Will try to keep this short. Husband(34 M) nd I (34 F) have been together 18 years and married 6 one child together. I moved from my hometown to be with him in his hometown.
The argument started when we had a miscommunication about a question he asked and the answer I was giving (it was about nothing of importance) and then he got frustrated with me and started to yell and cuss after a bit I did the same. He then started telling me that I wasnt being respectful to him and that he’s tired of it. I pointed out that he is the one who started the yelling etc. He then followed me telling me I can pack my sh*t and go. I told him go where i moved here for you and have no where to go
He said he doesnt know or care but I can get out of his house and he will help me pack my stuff so I can get the f*** out. He then said that our child wont be going with me either and threw his ring off saying f*** this ring and we’re done and over.
A bit after I had to leave but was trying to talk to him about what he said and he wouldnt really listen and said that if I can’t take him talking to.me like that then that’s on me.
He has said shitty things to me in the past when he was upset but this is the worst. The most recent was over a few year about money. I lost my job and at the time he was supportive and encouraging while on unemployment I paid off my car and a school loan so I could go back to school (he also encouraged) but when he was mad he’d throw in my face that I didnt pay any bills or offer to help him and would call out other things I’d buy for myself (I was not asking him for money during this time). I HATE asking people for help especially money. Always have. He even told me hes been resentful about the way we pay bills but he’s always made significantly more than me but I always contribute. I am back working now but still feel.like it’s not enough.
It’s been almost a week since this argument that night he did apologize and said he didnt mean it but was mad. He also said “I dont hate you” something I dont recall him saying. We’ve been cordial and I told him idk how I feel and I still dont. I love him but what he said has hurt me and got me wondering what he will do the next time he’s mad. I dont have any friend or family where we live either so that makes.me feel.more alone. I cant stop thinking about what he said. Any help is appreciated.
14 comments
Dude. You’re married. All the money is both of yours. And that’s just problem 1 of many, and not even the most severe.
The two of you need counseling ASAP. If you can’t fix the way you communicate with each other, divorce and stop modeling a terrible relationship for your child.
It sounds like your in an extremely abusive relationship.
I would make a plan to get you and your child back to your home town.
He’s abusive, and most likely has anger issues. Counseling or separation; I’m sorry it’s come to that.
I’ll be honest here and say he sounds like an explosive person who doesn’t know how to communicate. A conversation about money can be done without weaponizing your relationship. I almost wonder how it got so heated. If a miscommunication causes this type of outburst I’d definitely seek counseling. It almost seems like you were unaware this outburst was going to happen by your post, I couldn’t live in a home where I had to walk on egg shells wondering when the next threat would come from. What disagreement or argument would cause him to lose his cool again.
The [Gottman’s](https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-we-used-the-aftermath-of-a-fight-to-repair-our-relationship/) Aftermath of Fight framework might be helpful.
Additionally, a Gottman trained counselor might be beneficial for working out the bigger, unresolved issues.
I would start an exit plan that includes taking my kid, saving money – finding a place to live, back home or somewhere else. I would also ask him to attend MC. If that doesn’t work or he won’t go, work on the exit plan. One day he will wake up or come home and be all alone.
>The argument started when we had a miscommunication about a question he asked and the answer I was giving (it was about nothing of importance)
There’s obviously much more that was bothering him than something that was “nothing of importance”.
Your guys need counseling to get to the root of the problem(s).
I had some other items here, but my gut said to remove it. (I know. It’s the internet. )
Been there.
Reverse the genders for my situation.
There are issues, and other details, I will not go into.
But, it is difficult at times.
So, all I can say and offer is that I get it.
Cooler heads always prevail, sometimes people cause an issue just to get an off the cuff emotional response. Emotional responses are by definition irrational responses. Sometimes it pays to play dumb till you can process the info. I.C. is an idea followed by M.C. best wishes going forward.
Sharing a child’s perspective in a home like yours…
Your husband sounds so much like my dad before he eventually got help.
Explosive temper that can be set off by any tiny thing.
He would say the most hurtful things to me and my mum. To this day I have super thick skin because all the most horrible insults hurled at me were from my own dad.
He eventually got help because even though my mum just got used to him. I exploded at the age of 13 maybe 14. I screamed at him and made threats. He finally realised something was wrong and got help. He was on meds for a long time and became a totally different person.
Yikes. What an a-hole.
First off, nobody can kick their spouse out of the family home with our a court order.
So, is your husband a nut that went ballistic over one argument, or was this the straw that broke the camel’s back?
You said that you paid off your car and a school loan while unemployed, and bought things for yourself, but apparently didn’t pay any household expenses. Now you “contribute” but he feels that the amount is unfair to him.
Does he have a point? Based on what you wrote here, I would say he does.
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i wold say he does.
Hmmm this sounds like my marriage, fix your problems asap. If you can afford therapy do it. And next time he tells you to leave ignore him and don’t pack nothing. Just walk away.