The answer should be yes, but I developed a hangup when I was talking to a girl I became very close to. As the discussions got deeper and more intimate, she began to ask on insecurities, and she’d sometimes detect them because I’m bad when it comes to hiding pain.
She’d ask me what’s wrong, and keep pushing me, promising that she won’t judge me, and I opened up. After that, I continued to open up to her when she asked, but I found a markedly different turn in her behavior towards me.
She began to respect me less, see me as less confident and overly insecure. I know this because she told me, she thought I was confident at first, and then realized I’m neurotic and insecure.
But anyways, it got to the point where she said she wants me to ramble to her through text when I feel like it. I did, and immediately after, she told me she’s not going to read them for her own mental health, and she hopes I find peace.
I guess what I’m asking is, if a woman asks me to open up about my problems and insecurities, should I just lie and never tell them? They say they won’t judge you, but it seems that’s just a lie people tell themselves because they imagine themselves virtuous. Why else would they listen to my insecurities if not to judge them?
And I’m a guy, not a girl. My insecurities aren’t cute to others, they’re ugly. My role and stereotype is meant to be this stoic, dominative figure, not a person with insecurities and problems, and women will judge me to that stereotype.
The cope would be to seek a woman deeper than that, but how can that be possible if being insecure is just objectively not attractive for men. It’s like telling a narcissist to wait for the right one.
So what do I do?
EDIT: I make her sound like a psychopath, but she was a very kind and sympathetic woman with her own problems. That’s why this is messing with me.
18 comments
This is why we men are the way we are. Your traditional old male stero-type that society decided to punish then figured out that they really don’t want to know we can be vulnerable.
Advice: Drop her….pursue other women…..and this time keep all your insecurities to yourself. Bottle them up and only talk about them when throwing back a few drinks with the bros.
She’s trying to be supportive, but you’re unloading too much to the point she can’t handle it. The name for it is trauma dumping, and it’s very damaging to relationships. You need to see a therapist and talk to them about your issues instead.
Imagine how painful it must be to hear someone you care about struggle with so many issues, and be absolutely powerless to help them in any way. And this goes on and on until you’re emotionally exhausted, and you just can’t continue to listen to what that person is saying for your own sake. It might be hard to believe, but she’s having a hard time reading what you send because she cares too much, not that she cares too little.
Also, as an aside, texting is really only meant for simple conversation. If you want to talk about your personal issues in depth, that should happen in person.
Open up? Sure.
Not unload your entire trauma on someone.
I’d be cautious with opening up to just anyone since some women will abuse it or lose respect for you.
Like it or not, as a man we’re expected to be an emotional rock. Stable, with our shit together. You open up too much too fast, and you break that. If you want to open up, do it piece by piece, in the right way.
A lot of the time, when somebody asks us to open up, they don’t realize that they’re making an implicit promise: a promise to do work. Listening is an active process, and requires one to pay attention, and often to empathize.
Sometimes, it takes a lot of emotional stamina to listen. It’s real, emotional labor.
If you find yourself needing a consistent outlet for pain, seek a therapist. Yeah, we *should* be able to open up to our loved ones, but it remains that they aren’t trained professionals. If a loved one asks you to open up, sometimes the best way is to pace ourselves, moderate our output and their input.
You messed up. Despise what women say, they do lose attraction and respect for men who talk about their emotions.
It may be on a subconscious level, so there’s a disconnect between what they say and what they do. Pay attention to a woman’s actions, not words.
You aren’t doing nothing wrong. And don’t listen to other people shaming you. Irony of being a man. This woman didn’t know what she got herself into. That’s on her. But next time understand your role as a man. A man isn’t supposed to be overly emotional no matter if the woman ask. Instead you only share what is needed to help her problems. Share your problems with a guy or a trusted person.
A woman will always find it weak even if they ask. Also another mistake you made is that you are listening to her. Lol, if you don’t want to share, don’t! Make her earn it through her actions. You aren’t an open book. You are a dairy with a passcode. She will secretly respect you more when she feels like she doesn’t control your vibe.
It’s socially inappropriate to take advantage of someone’s kindness in this way. Remember, all conversations should be equally balanced
It sounds like this person was immature. Did this happen when you were both fairly young, like, before your mid 20’s?
Either way, though it hurt, what you encountered was one person not being able to accept you. Not everyone is going to react like that. Write this person off as just that: someone who wasn’t right for you. If she was immature then yes, it’s very common and normal for people of both sexes to build up an ideal image of someone, especially someone they’re romantically interested in. I would avoid making this into a black and white, “people just want to look good” thing. That’s going to make you needlessly bitter.
There is nothing wrong with opening up about very deep, ugly problems to someone you have a close relationship with. Don’t let this experience cause you to wall yourself off from opening up to others. No, you do not have some kind of ‘role’ to be any type of uber masculine stereotype.
> but how can that be possible if being insecure is just objectively not attractive for men.
You’re heading down a very dark path if you start to judge ALL women by your past experiences with ONE (or a small handful of) woman.
