I’m a 27 year old male and this girl I’m dating now is the first time I’ve gone as far as getting fully naked with someone, it took time but I try to break the barrier every time we do it, I have a fear of sexual intimacy and I’m embarrassed to look at her naked or touch her private parts, I’m a chronic overthinker too so I don’t think that helps but it pains me to not be able to enjoy it, I’ve done everything I could for her to orgasm and I think she loves it, I give her a back massage, be patient, press her buttons and then give her what she wants and i love that i can do that for her but I had to tell her I’m not enjoying it because it was bothering me and now she’s hurt which is understandable, the reasons I have come up with are as follows, does anyone think these are realistic or has anyone had the same experience?
Frequent masturbation and porn use
Performance anxiety
Obsessive thinking
SSRIS
In denial over sexuality but not admitting it
Body image issues
4 comments
Therapy is your friend here
I am going to answer your concerns with my experience.
Frequent masturbation and porn use: This is a big factor in having performance anxiety and unrealistic expectations with sex. I would suggest cutting out porn for solo sessions. Watching porn with your partner may help to ease yourself into other acts.
Performance anxiety: This is common among people who watch a lot of porn.
Obsessive thinking: Try changing your environment by turning on some music to distract your mind from overthinking. Take a breath and do a lot of foreplay. You could also try scented candles with lavender or eucalyptus.
SSRIS: SSRIS can cause low libido. Talk to your doctor about this. A possible switch in medicine or the addition of another medicine could help.
In denial over sexuality but not admitting it: Be truthful with yourself is the first step. You should sit down with your partner in a natural setting and discuss this.
Body image issues: Body issues are a normal thing. Try to be positive about your image, and talk with your partner about this.
Finally, I highly suggest talking to a therapist. A therapist is there to help you work through issues. There are Sex Therapists that you can go to with your partner to work through these problems.
I wish you the best of luck
Talk with your partner, tell her how you feel and that you want her help breaking the feelings you are having.
Ask her to guide you on how to touch her. Ask her next time you are both in the moment for her to take your hands and physically guide them over her body. This is a firm of nonverbal consent and helps train your hands to touch her where she wants to be touched.
Also I highly recommend implementing an after care session after you 2 have an intimate moment. After care is where you 2 cuddle or lay together and talk about what just happened, how you both feel, what you both liked, what you both did not and maybe what you both are interested in doing next time. Doing this right after helps build trust, communication and learning of each other. Also it helps process things in your mind.
I hope this helps.
the first time is very exciting, talk to her about it and share your feelings. if you watch porn too often, try virtual sex to get used to your partner as much as possible.