I (23M) don’t participate in human interaction at all anymore really. At least not in any substantial way, I might maybe have to say hi to a cashier or something and that’s about it, and I honestly despise interactions like that, so I even avoid those as much as possible. Never had a girlfriend, and I haven’t had a friend or even an acquaintance for about a year and a half.
The reason I’m so reclusive now is because I think there’s something fundamentally broken about the way I interact with people. Yes, I’ve been to therapy, yes, I’m still in therapy, no, it hasn’t helped. Most of the reasons behind it I can’t explain, and if I could find the right words, most people wouldn’t understand what I was talking about anyway, so therapists can’t really help. I just feel like I don’t have a self. There is no “me”, none of my actions feel like they *belong* to me. I’m just not a real person.
And I think part of not having a self is that no one can know me. They think they do, and a fair few people would’ve claimed to “know” me pretty well, but they didn’t, they couldn’t possibly, and I know that, because I can’t even know me. They only know one or more of my many “masks”, but not masks how people usually describe them, these feel more like I’m being possessed by an outside force, and just watching from the sidelines as a thousand other souls puppeteer my body around, so people think there’s a “me” in there cause they only see one of me, but there’s no such thing as “me”. So I can’t connect with anyone, because I never feel like they know me.
And in addition to that, and I don’t know if this is just another set of masks, or if this is somehow me behind the masks, but I also have periods where I cease to feel anything for anyone. This is usually when I disappear from social media, and ghost any “friends” I’ve made since the last time. I have never allowed myself to be in a relationship because I know I’ll eventually fall entirely out of love with someone and feel nothing for them at all, probably hurting them because they can’t understand.
I have been talking to a girl online recently, and I suspect she might like me romantically. I could be wrong about that, we haven’t flirted or anything like that, but we’ve shared a lot of traumas with each other and things like that. I’ve offhandedly mentioned a few times that I don’t have relationships, and she’s offhandedly mentioned a few times that she thinks it’s important for people not to let their past traumas prevent them from trusting and trying to love people going forward. And I’ll admit, sometimes I wonder if I’m just trying to tell myself I “can’t” have relationships as a form of not dealing with the risks, but I also feel like it would legitimately be very irresponsible and naive for me to just “see what happens” with something like this, since I know what I know about how I operate.
TL;DR: I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by rejecting the idea of having relationships.
6 comments
Avoiding all human interaction sounds like a terrible idea that’s likely to make whatever’s going on with you worse. There are lots of everyday interpersonal relationships that are valuable and worth cultivating and maintaining even if they don’t involve “connecting” deeply with people, and making the effort to have at least cordial acquaintance with the people around you is likely to help.
I think it’s also worth interrogating the idea that a connection isn’t real just because it’s only based on as much of you as a person can see from their perspective. That’s always true of any relationship. There will always be aspects of any person that even those closest to them aren’t aware of, just as a function of how much more complicated the insides of our heads are than our ability to sense and communicate can keep up with.
Meanwhile the assertion that therapy can’t help because you can’t describe what’s wrong in words people will understand sounds very premature. I’m not a therapist, and I’m not going to try to diagnose you, but you do a lot of describing in this post that sounds like it would be a *very* rich starting point for a qualified therapist to dig further. If you haven’t gotten anywhere yet, you may simply have the wrong therapist. And while, again, I’m not qualified to diagnose you, and this is just a layman’s guess based on “hey, that sounds like…”, what you describe immediately made me think “depersonalization”, so googling that and digging into the resources you turn up may help you find new language with which to describe what you’re feeling in ways that make it more likely you’ll get help, or people experiencing similar things who may be able to relate to you better and help you understand yourself either through similarity or contrast.
>Yes, I’ve been to therapy, yes, I’m still in therapy, no, it hasn’t helped. Most of the reasons behind it I can’t explain, and if I could find the right words, most people wouldn’t understand what I was talking about anyway, so therapists can’t really help.
So what do you actually *talk* about at these therapy sessions, if not for this very real problem you have? You put it into words pretty succinctly here, are you not able to do that with your therapist?
>I’ll admit, sometimes I wonder if I’m just trying to tell myself I “can’t” have relationships as a form of not dealing with the risks,
I think you’re right. It’s easier to never try than it is to try and potentially fail.
I mean you obviously do crave relationships on some level otherwise why talk to this woman online and share your traumas etc?
I agree with u/kamikasei below – based on your post and what you describe, there is a rich vein of material for a suitably qualified therapist (definitely not me) to explore with you, and the person / people you’ve been speaking to so far simply doesn’t sound like the right ‘fit’ for you. I second that it sounds like ‘depersonalization’ which could stem from a number of different things, but that’s only a ‘lay-diagnosis’ which are worth less than a WWII Reichsmark was at the time 🤷🏻♂️
Human relationships are important, even though they don’t feel that way RN. Don’t give up on therapy, just explore different therapists 👍
You have DID, my dude. I’ve had it my whole life, and all of those feelings you have about your actions not actually belonging to you, that’s me. I call it “spectator mode” like in video games where you’re actually watching things happen in third person, but have no real control over it. If you’re not specifically being treated for DID by a behavioral counselor, you should find a new doctor.
So, let me give you some tips on what I wish I would have done at 23…
Get the correct therapy, get on the correct meds, stay interconnected with people even if it feels weird because it actually helps keep you grounded, don’t turn to drugs or alcohol because they just make things a hundred times worse, and always try to realize that your perspective of yourself is not the perspective other people have. Honestly, other people may actually know you better than you do with DID because they experience you on a different level than you experience yourself.
Since we’re talking about romantic relationships, I’ve have had several of them. Actually, it’s common that people with DID are promiscuous which I was myself for a long time, but there have been three people I’ve had a deep connection with in long term relationships that I’ve given up each time because of a lot of what you said.
If you are able to find one, maybe this one, don’t give it up. Be up front about how you experience the world at the very beginning. After that, do the work to keep it. Don’t just walk away. It will be extremely difficult at times, but staying to get through it is worth it.
Are you into eastern philosophies such as Advaita Vedanta? Do you believe in enlightenment. Have you ever read the book I Am That by Nisargadatta Maharaj? I ask because you are describing what someone in the enlightened state experiences. That book can steer you in the right direction.
Show this post to your therapist. I think there’s at least a possibility that you are grappling with Dissociative Identity Disorder.