Hi everyone. I just have been going through a very tough time. This is my first Reddit post so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do but I’d really appreciate some advice.
About a month ago, my boyfriend (26) of almost a year (talking for 2) found out his cancer came back. Despite me wanting to work things out and be his support, he vehemently denied my requests and broke up with me (23). He said we could still be friends but has been very isolated and has made it clear whenever I do reach out that he wants to be left alone.
I know I can’t force him to love me or take me back, or even to have me as a friend even though I know we love each other very much. But I’m having difficulty dealing with so many emotions about this.
Does anyone have any advice how I can start to heal from this? Or how I might help support my ex from a distance since he won’t let me be by his side?
Thank you in advance.
22 comments
Why did he dump you?
Sounds like his way of coping with this. I believe he finds it easier to push away those he loves so he does not feel regret about what the possible outcomes are. I would assume he is dealing with a lot and this is his way of coming to grips. I would recommend being patient with him, sounds like a lot of stress. Honestly, I would reach out to his family and just try to be there as much as you can even though he says he does not want to. It’s a self defense mechanism and I would understand his reasoning. Kind of a tough spot to be in, but deep down he wants to accept your love he just is rationalizing things.
I can understand him. Because I tend to be the same when I’m going thru health issues or other difficulties. I prefer to isolate myself because I need time to process and think about it. Solitude makes me feel better in those rough times. And too much people caring about me makes me feel smothered
Cancer is obviously very life changing and affect every aspect of your life. Physically and mentally. You kind of question your whole life and future. He has been through it before , so I guess he knows what kind of support he needs or how to protect himself or others from the consequences.
I think he does not want to be a burden for anyone too.
I suggest to respect his decision. Even though you want to do good by supporting him. Just do the bare minimum by checking on him, no need to shower him with texts or show up to the hospital or a his house if you’r not invited to. It can make him uncomfortable.
It’s not uncommon for people to withdraw from all of their relationships when going through this. Especially if they’re terminal. They just don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with both their emotions as well as the emotions of everyone around them. I’m sorry, but I think you need to respect his wishes on this one.
He doesnt want to hurt you. In his head hes protecting you
I’ve had cancer, and while I was in a long term serious relationship that I didn’t end I still needed time to process it on my own. Listen to him and give him the space he’s asked for. You can still reach out but very sparingly. Maybe seek counselling to navigate your emotions.
If you really just love him, be there for him even when he doesnt want to be bothered. Terminal illness isn’t something many people know about, but everyone knows isolation. Sometimes sick dogs will isolate themselves to protect against predators, but they really just want a safe place. Try to be his safe place
I’m sorry you are going through this but it seems this is how your boyfriends deals with his diagnosis. Give him space and do what he asks of you, don’t try to force a relationship on him. He might just need to do this his way. You will heal from this but you need to step away and start anew.
Sorry op, I would probably do the same thing if I found out I had a brain tumor. Some people don’t like to bring others along when they know how bad it will be. I think it’s safe to assume he does care for you very much and doesn’t want to be a source of pain in your life.
I mean… if there was ever a situation where someone could fairly say “It’s not you, it’s _____”, feels like this is it.
It could easily be that he simply doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with the cancer treatment and the possibility (likelihood?) of what it means to be facing death in his 20s, *and* also deal with the emotional stress of maintaining a healthy relationship and dealing with the grief that you’re naturally going to be suffering as well.
There’s a level where this is in part a noble thing of not wanting you to have to suffer it with him, but there’s also a level where this can be a completely selfish thing where he honestly needs to focus on his own feelings right now (and perhaps also knows how many relationships end up in a slow-motion death spiral in these kind of situations, and would rather end things while times are good).
… and, hey, if you’re not entitled to make a few selfish decisions while you’re dying of cancer, when are you?
The only real thoughts I’d have would be:
Just because he feels like this now doesn’t mean he’s going to feel this way next week. Grief is a process, and just because he needs to shut down and isolate from the world now doesn’t mean he’s always going to feel that way.
If the issue is that he’s emotionally overwhelmed right now, then the answer that’s best for him is to walk a narrow line, making sure he knows that he hasn’t closed doors for good, and that you’ll be there for him if he needs support, but also not being *so* present that he needs to manage you as well.
… of course, the issue you need to decide is whether that’s the right answer *for you*, because while putting your life on hold and being ready to be there for him if he changes his mind might be what’s best for him, it might be that having a good cry and then moving on with your life is what’s best for you, and only you can decide how to balance things.
