My Hinge.
Personalized video to give you idea of what I’m like.
I live about 20 minutes south of the big city of Seattle, but have never had a girlfriend before. Mostly just because I was a late bloomer and never really had any experience or confidence. Once I actually started to improve myself mentally, physically and socially and start trying to actually date (around age 26), the pandemic hit and all of a sudden I’m turning 31 in a month without ever coming close to any sort of long-term dating let alone a healthy relationship, which is what I’m looking for.
Not only is Seattle known for the being the absolute hardest city to make friends and meet people, (the Seattle freeze is real) but throw in the fact that all my hobbies and work environments are male oriented…I feel like I’m going to die alone. This year I’ve been on 1 whole date and last year only got 2 which seems sad that’s all I can do. My women friends keep telling me I’m very attractive and a catch, but that never seems to translate to dates. I never even have women show any signals they’re interested while I’m out like with a smile, wave, or eye contact…nothing. Just the other day in fact I was walking down the street just smiling and got scowled at by someone for no reason. 🤷🏽♂️
I feel as if I’ve tried absolutely everything to put myself out there: from dating apps (which feel fruitless as a 5’8 person of color. I’ve had my profiles reviewed countless times by women friends and here on Reddit and everyone says I should be swimming in matches, but sadly I don’t and can go weeks without even a single like or match.)
I’ve tried Facebook groups, meetup groups on meetup.com, the gym, hiking, spontaneous trips to parks and museums…nothing seems to work for me. Ideally I like to meet someone organically by bonding over a common interest, but whenever I go hiking or do stuff like bouldering, everyone is always already with someone, not single or simply look at me like an alien or something meaning not interested. I’m not big into bars or clubs and the times I have gone to them, it was mostly an early 40s/50s crowd anyways.
The last method I’ve tried recently is just asking friends to see if they have someone they could set me up with. Basically all their responses were the same, “I don’t really have any single friends.” What I’ve come to learn is that people already in relationships seldom ever have friends that also aren’t already in relationships; especially at my age group. For example I went to a 4th of July party I was invited to. Out of about 40+ people there, I was the only person not with a partner. You can only imagine how that made me feel when everyone was cuddling up to watch the fireworks together and I was just standing in the back alone.
I don’t know what else to do. Moving is absolutely not a feasible option for me at this time, **but does anyone here have something in mind I haven’t thought of yet maybe** Suffice to say that I have been able to make a couple guy friends, but that’s about it.
There’s nothing wrong with me; I’m not socially awkward and I know how to flirt and hold a conversation. My issue I think is that I’m never in environments or situations to meet women so they don’t know I exist. I’m also not ignorant to the fact I’m a niche dude and I won’t be a lot of peoples type; but I just want to be a normal man and have a healthy dating life, but 2 dates a year is really killing my self-esteem and making me feel like I’m no one’s type. Even on the apps, I swipe on tons of women and I’d like to say 98% of my likes are never a match. I don’t go for Instagram models and definitely have realistic expectations. All I’m looking for is someone who’s a good mixture of outdoorsy and indoorsy like me and has a good sense of humor. You’d think I was asking to be put on a waiting list for a heart transplant or something.
EDIT: One last thing I’ll recognize is the fact I don’t look my age. I get this a lot, almost on a daily basis when I talk to people and they’re blown away when they ask my age. They usually never guess older than 20 or 21. So imagine when I try to approach a woman my age I’m interested in, she looks at me and thinks I’m just a kid and I don’t get taken seriously.
41 comments
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I’ve sent you a like on Hinge and never got a match, so I’m assuming you’re just having the problem of not being into the people that like you and not the problem of “no one likes me”. It’s pretty normal unfortunately.
42/F from Portland here, and mystified you don’t have more matches! This is *just* me, so take it with a grain of salt – but I’m not sure I see what your interests/hobbies are, at least at first glance. But I’m somebody who really likes shared interests/activities and finds them good talking points.
You say that you’re “looking for someone who’s a good mixture of indoors and outdoorsy like me,” and that helps me a lot right there. Maybe others will chime in? But yeah, I agree with your friends, you should have a wealth of options!
