I’m the sort of person who, when I give my honest opinion, I don’t mince words. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t resort to *name-calling* or anything of the sort, but I am also very straightforward and blunt in giving my assessment of something. If a friend comes to me looking for input, and I feel that they did something wrong, I *will* call them out on it. In my mind, anything less is a dereliction of my own moral responsibility to help them in being the best that they can be, as well as a greater responsibility that I have to the community at large.
For example, one time I had a friend who struggled with dating ask me for advice on asking women out, and I told him to meet women in places like bars, clubs, or parties, or to try online dating. I advised him to be confident, build a rapport for a few weeks, and try to gauge how she responds to him – I encouraged him to trust his instincts and to not let his fear of rejection slow him down.
About a week and a half later, he comes to me on Facebook to tell me the good news: he asked a woman out! She ultimately declined, but he was so happy he went for it! I congratulated him… at first.
But then he told me the circumstances in which he asked her out. And suddenly, my response was less encouraging.
Basically, he said that he asked out a barista at a café that he had been going to on and off for the past three weeks or so. He kept it simple, told her he was going to the street performers and wanted to know if she was planning on seeing them as well. She told him that she was working, but that she might go watch them on her day off.
Instead of praising him, I felt like I had to burst his bubble and explain to him why what he did was so wrong (abridged version of multiple texts):
“Okay, so I’m going to be completely honest with you, the way you went about it was very inappropriate and you should not be proud of yourself for what went down. First and foremost, you don’t ask a woman out while she’s at work. Ever. Not acceptable. In fact, if your only interaction with her has been at her job, she is off-limits. Your interest in dating someone does not trump their right to feel comfortable. You need to think about how THEY feel, not just what YOU want.”
I went on to advise my friend to avoid that café going forward, for at least the next six months or so, and if he *does* go back, to avoid interacting with her beyond what is necessary and to leave with his food, rather than staying and spending time in her orbit.
He didn’t take my advice very well and wound up distancing himself from me. That’s his right, but he asked for my honest opinion and I had the decency to give it to him.
I’ve had this happen a number of times before with other friends. I’ve called them out a number of times for saying or doing things that I felt were inappropriate: contacting someone who had previously blocked them on social media, asking someone out after already being given a “soft no”, etc. I will say this to them not only on Facebook messenger or via texting, but sometimes even *right to their face.* I straight-up told one of my friends that the reason a woman wouldn’t want to date him is “because [he’s] creepy.” (I said that in reference to the manner in which he related to/interacts with her, and that it has nothing to do with how he looks or what he’s interested in.) I’ve had people tell me that I’m too harsh, that I should tone it down, but I really don’t think I’m wrong for holding people accountable for their actions, including (maybe even especially) my friends.
So, should I soften my tone when speaking to them? Should I convey what I need to say with extra tact? Because I don’t want the message to get lost by me pussyfooting around everything.
4 comments
The message you used as an example makes it sound like you see yourself as an expert/teacher/coach/parent to your friends. You’re establishing dominating dynamic, you’re not offering advice, you’re giving instructions and expecting them to follow. It’s not surprising they don’t like it.
You’re coming in weirdly hot. You could get the same message across in fewer words and without talking down to them. Like, “I’d advise against asking people out when they are working because they are forced to talk to you and you might make them uncomfortable.” Telling your friend to avoid a cafe for six months is kind of overkill.
It really depends….being a people pleaser and telling people only what they want to hear is definitely not helpful. Sometimes bluntness can be great!
However the key is knowing when it’s appropriate. If you’re so tone deaf you can’t tell the difference between a friend who needs a sympathetic ear or a bit of gentle encouragement and someone who needs the hard truth you’re best off keeping quiet.
Likewise it can be patronising to your friends if you always consider yourself some kind of oracle who thinks they can solve complex problems with seemingly simple solutions. Telling someone with crippling social anxiety to just be more confident for example would be irritating in the extreme.
Basically if you have good judgement and tact then honest advice can be great. If you’re someone who ‘tells it like it is’ in all situations then you just lack a social filter and should reign it in.
Idk about the not approaching women at work part. I know some women say it’s uncomfortable and wrong, but me and a lot of other women wouldn’t mind it. The key is taking no for an answer and not pushing it. Yeah it could be awkward anyway but that’s life. Some women say it makes them feel like they are in danger but you can’t live your life thinking every situation is the same. Obviously you always need to look out for yourself, but I think the “don’t approach women” thing has been been blown way out of proportion.
I’ve been hit on at work and it was fine even when I wasn’t interested. I’ve never had a man stalk me or continue to pressure me. If men stopped doing that then I would be single forever because I don’t like online dating, I’m not interested in clubs or bars, and I’m too awkward to approach anyone first. Even if I wasn’t too awkward to approach a guy first then I would be doing the same thing that people say men shouldn’t do.