Someone isolating themselves when they get a diagnosis like this is normal. It’s not about you. It’s not about the strength of your relationship.
I’ve seen 50 year+ marriages, in which both of them were in love to the day they died… but where, when the husband got a terminal cancer diagnosis, it took literal months for him to deal with those emotions and to stop isolating himself from even the people he loved.
He doesn’t want to put you through his misery and he wants you to remember him as he was. Not someone slowly wasting away. Not someone you may not even recognize by the end. I think there is some nobility in the thought of wanting to protect you from difficult memories. But it completely disregards your feelings. And you are the one who will have to live onward with this pain while he disappears.
I think the only thing you can do is express to him how important he is to you and that if such a beautiful story ended in such a cold and distant way, you would never get closure and you would have a difficult time moving forward with your life. Let him know that by rejecting you now, he is forcing you to lose him twice and that is so much more painful than the situation life has already dealt for you two.
Think of it like an animal or cat. They go off and isolate when hurt, sick, or dying to protect themselves. They don’t want us to see ‘em down. Maybe give him some space and just support from afar.
Tbvh, thats what id do too. I wouldn’t want the people i love to suffer by seeing me suffer. And maybe by breaking up and pushing you away hes trying to protect you, or just himself. Selfish? Yes. Misguided? Maybe. But not outlandish
Aw, that is really tragic. I’m sorry for you. To be honest, the horrors of the cancer sickroom seen from a caregiver’s perspective are deeply traumatizing. He is hoping to spare you. Is there anyone in his family who might be willing to keep you updated?
Speaking as someone who is dealing with life altering issues, I understand his thinking. I’ve been with my husband since I was 14 he was 16. I’m now 50 yrs old and in poor health, everyday I wish he could have “more” in his life. I feel like a burden but he would be mortified if he knew I thought that. I keep quiet about how much it pains me to see him not experiencing a full and fun carefree life. He doesn’t want you to suffer but it’s not a sacrifice to him, it’s as much for him as you. He doesn’t want the burden of dragging your life down. I’m probably projecting but I suspect some of my comments have some truth to them as it relates to yours. Good luck and best thoughts to you both.
Let me just say that his cancer returning most likely made him feel like he has no control over his life. If you refuse to leave him alone (bad, bad idea) he has lost more control of his life. He has said he doesn’t want you with him, please respect his wishes. Perhaps you could send a text every so often wishing him well(like every 4-6 weeks).. But please allow him to have what control he still has.
This is extremely sad and heartbreaking, im sorry for you. Cant belive there are fucking 18 years old posting in the same sub about genders and nonbinary shit. Makes my blood boil.
Sorry to hear it . Do you know what kind and stage of cancer he is? He loves you so much so perhaps he doesn’t want you to go through hard time . I am also in a stage of investigation of cancer at the moment. I feel low and scared . I don’t want my bf to go through with me if it confirms cancer. What you can do is that let him know that you are there for him and wait for him always. You love him a lot . I think that will mean a lot for him and I am sure that he will reach out to you when he is ready emotionally. Hope this helps x
Hey, as someone who had cancer.
I can say I’d probably do the same with someone I love very much too.
Because cancer isn’t always about what it does to you/him/me as a person or the effects it has on us. But it also affects the people we love around us. It’s so much to go through.
Honestly go to him. If you really love him, He needs your love now more than ever. Tell him to shut his pie hole and that he’ll pull through all off it and your gonna be beside him every step of the way if he likes it or not.
Trust me, has someone who had the shitty thing. You push away the people you love the most because you don’t want them to the misery that comes with it.
I hope he whoops it’s fucking ass! Regardless if you go back or don’t. It’s up to you.
He doesn’t want you to fall madly in love and suffer the loss when he passes. He thinks he is protecting you. He is certain he is destined to die because it came back. If you want him you have to let him know you are prepared to be with him through all of it and it’s your choice too.
He doesn’t want you to bring new burden for him. He feels it’s unfair because you are new to relationship with him. Also he may feel it’s not your job to take care of him. Even after dating of *almost* one year. I mean he doesn’t want you talking to doctors, nurses, filling out files, carrying information around, bringing stuffs, etc while you are just newly shy girlfriend and you don’t know him very well. He said he wants to friends with you. Respect him. Be there for him as friends. Keep your emotions to yourself.
good for him