So my husband and my daughter (his step daughter) were play fighting and when he didn’t respond to her saying “Ow that hurts” she kicked him in the nuts. He was so angry he ran at her aggressively yelling but then walked away when I stepped between them.He proceeded to run his mouth about if she ever did it again he would slap her, etc. Then I told him if he put his hands on her he could leave. He said he would leave and take our 1 yr old. He is a SAHD and has no means to support her. I spoke with my 11 yr old and explained how what she did was wrong, hurts, etc. Don’t ever do it again. I’m frustrated by it all. How would you deal with this scenario?
33 comments
I’d put an end to the play fighting; it seems no one can handle it.
Sorry to say, but your husband got what he deserved, & I’d be proud as hell if my daughter defended herself against being hurt. If someone say no or stop or I don’t wanna play anymore, you listen. Anyone, her dad, her uncle, a classmate doesn’t matter.
There is a lot wrong with the way you spelled this out.. but there is probably a lot more going on in your house that lead up to all this .. at least thats my guess..
For example.. I have two boys and we play rough lots of times (they both were wrestlers and both play lacrosse).. one day I was carrying something (both hands occupied) and my middle son kicked me in the nuts.. I about puked.. I did threaten to kick his ass if he ever did it again.. but it was clear to everyone that heard it that I was just reacting in pain and never would follow through.
For your husband to say I would “slap her” .. that just feels different. Granted we have no context in this written message..but Im trying to rationalize it in my head and I would never threaten to hit my daughter (I have one of those too) even if she kicked me in the nuts.
Since this is his step daughter.. I can totally understand why you would say that. I think it would be different if she was his biological child.. not that you wouldn’t still be upset, but I think you would prob not threaten to kick him out.. but I still think he’d be in the wrong.
I’ll end with this.. we don’t know what lead up to the play fighting.. was it 100% all in fun, or was it him exercising play dominance and it escalated.. (not sure that makes sense the way I explained it).. I think you were right to step in.. and if you truly felt your daughter was being threatened then you have more than one issue on your hands, but I think your words were justified
Ummm so your child’s step father didn’t listen and respect her declaring a boundary with her body so she instinctively kicked and his reaction was to charge and threaten to slap her!?! I’m sorry, what!? How do you even look at him the same? Is her dad in the picture? If my child were to tell me that their stepparent did this at the ex’s house I would lose my shit and be rethinking the safety of the custody agreement.
His response is extremely concerning; not going to sugar coat it. He was hurting her which I will assume was unintentional but when she said so & he did not stop, she had to defend herself & whether it was done intentionally or just a natural defensive response, she is not in the wrong. To say that to his step daughter, slap her next time, is absolutely concerning because she didn’t just abuse him, it was in self defense. I’d really watch him & his behavior towards her from here on. Hope all ends up well!
I would leave the husband. If any kid of mine is threatened with harm, that person is immediately removed from the situation. What would he have done had you not stepped in the middle? Would he have slapped her right then?
Your daughter was defending herself physically after her words were ignored. She should not have to apologize for a situation he caused.
Sooo many red flags. Don’t even know where to start but I’ll end with…. I would never make my daughter apologize for kicking the nuts after ANY man hurt her.
If you are going to play with kids you need to be alert and ready for a good ole pop in the nuts, my grandson tries almost every time we play no big deal I just block it from happening, your husband is a crybaby
Unnecessary games leading to Unnecessary consequences. Play games that are creative, educational and entertaining, not something that would tear your marriage and relationships apart.
If I were u idk if I could look at him the same way anymore.
What a dick head. Im sorry
What she did was not wrong. She defended herself from a grown man who continued to touch her after she told him he was hurting her.
It’s not normal or healthy to (1) threaten an 11 year-old with physical violence; or (2) refuse to stop hurting her during “play fighting” in response to her pleas. Both are serious red flags re: his respect for boundaries and tendencies towards violence.
This guy is bad news.
He needs to accept that rough play is rough. I get nutted at least twice daily by my kids it comes with the territory and his response was a gross over reaction and that’s an understatement. I’d be pissed too and if I reacted that way i don’t doubt for a second my wife would kick me out. She’d be right in doing so too
He’s the adult in the room, always. That means it is always his responsibility to stop when he is told to.
