For example, they say something along the lines of “I like to draw.” Then I come in and say “Oh i like to draw too! I draw all sorts of stuff…” etc. And then i feel like it gets into a whole tangent about me instead of their experience. How do i stop that?

34 comments

  1. “Oh I like to draw too! I draw all sorts of stuff, what kind of art do you do?” Just always redirect with a question showing interest.

  2. Why not just let them be in the spotlight? Just be honest, if you don’t like to draw say so, but keep it focused on them.

  4. I also have a bad habit of relating stories to myself and I’m just recently learning that that offends some people.

    I don’t feel like I’m “stealing the spotlight.” I’m just trying to keep the conversation going. I usually end it with a follow up question so they can continue talking and I’m careful not to interrupt. With my best friends/family the conversation flows smoothly this way. You talk, I talk. However I find that some people actually just want to sit there at talk *at* me and will be put off by me, “derailing” their story.

    In those cases you’re supposed to just say, “oh really?.. that’s crazy.. yeah I get that!… So not okay… Wow that’s great!.. omg that’s so weird..” etc, while they just prattle on. It’s tedious, honestly. Like I’m your friend/acquaintance, not your diary.

  5. If you aren’t interested its really hard to fake interest. You have to actually be interested or curious. Its okay to talk about yourself and make it about you, as long as you are talking roughly half the time. The other half should be them talking and you asking questions out of genuine curiosity.

  6. If you don’t want to make it about you—don’t make about you. Them: “I like to draw” you: “tell me more about that ” or you can simply say “you like to draw? —pause” they will go into more detail. Most people like talking about themselves if you create space.

  8. Open up the conversation by asking open questions. If you are really interested just ask about what they are taking about. There is one thing, being interested and listening means letting them do the talking. It is good to share similarities with your life to create and maintain rapport, just don’t shift it to you. You might be interested in looking up the topics active listening, mirroring and building rapport. Social science and psychology have been looking at this sort of thing for a long time.

  9. You just stop. That’s all. Make a conscious effort to break the habit. Instead, ask them questions about it. You can mention yourself, but make it more about them. Say, “Oh do you? I do too. What sorts of things do you draw? How long have you been drawing? I’d love to see some of your drawings. Things like that.

  10. Ask questions that allow them to go into detail. “What type of stuff do you like to draw?” “What is it about *subject* that speaks to you?” “Do you have a favorite project you’ve done?” “Tell me more about that!”
    Ideally, you’re trying to get a sense of what excites this person and how they enjoy spending their emotional energy. Letting people geek out a little bit is a good way to bond.

  11. You’re not putting yourself in their shoes the way you think you are — you’re telling them about your shoes that look like theirs. What would it be to actually be curious about their shoes? “I like to draw.” “Cool — what sorts of things do you draw?” or something.

  12. Saying “I’ve never been there but I think this….” and just be passionate about what they are talking about! Don’t force it, if you are not interested and pretend that you are they might notice 😮

  13. Ask a follow up question “what do u draw” “when did u start doing that”

    Let ppl talk about themselves for while, then talk about urself to give them a break. Not letting them express themselves before u interject makes u seem like u only wanna talk about urself

  15. Look up motivational interviewing, here’s a skill you can use.

    OARS

    Open ended question (not yes/ no)
    Affirmation (someone shows you a picture they drew and you say wow you must be talented!)
    Restate (use the person’s words back at them with a? And that prompts more info.)
    Summarize (in your words say what they said, can be used for clarification/ showing listening, can add insight here)

  18. Try reading the book “How to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie. The biggest takeaway is that people love to talk about themselves, and how to direct the conversation towards the other person.

    I have high-function autism and until I read this book, I had no ability to have an engaging conversation with another person. I can honestly say it’s changed nearly every social interaction I’ve had since I’ve read it!

  19. I know what you mean.

    And there’s seemingly nothing you can do to stop it?
    Well the only advise I can give you is not to give up trying to communicate like I have.
    It was super hard doing all the lockdowns alone,whilst trying to get over ex but with literally nothing to take my mind off it and ‘move on’…. 2.something years later(different hellhole slumlord place) and I even had to give up where I lived because it wasn’t a quality of life that I could put up with. Existing in a bedroom only next door to a crack head/dealer left me on egg shells and unable to sleep during the evening,I was getting up at like 8 pm and the cycle continued until I had enough and left.
    Been homeless since a week before Xmas.
    For the last two nights I’ve came ‘home’ and all my stuff had been ransacked by the class A users. I do smoke weed but that’s that.

    Anyway-I’ve done exactly what you say you do haven’t I ??!!! Lol.

    Seriously though get some advise or YouTube possible personality traits like yours.
    Just don’t hide from the world.

