Update: Thank you so very much to everyone who took the time to respond. I have made an appointment with my Obgyn to get a blood test to confirm if I am pregnant. If positive, I will tell him before he leaves so that he has the chance to decide whether he still wants to move or if he wants to stay here. I truly appreciate all of your opinions!
Advice needed. I tested faintly positive today on a pregnancy test. My period isn’t due until Tuesday but I was having symptoms. My boyfriend and I weren’t trying or preventing. I’m well established in life so that’s not a concern. The issue is this: he let me know last week that he will be moving out of the area at the end of the month(very far away) I am trying to respect his unilateral decision because he has had a difficult time with his career here and this would be a good move for him. I am not sure if/when I should tell him. I originally was planning to wait until he got settled there but am not sure if he will be mad that I didn’t say something before he left. I don’t want this to keep him here as I don’t want him to be resentful. I also want to make sure everything is healthy and okay. Unfortunately, we never discussed what we would do in this situation so I don’t even know if he would want to be a parent. Has anyone been in this situation or can you give me some insight into what you would do in this situation?
38 comments
My wife waited 2 weeks the 1st time, i was pissed lol. Sooner the better I say. Besides, you all did it together, mays well go through it together.
Definitely tell him as soon as possible and before he leaves. It’s not just that he absolutely needs to know so he can make choices but it’s also that he can give you support when you need it.
I think he has a right to know as soon as possible.
I would be up front with him. What decisions he makes based on this new information are his to make. If you hide this from him then you’re warping his judgement on important life choices.
You can wait until you have an official appointment and confirmation but you shouldn’t wait any longer than that. It’s definitely your choice but if he’s someone you don’t mind being part of your life it’s better to tell him asap.
The fact you’re considering keeping it from him means you’re prepared to handle this alone if you have to. Use your best judgment
If you’re not preventing you’re trying
Tell him now. If a partner told me after I had moved away I’d be furious
*If you aren’t preventing, you’re trying.*
As soon as possible. Let him know “faintly” and such. Don’t leave anything out.
Tough situation. I can see both sides.
You should be honest now.
You are trying to let him grow in his career and not let this hold him back.
In the end, IMO, tell him and he needs to make his own decision.
Tell him ASAP. People have drastically different ideas of how an unplanned pregnancy should be handled and one should never make assumptions about how their partner would feel. Ideally, this is a conversation that should have already happened a long time ago so definitely don’t wait a second longer.
Editing to add: Be clear that it’s just a faint line, that you haven’t been to a doctor yet to confirm, etc. let him know everything as it unfolds, it’s ok to go through this together.
If he is moving far away, how will he help you with the baby after it’s born? Is it temporary, or are you moving with him?
What if he says he doesn’t want a child, would you be willing to get an abortion or be a single mom?
There’s nothing I can tell you apart from stuff you can’t do anything about now, but I say this for others reading this: do make sure to discuss with a partner, consider if it’s a deal-breaker for you if your partner has a different opinion, and make sure if you aren’t trying then you are using BC (and specifically for men, don’t be an idiot and leave all the responsibility to the woman). Honestly I’d rip the bandaid off OP. Even if it turns out to be a false positive, or you miscarry, I’d let him know already that you’re having symptoms and that you are possibly pregnant, and do give him space to think about what he wants if it is indeed the case.
I would tell him right now.. you don’t want him to find out later when he is away. Also you both can go together and check it out. Could be a false positive also
Is just be honest with him asap
>The issue is this: he let me know last week that he will be moving out of the area at the end of the month(very far away) I am trying to respect his unilateral decision because he has had a difficult time with his career here and this would be a good move for him.
Ok. You said you tested faintly positive on pregnancy test. Did you see an obgyn for confirmation yet?
>I originally was planning to wait until he got settled there but am not sure if he will be mad that I didn’t say something before he left. I don’t want this to keep him here as I don’t want him to be resentful.
Why do you make it sound like it’s your fault? Why should he be resentful? You BOTH made a choice to have sex. You both are consenting adults, and he knows that sex has consequences. Why should you deal with consequences alone? You cannot get pregnant on your own, so those are his consequences, too. Both woman and man are responsible for it.
If I was in this situation, I’d upfront tell him after I get the confirmation from my obgyn. I kinda have a FWB. If he did get me pregnant, I’ll upfrontly tell him even if we didn’t really discuss about what we would do in this situation and we’re not dating. I mean I can’t get pregnant on my own obviously, so it’s his baby too.
