Boyfriend and I are in a rough patch in the bedroom. Approaching 2 years together in September. Our rough patch has been the last 6 months or so. Have lived together since January. Sex fell off about 2 months into living together. Then I brought up the conversation about it in March. He didn’t. We talked, he didn’t think anything was wrong and he was satisfied, but acknowledged my needs. We promised to increase intimacy and get out of our routine. We both weren’t initiating. Fast forward and we got Covid and had some life stuff happen, so slight improvement but not much into May. June, things start increasing and we’re up to sex once a week, basically on the weekend in the morning. My ideal is sex 2-3 times a week with each other. He didn’t say if he had an ideal. We both work from home, in between those weekend sex occurrences nothing was happening. For the last 2 weeks of June I noticed he would quickly change his computer screen and I figured he was looking at porn. That indicated to me he was horny still. It happened more though and I got curious so I asked him once or twice what he was up to. He said “oh nothing “.
I got suspicious and snooped, which was wrong . I found stuff I that looked like he was maybe cheating and so I came clean about snooping and asked him what was up. It led me to ask him if he preferred masturbation over sex with me. Not asking out a place of insecurity, but asking out of curiosity because things weren’t making sense. He tells me has a low sex drive, lower than mine at least, but I saw he masturbates at least 2 times a week during the 5 day work week. So, he is horny during the week. Just not for partnered sex or maybe even for me. He hasn’t took initiative to pleasure me in the last 3 weeks either. It’s all been about him and just penetration on those once a week sessions. I am finding it hard to believe he has a low sex drive and doesn’t prefer to masturbate to porn over sex with me like he had said. I really feel like he’s just telling me all these things to spare my feelings, but deep down he doesn’t have the same desire for me and prefers the visual stimulation of whoever and whatever he finds online. I’m really just over it.
4 comments
So masturbation isn’t always necessarily because you’re horny. Or at least not because you want sex. For some folks it’s part of a routine and is a type of release but it’s not always the case that you want or need to have that with another person.
But the more concerning thing isn’t his sex drive but that he doesn’t feel he can talk to you about it. It may be the case that he’s embarrassed or worried about disappointing you. Which is totally understandable. He also might be trying to figure it out for himself as well.
I think the most important thing is to reassure him that your relationship is a safe space to talk about your individual sex drives and sex life as a couple. In fact, that’s necessary to make sure y’all are both on the same page and feeling fulfilled.
Take some time to think about your needs as well and consciously communicate them to him. Then y’all can move forward figuring out how to best build up your sex lives together
Masturbation and sex are two different things. He may need a release and using porn is easy because men are generally very visual when it comes to sex, but with masturbation, it’s all about him and his release.
However, sex is a shared experience that’s not just about orgasming. It requires putting in work, stamina, etc, unless the guy is just using you as a fuck doll which isn’t cool to do. So if his drive is low and he doesn’t want to put in the effort, it has nothing to do with him masturbating unless his masturbation is chronic to the point that he has some kind of addiction. But two times a week (or even once a day) isn’t really crazy.
However, there is reason to be concerned. If you guys are mismatched in sexual libido and he really doesn’t care about satisfying your needs, you’re going to be doing a lot, if not all of the compromise in the bedroom and that can take its toll on anyone. If you can separate the idea of sex and masturbation, maybe you can understand that his behavior is not a reflection on you or his feelings for you.
However, if you can understand that and still are offended by his inability to work past his issues to WANT to please you like many partners do, then maybe it is good to be “over it”. Find a guy who matches your energy in the bedroom.
Orgasming can be for relieving stress and perhaps he’s not wanting to ‘use you’ as a tool for stress relief and keep his fun times with you as something more intimate?
That’s my interpretation of things anyway. ♥️
>How do you cope with your partner not being 100% honest with you about their sex drive or desire for you?
I would use brutal honesty. I would say that I’m unhappy because of X, Y, and Z, and if we can’t fix this, then I would like to end this relationship because I don’t see myself living this way for the rest of my life.
And see where that leads me.
I would make the mental preparation to leave.
1.5 years is way too soon in a relationship to lose the spark.