So , my girl asked me if she could make out with other guys in the club if she is in the mood for it.
Story behind this:
she’s in her early twenties I´m in my mid twenties, we r together for nearly 3 years, she had a phase before we got together, where she met a couple of guys in a short time if u know what I mean ( we met in this phase) I can only see her on the weekends because she lives so far away but we see each other nearly every weekend ( It got a little bit less the last 3 months because she had to work) but we speak nearly every day because we are both gamers and have some games that we can play together.
My GF has pretty much only one friend. Her BFF and her, sometimes go to the club just the two of them.
U have to know that her BFF is single, and she never had / has a boy for more than a couple of weeks or months so she makes out with guys in the club just for fun. So my GF would be “alone” in the club and she isn’t really good at making new “friends” it gets better if she is drunk but you know what I mean.
She said, from time to time she wants to have “fun” too and doesn’t want to stand alone in club, watching her BFF making out with guys, she wants to do it too if the opportunity is there.
I can understand the feeling she has. I mean it would be the same if I would go to a club with my best buddy and he would catch a girl … I would be pretty much alone too.
I ask her what she would feel If I would make out with other girls? Her answer was that she won´t like it at all but because it is just one time fun and there are no feeling involved it would be okay for her.
To make it a bit shorter: we talked about it and this would be the rules ( She didn´t said a word about rules, its just what she said after we talked about different situation and I just call it rules for now to make the text shorter)
1. Only making out ( In my country this means only kissing and a little bit of touching but over the clothes)
2. Only one time (Not the same person more than once, exception would be on holiday trips if you do it 2 -3 with the same person in this holiday week for example but u know that u wont see that person again after the this week)
3. Only in the heat of battle (So no looking for people on tinder etc. just in the moment if there is a opportunity)
4. Only If we r “alone ( If we r together in a club or party this won´t happen and she doesn´t want me to do it as well.
5. Nobody we know (so nobody from work, no friends, no friends of friends etc.)
6. No sex (she said that she don´t have the need of that, that she is happy with our sex live and she would not want to go with a stranger or do it in the club) Note: I´m not 100% sure what about this Holiday exception – I said to her if u make out with the same person a couple of days and drink just one cup too much, making out leads to sex pretty dam fast. She said yes, she but again just for the fun, no feelings and never seeing this person again would be okay.
7. Be honest about everything (she ask me if I would want to know if she would make out with a other man in the future, I said I don´t know)
She said that she wants it but If I say no she won´t do it. She said, the relationship is more important for her than a little bit of fun.
This all cam up after she started to plan a trip to your capital city with her BFF ( its still in the near future)
Now to what I think:
First to the last part ( If I say no she won´t do it), I trust her but she is this kind of person that, if something is stuck in her head, it won´t go away and I think if I say no now, this “pressure” in her head will grow bigger and bigger and than she will do it in secret or will get unhappy, its kinda the same for me if something is in my head and I want to do it.
Like I said I kinda understand her feelings about all this. It would be the same for me, the different is that she goes in clubs with her BFF quit often while I doesn´t go out so much (under the week) so she would get a lot more “action” than me and that kinda burdens me.
I´m kinda against this whole only one partner for the rest of your life thing. I think this was a necessary social construction to survive. I won´t go deeper in detail, just let it be like I said ( I would be open for threesome and swinger stuff; I think, maybe.) The problem with this is that I have a lot anxiety. I think I could get some girls too, some pretty hot too, so no problem with that but I always have the feeling I´m the second choice of my girl friend. If I talk with her about the stuff in my head, and explain what triggers this thoughts (most of the time its something she did) she explains why she did certain things and 9 out 10 times, that helps me a lot, I understand her point and get my feelings right.
to finally get to the point. I don´t know what to do. I´m kinda against it but at the same time I want her to do it because I can´t tell how much it will bother me at the end. I also think if she does it now and I forbid it later, its like the “forbidden fruit” and things get worst.
I want to know what you guys would do…
What you think about it ?
Did something like this happen to you ? what are your experiences with stuff like this …?
And to all female redditors out there, where do u think comes her desire from, is the relationship the problem or is this more or less a female thing (no front!! <3) ?
\*\*TL;DR; : What Should I do ? Would it be right to let her make out with other guys? What is your opinion, what is your experience with stuff like this ? \*\*.
19 comments
So if your gf is going out to the club in the first place and “dancing” that is the same thing as having random men grind their hard penises on you/your vagina. That’s because the most common dancing is just grinding up against each other.
