Married for 2.5 years, no kids. Long distance 1st year, 2nd year lived together on and off when we both were working full time and we just moved to a new state and I took 8 months break from work due to loss of my work visa. The 2nd year we lived together we did most chores together because we didn’t have a social life during the pandemic. We moved mainly because of husband’s new job.
The last 8 months I took on 80% of house-chores while interviewing with companies, navigating immigration and applying for master’s + studying for GMAT and stuff. I bought stuff and decorated the home. We have a pretty good social life here so we host people too. My schedule was flexible so it worked out. We also lived mainly on his paycheck. We still haven’t discussed how our finances will work together.
Now that I’m starting both work and study next month, Idk how to get back to this fair split of chores. The dynamic has changed so much. Previously I would have to ask him to do chores. But now he tells me to do chores before leaving for work, doesn’t do chores if it’s right in front of him, keeps asking where’s this that if I ask him to do something, complains if a chore isn’t done or properly done. With the incoming workload, I need him to own responsibilities and I don’t see any of that. And tbh, I’m just very frustrated with this attitude. I’m a very ambitious woman and hate doing chores but I took on the work because I didn’t have a “job” and he started a new job in a new place. I created a list of chores that we need to do this week and casually said how we need to talk about it and he said “ok project manager” in a dismissive way. That list is still on the table. Kitchen not clean, dishes piling up on the sink, he hasn’t put back produce he took out from fridge in the morning, yada yada. Honestly I don’t feel like doing anything until he comes back to talk. I’m travelling for a month in like 5 days so he’ll have to do something about all that anyway lol i feel so evil 😫
Also, we recently visited his guy friends’ (married) places and I’m just so surprised at how much their guy friends pitch in for house chores like they don’t even have to be told. I’m jealous and so sad about it and maybe acting out a bit too but Idk how to fix all this and I’m just tired
2 comments
You can fix this by talking about it. You should definitely sit down and discuss what you both think is a fair contribution financially and in terms of chores. It’s not fair for you to do 80% of the chores, but he may not realize it’s come to that. Talk it out and come up with something fair.
Sit down together and make a list. Down to ’empty the bathroom trash’. Then you reach pick one you absolutely hate to do.
I’m my case, it’s washing the dishes, not drying and put away, just washing. So my husband has taken that on for the most part. He hates folding clothes. I think he’d rather burn them then fold them. So I fold clothes. And down the list you go. Since the worst one is out of the way, it makes the others seem less annoying. If he hates how you you tidy the counters, that needs to go on his list, if you have to have the bathroom a certain way, maybe more of those chores you take on it while he does the dusting in the main living area. You want to play to your strengths and the goal should be to make each other’s life easier.
This also helps if you tally up before hand how much time each week you both are willing to devote to housework. If you only have 6hrs and he has more, can you both do 6 and get it all handled? Is 12 hrs enough to clean the whole place and handle grocery shopping? If you both know that it only takes 3 hrs on Saturday with both of you to get the whole house back in order, and 20 minutes every evening, could that work? Have realistic time expectations- the only chore that should have a firm planned time is taking the trash to the curb. If he likes doing everything all at once, but you like to do a little at a time, make sure the chores line up with that- loading the dishwasher is usually fast but it happens every day. Sweeping and washing the floor takes a bit of time but doesn’t need done every day. Are you both ok knowing that certain weeks out if the year you will have to devote extra time to school so he will have to pick up the slack? If he’s traveling for work is he ok with knowing you both may have to spend a bit if extra time that weekend getting things back in order?
The main thing with any of this is that he has too be on board too.