If I was bio-dad and heard this story from my daughter I’d be getting a restraining order against you both, taking custody and having her evaluated for sexual abuse.
Are you leaving the husband? He sounds like he’s starting to be abusive. Threatening to take away your baby, threatening to beat your child.
So play fighting shouldn’t be happening, your husband needs to learn not to be so rough with a child that he hurts her and then ignores her when she says she’s hurt. Child shouldn’t be kicking people in the nuts in revenge for being a little too rough either. Neither of them should be engaging in play fighting if they haven’t the maturity levels for it, because I have never in my whole life seen a play fight that didn’t end up a real one lol
Your husbands behaviour afterwards is absolutely disgusting though. Would be great his own child like that? Or does he just think he can treat your daughter however he likes?
They both need to apologise to each other. But given your husbands shocking reaction I’m going to guess he will say daughter doesn’t deserve an apology (he ran at her? Obviously she didn’t kick him very hard if he could run at her like that. If it was a later reaction that actually makes this whole thing worse as he has had time to think!)
As a social worker who also works in a DV womens shelter, a very recurring scenario we see is that if and when there is abuse of any kind when children are present, and you do not report it or remove the children from the abuse, more often than not, you lose temporary custody. In some cases the court will allow you to choose a family member for temporary foster care, however, in the event that the victim does not have court approved family or friends, the children end up in the system. We see this ALL of the time. Protect yourself, protect your children. Report threats of abuse, as well as all forms of abuse every single time. The paper trail is very important.
You can always call a DV shelter (find one in your state) and they can give you info, help, support. You don’t need to seek shelter to call one. Stay safe ♥️
She said “it hurts” and he continued. Child abuse 101. She kicked in the jewels. Self defense 101. Buy that girl an ice cream and tell her to keep it up. Your SO apparently doesn’t understand that bullying is wrong and needs some education. I would have suggested therapy but when he “aggressively” went after his victim, he threw that out the window. He has shown who he is. The mask fell away. Do you really want that around either child?
Until he admits that he was dead wrong on every count and gets anger management classes, he wouldn’t be allowed unsupervised visitation and he doesn’t live here any more.
Hopefully your husband apologized and had a real talk with her- he can’t threaten an 11 year old… anyone can have a bad moment, but he needs to get under control and be the adult
See I creeped your post and comment history.
Your husband and you, based on your comments, have a hard time staying sober. Was he drunk when this incident occurred? Does the bio dad know you have an alcohol problem? Are you taking steps to correct this?
If I were her bio dad, assuming he doesn’t also have an addiction to something, I’d be keeping the kid. Until your house got sorted. I wouldn’t want my daughter being in an unsafe home and that’s what this sounds like.
Your husband hurt her, didn’t listen when she asked him to stop and then got violently mad when she kicked him to get her off of him? Your husband sounds unsafe. You should have stopped it when she asked to stop and he ignored it.
Your daughter communicated how she hurt and your husband ignored her. I understand that play fighting can get intense and people can still get hurt even if it’s not intentional. Which is what happened here. To both of them. However, your husband is the adult in this situation and he completely mishandled it. Him threatening to slap her is unacceptable and his anger needs to be addressed. Again, OF COURSE there will be a gut reaction when dealing with physical pain. It could make anyone say something stupid. But him going as far as threatening to leave with your baby…. just no. This man sounds immature. If it’s a one off event I would discuss boundaries and let him know how badly he fucked up.
I would take his threat seriously and put some things in place to secure your role with your baby.
I was your daughter, but never had the courage to kick my dad in the balls. Instead, he pushed me so I fell on my back, and he towered over me. I went to the park in my neighborhood to get some space. When he and my little brother found me, I was crying on the bench and told him I was afraid of him. This made him angrier, and he told me he would give me something to be afraid of. He then dragged me off of the bench, across the concrete, picked me and up put me in a choke hold, busting open my lip.
To me, it seems good that your husband stopped after being kicked in the balls. If I did that, I’d probably be dead.
Good on you for stopping it. My mom just let this stuff happen. Your daughter will remember that.