Clubbing and dancing don’t involve kissing. Kissing literally takes it out of the normal atmosphere. So, this makes me think your gf just wants to fuck other guys because there’s no way that she’s going to do a makeout session with a random guy that isn’t going to get at least handsy with her and start fingering/dominating her. It just leads to sex, period.
When I go to clubs, I’m looking to hook up. It starts with grinding, then touching, then kissing, then more. Sometimes the guys finger me there but more often it just turns into “let’s get out of here.”
I’d probably say no to this if you’re dating her and aren’t completely open with the possibility that someone is going to bust their nut in her sooner or later. It’s pretty much inevitable. The problem here is I don’t think your gf is ready to settle down and stop her sexual experiences with you. She wants to feel and experience other men.
She is not wife material. Fullstop!
She’s essentially asking for an open relationship.
My think about this is that just making out often leads to more. Its honestly pretty unusual to cross the boundary from dancing together to making out without the direct intent for it to go further in a club context. I’ve literally never had a girl start making out with me in some kinda party like session where we did not end up back in bed. And in the heat of the moment, if she’s into it, things can happen. She gives consent she wish she didn’t and has sex with someone because once the hormones from those kinda interactions start flowing they are powerful and factually interfere with in the moment judgement.
Its hard to lock down the kinda boundaries she says she intends to have with random guys in the club. And if making out is fun, leads to getting fingered and she is too turned on to want to tell him no, has an orgasm…you see where this is going. People who consent to sexual interactions and then enjoy them often have a hard time stopping themselves, and someone who has no idea what her boundaries are because its a club stranger will take her in the moment yes at face value.
I think you might as well break up. I don’t think she is ready to be monogamous, and I don’t think you are ready for her not to be.
This relationship is most def going the distance
Do you understand the concept of playing with fire?
you can make whatever rules you want. only when you use gloves, only have sticking your hands in ice for 30 minutes etc. Fire burn, you will burn.
Don’t have that OMG i didnt know this could happen face when it happens.
heres another… play dumb games, win …… ……
I would preemptively dump her before she cheats.
You can go from snogging just for kicks to catching feelings quick.
That’s gonna be a non-starter for me dog. I predict if this the road you two go down one of you will be sleeping with some else within 2 months.
This reads like coomer fan-fic.
I’m a female and no I would never want to do this while in a relationship. If I’m into my boyfriend I definitely do not have a desire to kiss other guys. That’s not “fun” to me at all.
Open relationships work for some people. But not others. You said you have anxiety and the idea of this situation doesn’t thrill you. Think on that.
Never understood making out with a random at the club even when I was single. Still don’t. Plus, Covid is still around.
If the relationship is solid then being open can be an option. If not and she just wants to be like her friends and have fun then don’t bother. That’s an immature reason. If you’re against it then it’s just that. Maybe you’ll need to find a more suitable partner.
She belongs to the streets!!! 😆
In all seriousness OP, be honest with yourself. You don’t want this, and your GF bringing it up shows you that she has other things on her mind. You deserve a lot better than this, let her have her fun and find someone who will treat you right.
So you are a poly person of some sort in your mind but an anxiety ridden mess irl. You are also not capable of handling the inequity of most of the more open types of poly relationships. You attracted a girl who to atleast some degree thinks the same way but wants to draw the line at kissing and touching instead of allowing sex. Yet you realize you can’t handle this.
Let’s cut to the chase neither one of you even actually knows yourselves well enough to be fully and truely committed to a longterm relationship. You are both way to immature to be thinking long term about your future together while making every day decisions by yourselves.
If it were me, I’d tell her “as a single girl, you can do what you like”. Those would probably be the last words I said to her.
She is for the streets
If you said yes she will lose respect for you and cheat on you. If you said no, she is already thinking about it and most likely will cheat on you. Unless you are ok with her sleeping with other men, GET OUT.
I would break up, it’s okey for her to want it but if you don’t then it’s time to move on and i know that hurts alot but for your own mental it’s the safest option.
I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t read much of this but I feel like what I’m going to say would still be the best way to approach this imo.
if you’re uncomfortable with it, it’s not a good idea. If you allowed that to go happen, you wouldn’t be being your true self. You’d be holding back something that bothers you to satisfy your SO.
If you say yes then it will be the beginning of all your heartaches leading to the end of your relationship. Drop her and find somebody else who does not need to make out with another person to feel fulfilled.