I worked hard for years. Got into a great university, got good grades. Made a nice network of friends. Got my health together. Learnt about dressing sense. Started getting good haircuts. Wore nice fitting t shirts and jeans. Had a good hygienic lifestyle . Got a great job and now got my own house. I even built a startup in the middle somehow. We are talking about a good decade of work folks. Pretty good right ? All this time I was not actively chasing the dating life. I was just meeting and interacting with people as they came.
And then BAM !!! … nothing at all happened. I’m a 30 year old guy who hasn’t even gone on a single date his whole life. Just wanted to say that the “work on yourself and live a good life and things happen ” is complete bullcrap … at-least for some people. Also, I didn’t do all this just to attract women. But it’s pretty logical to have some expectations when you work hard. It’s a lot about factors you don’t really control. Things in life are a LOT more random than people claim to admit. Hope you guys “working on yourself” have better luck !
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Agreed, specially as a woman it is worthless, lots of men are perfectly happy and even more confortable with women not as successful as them. I do it for myself, if I did stuff thinking about men I would be dieting, obsessed with instagram and shopping not working, studying and travelling.
The main point I take away from this advice is that – after you’ve worked on yourself you’ll still be single but you’ll be less sad about it. Still lonely, but at least distracted.
If you aren’t actively chasing a dating life then you aren’t going to have one.
Maybe try actively dating?
Question/s…do you live in an area with low dating options? Do you use apps or do you try IRL? I only ask because it surprises me that you haven’t had a single date unless you are not wanting one or trying.
Dating is also a skill you need to learn
The hidden subtext of that advice is you also need to to work on your interpersonal skills with women, how to talk to them, how and when to escalate, how to to build attraction. Not saying you should learn to be a fuckboy unless you especially want to but unless you want to watch the few opportunities you get slip through your fingers these are things you need to work on.
i’ll probably get a bit of hate for this but dating, like everything else, is a skill. And relationships require work.
This is a good post because a lot of people are thinking the same thing.
How can one “work on yourself” to be attractive to others?
Unfortunately, things like haircuts, going to gym, getting a high paying job or starting a business are examples of things that make you *minorly* more attractive to people and able to form a connection.
If you want to form relationships in a *major* way, then you have to be in a position where another person is interested and cares about what you say and do – and vice versa. So how can you do that? There’s only one way: through intellectual pursuit of something meaningful. That doesn’t mean sit and read books until your eyes pop out. In your life, what are you doing that’s meaningful? What issues do you care about and how are you acting on them?
The “self improvement” that leads to fulfillment isn’t fitness or owning a house. It’s improving your ability to intellectually approach important issues. It’s improving your understanding of the world. It’s focusing on your character- who you are and aspire to be. Becoming morally and intellectually sophisticated puts you in a position where you are able to sell what someone else would want to buy. It makes you interesting and other people will care
I don’t understand the resentment?
You worked hard and you have a solid career and social life because you were intentional about that… why would you expect dates without the same intentions?
So which of the things you did to improve yourself makes you entertaining to be around? Makes you a good conversationalist? Means that you can make women laugh?
>But it’s pretty logical to have some expectations when you work hard.
Therein lies your problem. Nobody cares how hard you work in the beginning. I think you actually have two separate problems:
1. Stop expecting anything. Nobody owes you. My best success (35M) was when I stopped having expectations, and just started treating dating as opportunities for good stories or adventures. Make *the process* fun. That way it’s a good time whether it works out or not.
2. You still have to actually go out and interact with people. This is two parts: making time specifically for it, and actually interacting when you are out. This means that you will actually have to talk to new people! You can’t expect people to come to you (especially as a guy). Put on a smile and start gabbing with people.
> Just wanted to say that the “work on yourself and live a good life and things happen ” is complete bullcrap
I found the same to be true! Dating successfully is no different than succeeding in all other aspects of your life. It takes constant work and recalibration and adjustments. So just treat it like like work, and you’ll get the results you’re looking for.
Uh no.. you didn’t add socializing to your list of to do things. It’s fine though, you can fix that still but it’s going to be hard considering your standards look high. At least you don’t have to worry about $ or depending on others.
Like anything, if you don’t put some real effort and time into it… it usually means Shiite results but you can cry in your lambo and mansion tho lol
you need to talk to girls to pull girls my dude
Working on yourself helps you get confidence (hopefully), and helps you to get a circle of friends or at least, places to go where finding people is possible.
And being a better person (hopefully) helps you to keep a partner when you find one.
You still have to go out and ask people out.
Gotta get work on your social skills bud. You’ve got your professionalism stats all the way up, but obviously lacking in dating and socializing skills.
That’s fine, just approach it the same way you have for everything else. You’ve got to hone and learn skills that will get you the ultimate prize. Learn how to talk to women and you’ll see it will get better and you’ll start to rack up dates easier
“But it’s pretty logical to have some expectations when you work hard.”
– What were these expectations? That hoards of women will fall over themselves and fight each other to earn the right to date the you that you worked hard on for years (cue highlander music)?
I mean in a multitude of universes out there there might be one where that happens but not in this one.
The odds of randomness giving you the life you want is a myth in itself found mostly in old Disney movies and present day rom-coms. Get back to basics – Seek and ye shall find.
You need to get out there. I know it sound cliche but I came across to this same problem a few months ago. I’m a 25 year old woman, a lawyer, do great prefessionally and I can safely say I am 8/10. And I have never had a boyfriend nor ever fallen in love. It took things into matter and started tracking why do I feel somehow not accomplished personally rather how I feel about my accomplishments professionally. It turns out I have been putting my personal life on hold while I was struggling with work and school. So now I’m going to the gym (it’s good for your body and you can meet a lot of nice people there) been saying yes instead of no and I have been taking myself on dates! I am no expert but sometimes getting outside your confort zone helps. You are already a great catch, you seem responsible and nice. If you get out there and treat women nice and with respect, it’s gonna be only uphill for you from now on!
well, having no education, having no friends, being in ill health, dressing like you got no style, having crappy hair, being unhygenic, having no job, having no house, accomplishing nothing… at the age of 30… I dunno… sounds like that’d be worse.
Question is, would you trade all of that for a partner?
My guy. Good job to you working on yourself. But just because you do that, doesn’t mean women will be throwing themselves at you. Being a guy with good sense of fashion, a job, etc just gets you in the door, and leaves a greater chance for that door with women to be left open lol. And remember, you could have all the money, looks, and quantitative things in your life, but if you don’t work on the qualitative aspects, such as how to properly talk and flirt with girls, then it doesn’t matter how good you look or how good of a career you have.
Of course is crap those are just meant to be feel good words and nothing else
The takeaway I get from reading your post is actually that you have to put more effort into that area of your life (dating and meeting women and meeting women with the intention of dating). Sounds like you’re doing incredible in every other area. Get out there champ
Did you meet women and screw things up with them, or did you just not meet women during that time?
It’s actually not as random as you make it out to be. All of those things you’ve improved about yourself are great but if you can’t carry a conversation and seal the deal with a woman (ask her out, get her number, follow through) then they remain irrelevant to your dating life. Interpersonal skills are EVERYTHING in the beginning stages of dating, and they are also one of the hardest things to develop if you don’t already have some working ability in that area. If you aren’t fun and interesting to talk to, if you can’t make a woman laugh and feel good, if you aren’t willing or able to express interest and create opportunities to pursue, then women simply are not gonna give a crap about all your accomplishments or newfound dress sense.