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The dog park or yoga classes. Of course the first would require you to have a dog (assuming you don’t want it to be weird) and the second would require you to have a body (I didn’t look at your profile but I’m assuming you have a body).
I’m reaching on a lot of these, so don’t take any of these the wrong way.
What do you have down for politics? Even outside of the city, I figure you probably need to be somewhere on the left to have much success.
I would remove the “to get off this app” part. It might sound a bit negative.
Maybe swap the shirtless photo? It seems like an non-obnoxious one to me, but I’m not your target audience. Maybe that + the bowling celly has women thinking you’re a bit cocky?
It definitely could be the age thing. Your profile has a real casual, chill guy vibe to me and that might make women mistrust the “looking for long term relationship”. You’re corporate at AT&T, so maybe you have some shots of you looking professional? (don’t use the corporate head shot types of photos though)
You say bars aren’t your thing, did you put down no for drinking?
What exactly do you mean by “niche dude”? It looks a lot like what I’d expect most PNW dude’s profiles to look like.
How often are you saying yes to a profile? We’re in a similar area and my rate was probably 1 in 4.
Hmmmm. I used to live in Seattle.
People usually set up a narrow geographic radius, so Seattle people are probably NOT seeing you in their feed. They can’t even consider you, if you don’t show up. I could be wrong, but Tacoma seems more family oriented, so the dating pool is smaller there.
Do you work in Seattle by any chance? Not sure how you feel about this, but you could try changing your “home” to Downtown Seattle or wherever work is. And write in the prompt that you live/own in Tacoma but spend most of your time in Seattle. If anyone has a problem with that, they can just swipe left. That should at least widen the pool…
Can’t offer you any advice beyond what you’ve already said, as you seem to have a firm grasp on both your situation and what to do about it. Just here to commiserate with you. You have a solid dating profile, for what it’s worth!
32F here. Currently SoCal, formerly Seattle. I can confirm the Seattle freeze is a real deal – I sympathize with you.
Please don’t listen to the other commenter saying women all want bad boys and rough sex. My god.
you are extremely handsome so please try not to Let this hurt your self esteem. You are good looking and youthful which isn’t a bad thing.
sorry I don’t have any decent advice as I don’t live there and where I live the dating pool is also small and my choices are super limited, So I’m kinda in the same boat lol
Honestly, making more guy friends can help too. They’ll have female friends or girlfriends who have friends that you can meet through them.
I’ve been trying to phase off the apps and have the attitude of “if it happens, it happens”. It’s been going decently well by saying yes whenever I’m invited to group things – e.g. I did two big camping trips this month, each with one person I knew and ~12 I didn’t – and joining rec sports leagues.
I live in the PNW, and I have never experienced the freeze. I’ve met all my friends and partners by joining groups, then asking cool people to do other things. Art, music, sports, volunteering, politics, food stuff, booze stuff, book stuff, becoming a regular at trivia night, neighborhood potlucks. So, do stuff you like, but in groups. Join a bowling league, a climbing gym, a hiking group, whatever. The secret is to ask cool people to do stuff outside of the group. Not just people you want to date. Expand your networks.
What age range do you have set on the app?
Offhand, as a Seattleite, I think you should either pick up cycling or rock climbing and throw yourself into it. Those are two scenes where people seem to pick up a ton of friends and party together, freeze notwithstanding.
OP you’ve posted your story and profile many times over the past 6+ months (maybe even longer)
The details of your posts have never really changed so it sounds like you need to do something drastically different, either in your dating philosophy or your attitude (FYI I’m a POC in a competitive dating market and I am dating just fine)
Since you’ve never had a girlfriend I can’t help but wonder if you’re just self sabotaging at this point. Not trying to call you out but the fact that you do the same old song and dance each time is starting to make me wonder
If you can’t move why don’t you consider setting your location on the app somewhere in another city and test your dating luck there. That might help motivate you to put the pieces together to move sooner rather than never.
Good luck
Are you only using hinge? If you really want to widen your net and give yourself the best chance of meeting someone, you need to be on
the big three (tinder, bumble, and hinge).
You seem dateable to me, so my guess would be that there is something in your profile that isn’t aligning with the people in your area. That could be political beliefs, religious beliefs, wanting/not wanting kids, etc.