Seems you are opening up to this woman for the purpose of receiving more of her attention, time, reassurance, approval, validation. The more you do this though, the more needy and desperate you will become for her and the less likely she will reciprocate and associate with you. People notice the way you act and carry yourself around them. They can sense your vibes. They know when you are overly attached to them and heavily dependent upon them for online/offline attention. Your actions tend to show it. The tell tale signs are you texting/calling them way more than they are to you, and you being anxious, emotionally reacting to everything, dumping personal problems on to them, and confronting them when they don’t give you attention, time, reassurance, approval, validation either online/offline for whatever reason. People are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation. They gravitate towards somebody who is self confident, brings positive vibes in conversations, and is well rounded enough in life to not depend on others. You need to become genuinely busy in your life focusing on your hobbies and goals, while interacting with other people on the side. Find something you enjoy doing in life and keep doing that overtime. You will build much needed self esteem and self confidence. Chase excellence, not people.
You only open up to a licensed professional who’s job it is to help. Friends are a horrible choice despite how much someone asks you to. If you’re a man, it’s double as bad to confide in any woman who isn’t your mother or a therapist. They just don’t care and as you’ve noticed, lose respect for you.
You don’t have to be stoic and you don’t have to avoid all women and their inquiries because of one experience.
Get a therapist if you want to open up to someone in a judgement free zone. Sounds like you have a lot to talk about.
There’s definitely an art to sharing some amount but not too much with a newer friend or bf/gf. Oversharing can indeed scare people away. But under-sharing has just as many problems.
I just read the title. My answer is NO
sounds like a manipulative shitty person, like to pretend to create a safe space for you to share & then using that against you, its mind games & its about power & control for her.
sounds toxic to me, I dont think you did anything wrong, sounds like she is judging you unfairly.
You have to understand that in general a lot of people, especially women tend to get used like unpaid therapists.
While you speaking about your issues isn’t a bad thing, she has her own life and her own issues to deal with. You probably aren’t the only person telling her stuff too.
For me I used to listen to people’s problems and offer solutions, but one day I realised i was carrying too much of other people’s issues but not mine.
And when the same issue got brought up to me that day, I got really mad. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
>The cope would be to seek a woman deeper than that, but how can that be possible if being insecure is just objectively not attractive for men.
Do you normally tell a friend this much about your issues? Because in general guys tend to have friendships that are not that deep, and end up trauma dumping on their partners/potential partners. That could be why this issue was there.
For me I’ve had someone open up about their issues. But while I could acknowledge their pain, in the end i realised that they were living off the pity I gave, and banking on my empathy. When I told them I need some time to figure out my own issues, they gave me 0 support.
Do you listen to her problems too? Maybe it just feels one sided to her?
Just don’t make that same mistake again.
If you need to vent, vent to a trusted friend or family member to get through those issues.
Time and time again women will say one thing but completely behave in a completely different manner; this is why you don’t take dating advice from women.
A partner wanting to connect will want to know about your insecurities. A woman wanting to be attracted to her partner will want to see he is attempting to resolve the insecurity. You are right that there is some weird primal desire for the typical woman (if there is a thing) to not want her “man” to be shaken by anything. But honestly every guy shows his hand eventually. So yes- you should have told her but to keep her attraction to you then also show her how you are working on it.
To be more basic… If my “man” told me :you know I’ve been feeling insecure about my weight” and then added he was going to work out- then actually did it I would find that very attractive (that’s a true story). In a sea of people who say one thing and do another voicing your insecurities can be an opportunity. I say show your true colors then own it. I’ll share an insecurity that can’t be easily resolved. I feel ugly. I dislike my nose, swore my whole life I’d get a nose job as a kid… turned 18 realized getting pieces of me cut off was really dumb when it served no medical purpose. I learned to accept me. I didn’t start thinking I was good looking. It meant I learned to look at the parts of me that I did admire. I don’t mind telling people that story even though it brings attention to my odd shaped nose. I’m more than that and to me owning it reminds people that I value myself.
Remember that insecurities can be facts- some changeable.
They can be feelings too that you just have to manage. (For example I said I feel ugly, doesn’t mean I actually am).
Use your understanding to what your insecurities are to add to the factor or feeling- so something about it and be even better for it.
I noticed a lot of ppl suggested speaking to a therapist. They are great to help you organize a plan of action too.
Best wishes.
Let me add to that I have/had a partner that is not communicating about issues and I’m ready to walk because of it. He’s a full on brick wall. If he doesn’t open up I think I’ll feel like I don’t know him and can’t have an honest relationship. I don’t want to do that at all. I’m torn because more than anything the most important thing to me is to be able to close my eyes next to him at night and have confidence that I’ve been afforded the best opportunity to know who he is.
Not going to gaslight you and blame you for this.
It’s going to sound a little misogynistic, but a LOT of women do this and sabotage their relationships beyond repair.
They beg you to open up and when you’re suddenly not the stoic rock they thought you were, immediately lose attraction.
Best I can tell you is to keep it hidden and find better outlets or find a better woman that doesn’t fall into this psychopathic pattern.