– do y’all think there are REASONS for kinks? Or they just ..are?
– anyone with a domineering kink, like wanting to do the choking, biting, slapping, etc — what kind of feeling does this give you? I want to understand from your perspective
– anyone with sexual trauma: I am newly sleeping with someone who is into this kind of sex, and I’m surprisingly into it so far and do feel comfortable talking about boundaries as we go, but I haven’t told him about some pretty severe sexual violence from my past. when and how should this conversation come up? How do you find that your traumas shaped your bedroom preferences?
Context: we have only been seeing each other/sleeping together two weeks.
4 comments
I don’t know if there’s specific trauma behind it, but I have a *lot* of issues around self esteem.
I think I also have a bit of a voyeurism/exhibitionism kink, which I think comes from that.
I’m a sex educator who’s written a book on kink, and am a long-time kinkster as well as a survivor of childhood emotional abuse.
From the research I’ve seen, kinks can “come from” a lot of different places, and in most cases we don’t really know where they came from or why (as with any other kind of sexual orientation, it may just be hard-wired to some extent).
The important thing is to be aware of your triggers (if possible) and communicate openly with your partner about them. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing kink as a trauma survivor, or even with doing kink that relates to your trauma(s), but you have to do it in a way that is conscientious, and ideally only with partners you trust to take care of you if you get triggered/upset/etc.
Make sure you have a safeword, or even a safeword system (e.g. red/yellow/green) and that your partner is checking in on you at a frequency that feels appropriate for you.
I am way into bdsm and no trauma in my life 🤷♀️
>how kink and trauma correlate
I think this is some correlation, but some people, especially vanilla people, really like to paint kinksters with this broad brush. Their argument is that kinky people clearly have had trauma and they should get help, not engage in “unhealthy sexual activities” (kinks).
One time I pointed out that I love BDSM and rough sex but I have not experienced any trauma, someone replied that I could very well have had trauma but not remember it.
Lol.
I recently went back to school so I have access to a university database, and I looked up some statistics. From the way some vanilla people say it, you’d think 90% of kinksters have had trauma or something. But the statistics is nowhere near as significant.