My other thought is you are not being as open as you think you are. I would reevaluate who you are swiping left on. You could be missing out on the folks who do want to date you. I used to swipe left for dumb reasons until I realized most of it doesn’t even matter when it’s a cool person you vibe with
Here’s something that may seem radical. Try dating people you aren’t physically attracted too. 1. If you are only judging someone on looks which is basically “oh I find this person physically desirable enough to interlock our private parts…”, you omit people who’s personality may have changed your mind about your attraction.
2. If you truly feel you’ve tried everything and destined to be alone, work on being the best you that you can be in non romantic relationships and if you need sex, hire a sex worker.
I live in Seattle area. Haven’t done OLD for 3 years as I was in a LTR. Your profile seems alright. When I was in the dating scene I cast my area very wide. I did not limit it to just Seattle. I was willing to drive up to an hour away. I also was going out n plenty of dates when I have kids.
One thing I do know is everyone here in Washington says they hike. I get tired of everyone basing their personality off of hiking. I get it you like hiking. My ex liked hiking every weekend. That’s great I will go if other responsibilities do not get in the way. But eventually I learned her entire personality revolves around hiking.
If you want to meet people hiking you need to join hiking groups. Not go on a solo hike and expect to ask people out. Don’t need a creep 5 miles into the woods trying to pick up a date.
I suggest change you age range and your distance range and you will probably see more matches happening.
I can tell you right now Seattle is a dumpster fire and people are actively staying away from there.
So I’m going to be really honest here.
I matched with you once and have seen you post a lot on Reddit. I get you want to meet someone, heck we all do. But from the little interaction I had with you on Hinge and on Reddit (under another username) you came off very needy and desperate. I’m not trying to insult you. It’s just, when you have that energy and mindset nothing will happen for you. You are an attractive guy for sure but it’s more than that. I unmatched with you on Hinge because I already felt a little suffocated in just the talking stages. Plus, I’ve seen multiple posts from you on Reddit with this same tone you have. Again, I mean no disrespect.
I think you’re a good looking dude, one of the problems is probably living outside of the city Vs the city proper, you’ll have fewer options that way but you live where you live. I’m surprised you get such few matches tbh
Haven’t read the comments yet but your profile is super lovely, you seem really attractive and kind, and I would swipe on it. I’m sorry this has been so tough!
I am in same boat and live outside of Seattle. In between work and running and this and that it hard to date. On top of that I don’t always agree on politics so that makes it hard to date .
I might have to move to find a normal woman.
I once watched a video of a guy giving advice to people who can’t find people to date. His suggestion was to go where they go. Go where ladies go. Go do yoga, even go get a pedicure, go do things where you would typically find ladies. Join clubs for activities that your’ee into. I would also suggest changing your mindset. We often think it’s nothing major to be pretty down or negative about things, but sometimes it hurts us. You get what you put out and if you feel you’ll never find someone that’s what you’ll get. You’re definitely cute. Keep trying.
Maybe move cities if you can? You’d probably have a lot more luck somewhere like Austin, it seems like the opposite from Seattle in terms of the ‘freeze’, IMO.
It’s interesting that already there’s two people in here that have sent you a like or matched with you on Hinge. Like, what are the chances of that? That suggests that you are in fact getting likes and matches.
The only thing that really stuck out to me is you saying someone scowled at you on the street. Sounds like my mom; she often perceives that people are frowning at her or trying to avoid her in public when, of course, they are not.
We know it’s not your appearance, profile, etc. So it’s got to be something about your attitude or the way you’re interacting with people.
Maybe someone else can chime in here but allegedly, these dating apps have some sort of algorithm that pushes you to the back of the line. If you want more exposure, you have to pay. I got over a dozen matches in a weekend when I first downloaded Bumble but it went down to a trickle after that. Maybe the ladies were drunk that weekend.
Frankly the photos with your shirt off combined with things like “spontaneous fun” read as very “playboy” to me. So if I want something serious, I’m looking for a man who appears to consider dating a serious enterprise. Not boring, but serious and with planning.
