Few weeks since break up where she broke up with me at 3am on a night out. Confronted her as to why she was so cold and dismissive to everything I was doing. Wouldn’t speak to me, wouldn’t acknowledge me and then was what I think exchanging numbers with a guy in front of everyone. I had enough and said what is going. She then dumped me
We hadn’t spoken since then and gave each other space. Had a mutual friends bday coming up so decided to be mature and say we’ll be civil until we’re both ready to talk in private.
Went to the party and initially everything was fine, had a few drinks but as I was working the following day I didn’t really have much. She then kept drinking and then started to hit on a guy right in front of me. Was all over him, touching him, kissing him, going away with him to make out, coming back, sitting next to me then going home together.
I didn’t rise to any of it but our mutual friends were apologetic for her behaviour and couldn’t believe what was happening.
Anyway, next couple weeks she proceeded to apologise profusely for her behaviour, blaming alcohol, her drinking problem and that it didn’t reflect on me. She said she cared for me, respected me and I argued actions over words. She would send gift boxes as an apology, long messages stating how sorry I was but recently those messages have now begun to indicate that I’m somehow responsible for how she’s feeling and what she might do
This is what she text
“I’ve apologised and acknowledged what I did was shitty and insensitive. I explained everything going on with the drinking. I haven’t been drunk since that weekend – it really shook me I could get to that state where I’d blacked out and done something like that. I’m really trying but I don’t know what else I can do. I feel like you’re trying to punish me and I just need to know if this is something we can recover from and if you’ll understand that I’m not a perfect person – I lost control, I got drunk and I made a stupid mistake. I’m sorry that I hurt you. But I also can’t keep beating myself up and feeling terrible about myself because that’s the sort of feelings that make me spiral into that sort of behaviour in the first place – I hope you can understand that”
I’m not responsible for her feelings, behaviour or whether she will relapse. Her actions caused that and I have asked for space and time so I can move on and maybe in the future come to some reconciliation
I think the above image isn’t a real apology, it’s deflecting into me, maybe she’s so angry at herself that she’s looking for someone to blame but it feels very hurtful to read and indicates that I could be responsible for her relapsing
What should I do? I obviously care about her but I’m at this moment in time done with her. I will never ever let someone disrespect me like that again and the sheer balls to deflect onto me is hard to take
Any advice would be welcome
TLDR; Ex fucked up twice but is now saying I’m responsible for her feelings/potential relapse
6 comments
She’s your ex and you’re not responsible for anything she does. I wouldn’t even answer her.
“I just need to know if this is something we can recover from”
No. No it isn’t. Block all contact, thank your stars you dodged a bullet when this person broke up with you.
To me, it sounds like she’s doing everything to not hold herself responsible for her own actions, blaming her drinking or “the way you make her feel”. The best thing to do was to cut contact with her to the bare minimum (meaning unavoidable social interactions with mutuals), if any at all.
Nope. She dumped you so she could play the field, now she’s trying to use her drinking as an excuse, and effectively use the threat of her own health to get you back. It wasn’t a real apology. She wasn’t drunk when she was pushing you away, so the breakup wasn’t about the alcohol. She thought she had a better guy lined up, or at least thought playing hookup was more fun, and now misses the stability you provide, but if you take her back, it’s just as her safety net. She’s going to keep looking around.
You aren’t punishing her. You aren’t together. You don’t owe her your attention. Your not withholding it as punishment. She showed you who she is, and you believe her. She’s just not someone you want in your life.
Btw, it sounds like maybe the thing that started this all might have been that she got drunk and cheated (to one degree or another) far more than just giving a guy her number. That’s what started the spiral, and sounds like something she probably isn’t going to confess to either.
Block her and never reply. Even if there had been no reason for the break up her text is manipulative and toxic – same idea as people who threaten self harm if their partner breaks up with them. Do not engage.
If her sobriety is so fragile than it was never up to you to begin with. Don’t cave to manipulation tactics