t feel bad about it, and would use the safe words if he felt uncomfortable, but I can’t help but think of how much of a bad person I am for being so pushy. The longer I go without sex, the worse I treat him. We fight more, see each other less and it just makes me feel worse. It’s a cycle that is so hard to break. It is not intentional but it happens and I feel horrible! Anyways, the point of this is , I want to fix it. How do I manage the addiction? How do I talk to him about my sporadic emotions that are caused by the lack of sex? How can I lower my sex drive so I’m content with not doing it a lot?
TLDR: I have a sex addiction that my partner does not share. How do I get rid of the addiction so I have a happier relationship?
2 comments
I don’t think I’ve ever related so much to a post. Sex addict that masturbates heavily as well
If you want to “fix” it the two approaches that will likely get you the best results are either joining a 12 step program or working with a therapist who specializes in sex addiction, the thing to look for there is CSAT, which indicates certification dealing with this stuff. Your partner can/should join a support group for partners of addicts.
From what you say, you are fortunate in that you aren’t dealing with terribly destructive urges. You aren’t breaking laws, victimizing anyone, it sounds like you aren’t even cheating. But it does sound like you have some compulsive behaviors, and are in the addiction cycle.
There’s a book you should read, Out Of The Shadows by Patrick Carnes (I think that’s right) that will give you sort of an overview of sex addiction. The book will either leave you saying “oh crap that’s me” or, “that’s not it at all”. Like I said, you are on the mild side and a lot of the addict stories won’t connect. I had that “I feel like an addict who needs a dose” feeling for a long time and never made the connection that yes in fact I am an addict. Didn’t realize how much I was hurting my wife either. Didn’t even realize I was cheating. I was able to rationalize everything away. Sex addiction is not what most people think it is, and you don’t work on it quite the same as other addictions. The good news is, you don’t have to be celibate to be “sober”, the bad news is, it’s more complicated than that, and just as compulsive. You can work on it, you can do better.
There are some sex addiction support groups here on Reddit that will be more useful to you than posting here.