You have an awesome dating profile, so that isn’t it. I know you don’t match with people often, but could you show us an example or two of message exchanges you’ve had with someone you did match with? Or what your opening lines to women have been?
I suspect your issue with OLD is more how you’re communicating than it is your profile. That’s my guess.
Get more pictures of you slouching less. Bring your chest up more, shoulders back. Don’t cross your arms.
You’re good looking dude but the posture can make you seem insecure.
I would 110% match with you and I’m surprised you haven’t gotten anyone but I think instead of asking us, you need to ask yourself what your biggest red flags are.
For ex, I can match easily with people but when I really like someone, I tend to be clingy and demanding thus turning them off to me and thus a reminder that I have more work to do on myself before dating. Makes sense?
I would LOVE to know the type of women you’re “in to”.
Reading all this and assuming it’s mostly honest, I’m willing to bet you are probably nitpicky about womens physical features.
I see men who are otherwise attractive but maybe a minority of some sort be it race, height, etc, complaining *all* the time about not getting dates. And at the same time have a “no fats/no blacks” mentality. meaning, they never match women of color, they refuse to look at curvier women, or will let any physical trait of an otherwise beautiful woman be their no. I think a lot of men think that even if average nice women are liking them, if 5’9, fit, blonde models aren’t giving them attention then they are “hopelessly dateless”
Sorry if I’m way off. It’s just common amongst men I know.
Idk Seattle but it’s no small hick town, so if you aren’t finding matches it’s time to consider that you might be superficial in who you *want* to date you and how you think it should happen
Hire a professional for pictures, to help you set up your profile, and to coach you. Buy some height raising insoles or shoes and up your height to 5’10” on the apps. Workout more. And keep working on yourself pimp. You’ll be alright.
At 30 I’d go to weddings and you’d be lucky to have 2-4 single people. By mid 30’s there’s heaps of single people again because the first big thing seems to be ending in droves. While that doesn’t help you now, know there is a light at the end of that tunnel.
Oh man. I’m from Seattle too and I get that it is super hard to hook up with someone. I have this guy friend and I swear I thought this was his post. The Seattle freeze is real and it is super hard to find someone here (from my friends perspective), just wanted to say you aren’t along and I wish you the best of luck. She will come along when you least expect it. Go with the flow. Good luck!
Good looking dude, but you come off super upset /negative. Finding the right one is not easy, and sometimes never happens, just enjoy life as is and keep at it, game of patience.
Also I’ve never heard any of those things about Seattle
I live in Seattle. I used to be on Hinge before I met my current bf and I would have swiped right on you.
I am 33 F and while I’m not an Instagram model by any means, I would say that I’m relatively attractive to many guys in my age range. My guess is you’re being too picky.
People here saying they had issues dating in Seattle? Lol how? I’ve literally seen people with the lowest self confidence get a date.
There are a ton of dating or meeting-folks groups on Meetup.
I reached out to this dude (my type, into the same things, in my area) set up a date and he ghosted. So.. spoiler alert: He’s just single and whining to farm karma. Can we do the reddit thing and down vote to oblivion?
Stop going to old people bars , you want Pioneer Square and the karaoke bar in Renton and whatever bars have live music in Kent … there are plenty of bars with young people in them. Any matador location works too. Dive bars with pool tables always have younger people. Also you can’t go one time , pick a place you don’t hate and return there and get to know the regulars.. google karaoke bars , you don’t have to sing but it’s always a lively crowd.
I’m a late bloomer brotha myself up here in Seattle, and the journey is an interesting one. I’m originally from The South and it’s definitely been a culture change.
I’m currently working on figuring out dating myself. I’m a pretty direct guy, so I’ve recently approached a few women and have had two meetups so far. It turns out both were impressed by me actually approaching because it doesn’t happen too often. Now I just need to keep stretching myself socially, and getting more experience in this dance. I still have a lot of work to do with building my social circle & such, but it’s definitely a challenge.
The more intention I put into this stuff, the more I realize:
1. A lot of women in Seattle are quite beautiful.
2. I can get better with dating simply by doing what most won’t.
I don’t really have any advice aside from just keeping up consistent effort. Also to not let your anxieties create undue pressure on yourself to achieve something (very hard).
Good luck, man.