    It doesn’t work

  20. You could also say “what’s your favorite aspect of drawing? I like the feeling of my pencil dragging across the paper”(sensory perception)

    Or

    “what do you draw? Where does the passion come from? I like to draw sea animals because I think the ocean is beautiful”

    I try to convey genuine curiosity and interest in what the person I’m talking to has an interest in. And express what I like very briefly at the tail end of the questions.

  21. What helps me is understanding that when someone says “I like drawing”, it’s not a conversation about me or the other person – it’s a conversation about drawing.

    The questions come naturally at that point. What do you use? “I draw digital” – Now its a conversation about drawing digital.

    As a hobby or is it a source of income? “It started as a hobby, but I started getting commissioned about 8 years ago and its been my primary source of income since.” – Now it’s a conversation about drawing digital for a living.

    What kind of stuff do you draw? “I do characters” – Now it’s a conversation about drawing digital characters under commission for a living.

    You can go anywhere from there. Surprising trends, fulfillment, inspiration, plagiarism, the clientele — if you like drawing too, then all that stuff is relevant.

  22. While learning how to act human, I discovered that any “normal human ™️“ response is either one of the below or, ideally, a combination:

    • Question, e.g. “what do you draw?”

    • Compliment, eg. “that’s so cool!”

    • Statement, e.g. “good for you! drawing is such a creative stress reliever.”

    • Story, e.g. “I draw too!”

    1&2 are the most likable responses. 3&4 work too, but in moderation. Any one of them can be excessive. Everyone likes a compliment, but if your response to everything is a compliment you’ll come off as insincere. If you’re just questioning them and offering no commentary or anecdotes of your own, they’ll think it’s an interrogation and get fed up, and if you do the opposite you’ll be seen as self-centered. Balance is key.

  23. What kind of things do you like to draw? How long have you had this hobby? Inspired by any other artists? Favourite genre like surrealism or rococo? Other kind of art you’re interested in?

    In a natural conversation each one of these could branch off into different things, which in turn branches off even further.

    They could like to draw animals or a specific animal. That opens up more possible topics of interest. Maybe they like to draw religious imagery. That can lead to philosophy & belief.

    It’s easy to fall into the trap of talking about yourself a lot. I do the same thing.
    But so long as the other person gets to talk about themself a lot also it’s golden.

  24. Just breathe, notice your breathing, remember to stay centered in yourself as much as possible, and be compassionate with yourself when you forget and fall back to your old patterns.

  25. take a mental breath before you speak and then ask them what they like about drawing.

  26. I’m bad for doing exactly this too. I try to keep it short and like another commenter said I redirect. Sometimes I completely skip the “I like it too” and go straight for the “What tools do you like to use?” “Have you heard of *insert artist name *”

  27. You can agree with them, and say you also enjoy art, but then follow up with a question for them, such as what kind of art do they enjoy creating, and then follow up with further questions. Just always redirect back to them.

  28. I think placing myself in their shoes in a validating way rather than snatching spotlight way seems to make them feel comfortable talking more. Like going back to office, ohhh I know right, the extra time taken to travel feels tedious now.. and it makes them feel like they are not alone? I prefer to listen to them talk rather than talking about myself anyway. So I guess the genuine interest makes a difference.

  29. You can offer statements in response such as, “oh I like drawing too!” But that should be followed by a question that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no answer such as, “what types of things do you draw?”

  31. Ask what subject they like drawing. Ask who is the artist that most inspires them. What brand of paper do they prefer. Do they draw monochrome or color.

    That way you’re showing interest in them and will sound somewhat knowledgeable which my lead them to ask about you.

  32. It’s OK to relate to someone, it tells them that you are on the same page, or they don’t need to explain any basics to you cause you are already there.

    The trick is to direct the conversation straight back to them with an exploratory question aimed to get them to build on what they said, now with the understanding of your familiarity with the topic in mind.

  33. First of all, it’s great that you actually have related experiences to share.

    Then next is about knowing how to pass the ball back to them.

    Tons of questions you can use.

    * What got you into art?
    * What type of art do you do?
    * Can you show me some of your artwork?
    * Are you self taught or do you learn from someone?
    * What other hobbies do you have apart from art?
    * Which artists do you like the best?
    * Have you thought of converting your drawings into NFTs?

  34. Ow yeah I know the struggle, best options in this case is something like:

    “I like to draw.”

    “Oh i like to draw too! what do you draw?” and then let the other person talk about it and share your opinions on their things and then you talk about youself when being asked.

    If the ”and you?## question does not comes up you can ask something like:

    ”Do you mind if I show some of mine and tell me your opinion on them”

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