I don’t even know how to explain this, I would like to know if it’s me overreacting or if it is really weird.
Yesterday we were having a deep conversation about traumatic experiences. We both shared stories that left us transformed or that “forged” our caracter. Then the conversation led to subjects like physical/verbal abuse we both experienced ; from our parents, bullies, friends…
It felt amazing to be able to share all of this with someone who relates, however I really wanted to tell him about my sexual abuse but I was still really hesitant because I never told anyone about it.
We went to bed but I was still trying to find the words to tell him about it. Then I finally got the courage to tell him. I tried so hard not to cry but my voice began to shake the first second I tried to talk.
He sounded surprised and chocked but as soon as I started to get emotionnal he put his arm around me and listened without saying a word. I felt like a weight was lifted from my back.
I really wished the following didn’t happen and we ended our night peacefully like this…
He asked me a LOT of questions afterwards. I don’t remember all of them but they focused on what the abuser did to me physically. It went from questions like “Did he pin you down?” to “Where did he touch you?”. He asked so while touching the area on my body.
At some point he kept asking these questions and I just went silent and closed my eyes. He kept touching me and doing stuff and he stopped when I said “Thank you, I think I going to sleep now”.
It was so weird and honestly I felt sick because I was remembering the abuse and him doing this disgusted me.
I can’t stop thinking about this and cringe so hard. Should I talk about this with him and tell him I didn’t feel comfortable with him asking me so much detail about it? Or should I just forget that this happened and assume that he did it because that’s his way to show affection and concern??
19 comments
This is disturbing. I wouldn’t get over it either. Normal people wouldn’t have asked you all these invasive and unnecessary questions about how you got touched. Sounds like it turned him on
He was probably showing care and concern. I would talk to him about how you feel though. It sounds like he will respond positively.
I would seriously talk to him about it, only because it’ll give you immense clarity on what his intentions were with his actions etc. He could have just asked you questions about it without realizing how curious he was in the moment. Just wanting to know about the details because he never heard of such thing in person maybe, but ya him touching you while doing so is the weird part of it all. In the end you both did something amazing which was opening up with each other on hard topics so this is just another test in you both opening up also. Nonetheless express yourself to him entirely, on how it made you feel, and what it made you think when he did all that. He should know that that’s just something you don’t do and that only opens more of the wounds from the past so I really REALLY hope he’s aware of that. hope this helped! and just make sure your getting the 100% honesty from him in the end.
Wow. Sounds like he was getting off on it. Be very careful. If he repeats this by asking the same questions and touching you again then you have a massive problem and should probably not stay with him.
Anyone that gets off on someone else’s SA is NOT normal mentally.
You need to voice your concerns, and today. Otherwise they will eat at you. I would also have been very bothered by this behavior but I will hold space for giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Personally I find this worrying. Anyone who had any clue about abuse would not do this out of respect and a desire to not re-traumatise you… the first thing that leapt to mind is that he might have a fetish for this kind of thing which, unchecked, is potentially very dangerous. It also sounds like he basically molested you – silence indicates a lack of consent and he touched you anyway, in an emotionally vulnerable state. Saying “no” is not the only way to say no. How could he possibly think touching someone sexually while they disclose sexual abuse to him is acceptable in any way?
If you feel comfortable to, I think you need to speak to him about this and tell him exactly how it made you feel. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, I would find someone trusted to stay with for a while and figure out if you still want to be with him.
Good luck, OP
Very odd that you’re married with someone and only know you tell him about this…. This is some early dating thing usually “hey I suffered sexual abuse in my past, so I am very sensitive about these things and certain areas of my body.”
My gf literally whipped that one out on the third date and went… Please don’t ever have just a mustache, mustaches remind me of that. And never touch me with your fingers down there it brings back bad memories. And I was like cool. No problem.
Eventually she got over that last part as time went on.
But yeh this seems just a clasic case of miss communication.
I have been with my husband 19 years. A couple years ago I told him my deep dark secret. A secret I thought I’d take to the grave.
Through the years he always asked me “has anyone ever touched you growing up?” “Why are you so scared all the time” “are you sure? You can tell me…even if it was a family member I’ll understand.”
He was researching why my mental health at the time was so bad and I fit the criteria of a sexual abuse victim.
