I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place to post. I’m new to Reddit just seeking advice. Let me know and I can remove it.please tell me where to post it I’m desperate
Ok, so today I (m17) was looking for my birth certificate. It was being kept in a tan envelope, and when I was searching among the place where my family keeps all important documents, I found a tan envelope. I thought that it was the folder that contained my birth certificate.
I opened it, and long story short, it wasn’t my birth certificate. What I found was a thick file, the top page being a state form that said surrender of a child or something along those lines. Admittedly my brain didn’t register what it was, so I flipped through. In it was several papers, one of which was a description basically. It had race, sex, whether or not it was conceived in wedlock, etc. and it had both my parents names on it. It was dated 2009, and on child’s name, it listed a random male name with MY last name on it.
This name was not familiar to me at all. I had never heard it before, and my parents have never mentioned it. I, the oldest, was born in 2005, and have two younger brothers born before 2009 and one sister born AFTER 2009 in 2011. It’s completely plausible that a child was born in 2009 and me, being 3 or 4, wouldn’t remember any of it. It’s a lot to process and I’m honestly shell shocked. I plan on looking at the folder again tomorrow and confirming everything if I can access it, as my sister called for me and I had to put it away before I read the rest.
TL;DR I might have a brother I’ve never known about that my parents put up for adoption in 2009.
What do I do?
12 comments
Ask them for explanation before you jump into conclusion
Your action should probably depend on your relationship with your parents. This is a tough one. If you don’t have a good relationship with them, I’m not sure you should bring it up. Plus, consider how dependent on them you are because they might get defensive and angry.
If anything, don’t act on it right away, sit on it for a bit and think about whether they’ve expressed views on adoption, abuse, hereditary medical conditions, etc – it may give you a hint of what occurred. There are many reasons why a mom would give a child away – and it was likely a decision that was hard to make considering she already had children in the house.
Yeah just ask in a very calm and non judgemental way. You’ve no idea what it actually is. Their reaction to your questions will tell you a lot.
Just ask them. Walk in with the the paper in your hand, say I found this when I was looking for my birth certificate. Do I have a brother that I don’t know about? Maybe your dad wasn’t the father of the kid so they gave him up? She ended up keeping your other siblings so that’s why I’m making this assumption. Or maybe she had a still born?? Maybe they had to sign relase papers with that? I have no idea
Sounds like your parents did not they could handle another child and let your newborn brother be adopted.
It’s very possible this was a stillbirth or a baby who died shortly after birth. I wouldn’t mention it. There’s so much hurt that comes with either a death and an adoption. Your parents will tell you if and then they’re ready.
Confronting them about this may open a significant can of worms so proceed with caution. You do not know the circumstances from conception to adoption and some of the answers to your questions are not going to be in the folder. There are a whole slew of factors that could have played into the decision and what happened could be a chapter in their lives they thought had been closed, so revisiting this may be traumatic for them.
Seriously, you need to get ahead of your little sister and keep her from shooting off her mouth until you have a game plan, even if that is to not ask.
I’ve often found that it’s easier to have a conversation while on a walk, the awkward pauses are easier and things flow better because you don’t feel as trapped. It sounds like when the brother was born your parents had one baby a year for four year? That sounds incredibly overwhelming and honestly they have probably been living with some guilt about giving up their child ever since. Talking about it might be really cathartic for them or they might say that they aren’t ready to discuss it. You sound like a sensitive kid so I hope that your parents recognize that you are trying to be understanding about the situation and not judgmental.
Have you searched local newspaper birth and death announcements during that .. or searched gir a dearh certificate from 2009?
OP, it is possible that your brother was so medically fragile that your parents turned over custody to the state (or equivalent outside of the US) so that he could receive desperately needed care that they could not afford. Please ask them but be very sensitive.
OP, your parents are adults. They made a decision. They’ve kept it from you for whatever reason they had. You are becoming an adult and found paperwork. If they didn’t want this to be an issue, they should’ve been more responsible and kept that envelope hidden. You can’t un-know it now. Pandora’s box is open.
I feel like you have a right to know about your brother. Why he was adopted. Where he is. I strongly disagree with others who are like “let your parents tell you in their own time.”
Parents are just any other person, deeply flawed. They may try to hide this from you to their graves.
You should have a right to know your sibling if you and they want that.
As for your sister, I’d be absolutely heartbroken if I found out I had another sibling my parents hid from me. If he died, I’d want to know to grieve what could’ve been with my parents and understand them more. If he was conceived through rape, I’d still want to know about him. If he has special needs, I’d want to meet him and learn about his disability. There is so much here they are keeping from you and you’re nearing an age where it’s not right anymore.
Maybe they meant you to find that envelope…