This is red flag central. She defended herself and he threatened to hit a child. Wtf.
It sounds like your husband was being a real jerk. He crossed physical boundaries with your daughter by ignoring her when she verbalized discomfort. Then he threatened to take your child from you, which by the way is on every single coercive control wheel in therapy land.
This is weird AF.
I’m a biomom and a bonus mom. My kids are 11 and 10.
If I ever found out my husband was wrestling my 11 year old (his bonus kid), I’d lose my shit. She’s a little bit of a Tom boy, and I can understand that it’s fun, but it’s super inappropriate.
1) this could lead to allegations of sexual abuse.
2) I don’t know any 11 year old girls who are equipped to fight a grown man. Play fighting is still fighting.
3) if she told this story to my ex, I’d be back in court because my ex would be going for emergency custody, as he should.
Your job is to protect your daughter at all costs. You aren’t doing that.
They aren’t “playing”. They are trying to assert dominance, and that’s a huge red flag.
The fighting needs to stop. You need to take a good hard look at the man you’ve invited into your life, and therefore the life of your daughter. Chances are, you’ve had a pretty rough go with her bio dad, and you don’t get along. Chances are, it got worse after this guy came into the picture. That’s probably not because he’s just a douche. It likely has something to do with your new husband…
1) why did he think it was okay to threaten a child?
2) why did he charge at her?
3) if you weren’t there, what would have happened?
4) what happens when you’re not around?
Just my 2¢
Play fighting. Accidents happen. I think he got carried away and especially so when he got kicked in the balls. He’s probably embarrassed by his outburst now, but at the time justified it because he wanted to convey how truly painful it probably was. Sometimes people carry on the argument because they don’t want to admit they were wrong in some regard, embarrassed by their actions and do/say whatever they can to excuse it. It’s their way of proving how serious they are and how much something bothered them. Trying to get their point across. He might as well be saying, “Aknowledgeme me! Aknowledge my pain! Tell her that was bad! Ask if I’m okay! I’m not!”
He needs to apologize to your daughter. Then have a serious talk with her (while you’re present) explaining how that kicking spot is for true emergencies, but he also should have listened when she started showing it was too much. He needs to hurry up and show her he understands she got scared and did what she felt she had to do and that it was okay this time. She’s 11! He’s an adult. Any grown man should be able to gauge if things are going too far. There’s something there that rubs me the wrong way. Him being a SAHD with your 11 year old after this? I would definitely rethink that.
Regarding the aftermath. I’m sure his feelings were hurt because you chose your daughter so swiftly. Didn’t pay much mind to his pain, but instead, jumped in and defended her. And rightfully so. He needs to understand and accept that you’ll always choose your daughter over him. There’s no contest and that should be okay. This was a play fighting scenario that went too far. That’s on you guys for allowing it. This would not have happened otherwise.
He needs to know that threatening you with taking your baby is a hard NO. To NEVER go there again. Does he truly want that to happen? Likely not. So don’t say those words under this roof ever again.
Lastly, if you feel he was dead serious about taking your baby, I would treat that just as seriously. File for divorce and get sole custody asap. Idk where you live, but in my state, if you are divorced and have sole physical custody, it is not legal for the other parent to take your child from you. But if you are married, and there is no court order of custody, it is legal for the other parent to take your child.
Hopefully it was just an outburst and be wasn’t serious.
You married a boy
What she did wasn’t wrong, he was hurting her and wouldn’t stop, she defended herself. She’s 11, it’s time he learned how to be appropriate.
Go back and tell her YOU were wrong, what she did wasn’t bad, and then he needs to shape up or get out.
No more play fighting
He isn’t leaving and a court would keep the child with you because he has no income and no place to stay. What is more troubling is his reaction to getting hit in the nuts. Sure you might get pissed, but you would never lunge at a child nor would you threaten to hit her even after someone steps in. The threat to leave after that was beyond childish. Now I don’t know if he’s a SAHD because he can’t get his shit together and find a job or it’s by a choice the two of you made, but your husband sounds emotionally retarded. He also has temper issues. If you want to keep him around, I think he needs to address his issues in therapy.