I believe that he has rights to know, so he can make a choice. I woulsn’t want to take his choice away. What if he’s like, “why didn’t you tell me before I move away???” Then you’re like, “but I don’t want to use pregnancy to keep you here and sacrifice your dream career.” Maybe He’d be like, “You didn’t give me a chance to make a decision! You took my chance to make a choice away.” It is his decision, not yours, but you can tell him that you’d be fine in here if he still wants to move out. If he wants to stay, then respect his decision and remind him that he can always change his mind about moving later.
Why on earth did you not use protection of you didn’t want a child?!
I would agree to tell him immediately , whether he wants to be a parent from that point will be his decision to make and you can go from there.
Congrats on the bun in the oven, from one mama to another! 💕
Tell him as soon as you can. But do it in a calm and safe way. You know if he freaks out. And discuss what to do from there
You need to update us when you get the results!
Definitely asap & let him know whether or nor you expect anything from him.
My vote is that you tell him as soon as confirmed. Confused as to how this topic never came up if you were not using anything to prevent it from happening?
Wish you both the best.
How tf can people be so careless jfc
Tell him immediately
I (25M) had been in the same situation with my ex-girlfriend exactly a month back. She told me the day her period was 2 days late. Long story short, blood test on day 7 ruled out pregnancy. Her period was just late that cycle.
I was with her since the day she started worrying about being pregnant, right till the day the blood test ruled it out (and even after).
It was a very stressful time for both of us, but I never wish for her to have not told me, even though it turned out to be a false alarm. It was something we did, together. So consequences, if any, should be borne by both, regardless of whether I’m her partner anymore or not.
So my advice to you would just be:
1) Tell him. You should not be the one to withhold this knowledge from him. Even if it’s to protect him. He must know.
I believe he wouldn’t want you to hide this from him.
2) Please visit a OBGY and get a Blood test for beta-HCG levels. Even if it’s faint positive on UPTs, Blood test would clear everything out.
I know the thought of going there seems scary, but trust me, our experience was quite pleasant opposed to what we had been anticipating.
Good luck 🙂
/r/relationship_advice
I’ve worked in family doctor office years ago, even in the 90s, the doctor said that home pregnancy tests are usually accurate. Tell him what’s going on now. Gives him more time to decide
I’m a guy. If I’m in this situation, I would love to have the baby and I would totally cancel the move because family staying together is much more important than a simple job. My wife and I are trying, and I’ve told her don’t wait when she found she’s pregnant, tell me immediately.
I’m confused on why you guys didn’t discuss this possibility if you weren’t preventing.
If he us moving far away without you it doesn’t sound like he is very committed to the relationship. I think you need to decide if he is someone you would want to raise a child with. Possibly doing 50/50 custody. I do believe in being open and honest with partners when they have knocked me up….but I have also found it to be more drama than it’s worth when they don’t want to be a parent and don’t stick around.
Show him this post.
What I mean is be honest. You sound like your intentions are expressly pure. You don’t want to stop him from pursuing his goals, and you didn’t expect this. Let him know exactly what you told us.
Good luck, and congratulations! (If that’s in order) 🙂
Edit to say, tell him before he goes!!! He may be more resentful if you don’t tell him before he leaves.
I’m shocked that you were trying to conceive while also never having a conversation about pregnancy.
If you were not using any kind of contraception, the expected outcome is pregnancy. Very poor communication with your partner.
I’m hoping he didn’t just assume you were on birth control?? Many men assume that is the norm.
Tell him straight away. Being a single mother is hard
Congratulations OP! Hope all goes well with your pregnancy and BF. Wishing you all happiness!
Congratulation and keep us updated.
So, depending on careers, have you thought of moving with him? If his career options are better where he was moving to and yours are about the same then you could move there with him. Assuming, ofc, the blood test comes back positive as well.
… is it weird that I want to see this scenario through…
Well no matter what you definitely didn’t “trap” him, no matter what his decision is. If neither of you were taking active measures to prevent pregnancy- condoms, pulling out, birth control, vasectomy…then this pregnancy/child is his responsibility too. Birth control and childcare should not by default fall onto people who can get pregnant (I know that in most cases it does, but we should be moving away from that)
Soon as you find out, breeder
I’m glad you’re going to tell him. I would love for you to come back and update us. Do you think there’s a chance you would move with him, so the baby can grow up close to both parents?
If it were mine I’d want to know even if it was only an undetermined possibility, but I’m the type of man that supports the mother, and won’t get into situations with people I’m not willing to go there with.
It’s so supremely easy to make that choice, I get pretty upset at people who can’t.
But you do you.