I eventually one night told him I was abused by a man my Mom dated briefly. I cried hysterically for hours and he held me in his arms and told me he loved me and when I was ready to talk he’s there.
Years passed and my mental health was getting worse.
I had post partum depression, my daughter was the same age as me when my abuse happened and I was triggered a lot, I was renovating a house and then we sold and bought again. My brain was shut down with stress…but in reality the weight of the secret was a majority of it.
So I told my husband one night there was more. We organized an afternoon to talk about it. I told him I was a victim of child rape.
NOT ONE TIME in this entire time has someone asked me details of my sexual abuse. Not even investigators. Everything has been very basic. Not too invasive because of retraumatizing going over details can be.
I sat in video recorded rooms with police telling them the story time and time again…I had never been so dissociated in my life.
My husband has even given me space with sex on the times where I have talked about the abuse. If I initiate it then he asks if I’m okay. And we have sex daily. He respects me in my vulnerable times.
I’m worried for you because our stories in sharing secrets sounds similar and yet we had very different outcomes.
I know how important it is to share your story and have someone validate you.
It sounds like he was trying to retraumatize you to get off on it.
Brene Brown is an amazing author who helped me immensely, she often talks about how not everyone is deserving of hearing our story because the response is so critical to our shame story.
This is your husband not just some guy. I know it’s hard to read people saying negative things about him but I suggest talking to him and telling him his response was inappropriate along with how it made you feel.
If you read please read The body keeps the score. It will help you, I promise.
Holy shit. That’s pretty fucked up. I’m kinda at a loss for words. Creepy AF
Honestly that’s very concerning. Almost like he was getting off to the thought of it happening? There’s no reason why he needed to ask those questions and even touch you.
Please don’t sweep it under the rug, tell him how it made you feel. I’m hoping that maybe he didn’t get off on it and just wasn’t understanding how inappropriate that was. Never let anything that makes you uncomfortable go
Some people are saying that he was getting off on it, and that may be true, but there is also the possibility that he’s trying to know exactly what happened so that in the future he knows what could upset you.
It would also help if you were a little more clear on what “he kept touching me and doing stuff” means 🙂
He was probably trying to “erase” those memories by creating new ones with his own touch, if that makes sense. I’m sorry you’re not happy about it but I would talk to him about it before freaking out first.
I’ve shared my sexual trauma history with a few different people in my life and no one ever asked questions like that or did that kind of thing. This is super weird and troublesome.
This is way above the capabilities of Reddit, and you should consult a professional. Neither you nor your husband knows how to deal with this.
Oh, ish, no. He was getting off imagining you being assaulted.
Hey OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you!
Your boyfriend’s incessant questioning was clearly hurtful but it’s also possible that it wasn’t malicious Some people need to cling to facts ‘what, how, why’ when processing shocking or trauma inducing information.
Most people cant comprehend the deviance of a murderer, rapist, pedophile so clinging to facts might have been his way of trying to understand what happened.
If you can, please seek the professional support of psychologist/therapist to help you navigate this difficult situation. I’m rooting for you and your wellbeing!
I’m so sorry this is so scary. Normal people may ask questions but not while touching you and not to get aroused. You are NOT over reacting. What he did is not ok. If you feel safe saying so, tell him this. That you shared something so traumatic and thought you could trust him and he turned it into something sick for his own gratification and traumatized you further. I personally would leave for a few days and discuss what to do with my therapist. There is something really wrong and seriously concerning about how he reacted and treated you.
This man was turned on by thinking of someone else abusing you. I cannot imagine what the fuck he was doing and I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You need to have a frank conversation about what he did and then leave and never look back.
Told my partner (now husband) about it fairly earlier on and he has never asked for specifics. It enrages him to think that a man did this to me. Hurt me so badly. He was nothing but supportive and did not pry. He also backed off sexually when I was struggling from ptsd after having to interact with my rapist again.
So the touching thing I’m curious about was kt comforting touching or sexual initiation touching? Because I think that’s really where the answer lies. I understand some people are more curious that others, I am especially curious but have learned not to ask some questions. It’s possible he just like that and never learned to not ask questions. But unfortunately I think it’s more likely he was getting off on it…. which is sad.