I often hear advice from friends is that confidence is really what builds up charisma or attractiveness in a guy, but I’m finding lately that I have none at all and I could use help.
The last few years I have just felt really awful about my appearance. I think I am objectively slightly below average looking. I just have a little bit of an awkward face that I think is a barrier from really breaking beyond that point. I’ve worked out a lot, I’ve gotten expensive haircuts, I’ve gotten nice fitting clothes. But I can’t break beyond the barrier of just being a little awkward. I’ve got big lips and a stupid smile and there’s just nothing really I can do beyond that.
It’s so frustrating to exist within a society that does value looks above all else. We often hear that you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but we all realistically know that happens anyways. Whenever I go to the gym, I see people with natural beauty that I’ll never have, no matter how much I run or lift.
When I watch TV or movies, I see people glorified for having the gifts I’ll never have. It’s splashed in front of me all the time, teasing me with the women I can never realistically expect to attract, and showing me the kind of men I can never look like. It is continually harassing and depressing me.
I feel like I am a worthwhile person that at least has some personal charm and a little bit of attractiveness but I just don’t have the confidence. It’s like a chicken and egg thing. I can’t have it without having a reason to have it, but I have no reason to have it to begin with. If I had it, I could perhaps attract women better or be noticed more at work or anything like that. But it’s just not there, and I “faked it”, I would know internally I’d just be lying.
Can anyone help me with this? I want to be more confident. I want to not feel horrible when I go to the gym or watch TV. What can I do about this?
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Therapy. You need cognitive behavioral therapy. You are trapped in negative thought patterns where you are constantly comparing yourself to others and beating yourself down. You’re addicted to feeling bad about yourself, as strange as that may sound to you. Also, you attribute your entire self worth to what kind of women you are able to attract. This is a societal pit fall for men – because it’s not simply some delusion, we are conditioned to think this way. But all it is doing is breaking you, which is why you need to change it. There’s really no advice here on Reddit that will make this go away or help you. I can tell you that you’re more than just what women you’re able to attract, or that you’re more than your big lips and “awkward appearance” – but that won’t help you. Therapy will. Please go and talk to someone. Express these feelings and work with someone who can help you reprogram yourself with more self esteem and respect. Good luck friend.
I think you need more self love for yourself and a shot of confidence dude. Being in a negative head space won’t get you anywhere
If it makes you feel any better, I can get laid pretty often if I wanted to and don’t have trouble getting attractive partners. Yet I still can get depressed af and have fears I’m not good enough. I get complimented relatively often and have a very in shape body most guys would kill for. That’s not what’s gonna make you (or me) happy, having attention. It’s fake happiness, it’s not lasting or real. Sure, does it feel really good when a woman thinks I’m amazing in bed or that I have a good body? Fuck yeah, but it’s fleeting and ego boosting, and it’s not real happiness
I’m surely not saying you shouldn’t do things to better your chances like working out, going to therapy, treating yourself right, etc but you will not be any happier even if you can get the hottest women on earth without even trying
Are you me?
So as others have said….I suggest you speaking with a therapist and going on an adventure of finding some self-love. I was very similar to you a short while back. I constantly looked over my ‘imperfections’ and kept beating myself over what I did not have (a relationship). Mind you, this is coming from a guy who is decently successful at dating and have had numerous relationships / flings over the last 1.5 years. Furthermore, I was addicted at looking at the scale and what the number was. I went to therapy, threw out the scale, and told myself that I was complete as I was. Do I have things that could be better? Yes. But those imperfections are perfect because they are me. You have to realize that love comes from within. Once you do that, you will grow confidence and that will shine outward. It is a domino effect.
I think you are over valuing appearance in regards to dating. Yes, its important but the personality underneath and your accomplishments in life are the really important part.
Now I’m also wondering if you over value looks in women as well? If you only really want women who are very good looking when you are below average in your looks, this presents a separate issue. It’s not just hypocritical, it could be genuinely blocking you from finding a great relationship with a woman who is also very average in the looks dept, but a stellar human being.
So I would suggest you find your confidence by learning to value what else you bring to the table, other than just basing it on looks. I would also suggest you begin valuing women on more than just their looks. Looks fade but who we are as a person stays.
Change your mindset and find out what you can offer.
>teasing me with the women I can never realistically expect to attract
You aren’t going to attract chicks like Anne Hathaway. And there’s a bunch of decent women out there who also are down on their appearance, wondering why they can’t get Hollywood hunks.
I’m not a Hollywood hunk and my girlfriend isn’t Anne Hathaway. And the majority of the world is not in the top 10% of attractiveness, and tons of them are happy in their relationships. But also, tons of them can’t stop feeling bad they can’t take Anne Hathaway out for dinner. You gotta stop living in media. I mostly only watch cartoons and shows with normal-looking people. And also anything starring Anne Hathaway.
Start working out!
There is nothing wrong about being awkward! I think the problem is that society makes us believe that being awkward or unique in out own way is something we should avoid. But from what you said you tried a lot of different stuff, wich I think it’s good so you can figure out what you like and what you don’t like. I think you should try to see yourself with different eyes, like not as an issue but as being yourself. Feeling good about yourself I believe that brings out the confidence in us, I’m still truly to figure that out myself. Good luck 🥳
There are two different kinds of confidence. One is being certain of your ability to achieve a desirable outcome. You’re confident to approach women because you’re sure they are going to say yes.
The other is being certain of your value regardless of the outcome. You’re confident to approach women because it doesn’t bother you if they say no. Your self-worth doesn’t depend on the validation of others.
Trying to develop the first kind would just amount to faking it, lying to yourself. The second type is something you can actually work on, and something people find attractive.
Go to college. Most guys that are unable to attain relationships are mostly uneducated. Education not only makes you more desirable to the opposite sex, but also in the job market. It also sharpens your thinking to allow you to be more intellectually appealing.
I’m a 23F, I’m not gonna sugarcoat things…somethings may not be what you want to hear.
Pretty privilege does exist..looks do matter to the extent that peoples controversial actions are forgiven….But that doesn’t mean that your not gonna find anyone or be lonely in life.
I’m ugly, I don’t get male attention..in fact all my experiences with males have been negative..to being ignored..to being laughed at.
However I learnt recenlty that I can become someone else’s crush or love; it made me see in a different perspective. Maybe I won’t get the attention level as pretty women…but knowing that I can at least attract someone..gives me hope.
Don’t lose hope, there is always someone even if your unattractive. Sometimes it takes time..
It sounds crazy, but the only way to get confidence is to give it to yourself. If you fully convince yourself that you’re good looking, you’ll start to believe that you are. You have to be steadfast in this belief, no matter what people say, how they act, or what you see in the mirror. Your absolute faith in this new reality must be unwavering. The more you convince yourself that you have an attractive, unique look, the easier it will be to believe it. It will start to feel true and natural.
And just to be clear, this is all internal. This doesn’t mean you should go around being cocky or arrogant. It’s all about what you tell yourself – not others. It should be something people notice in your demeanor and how you carry yourself.
I’m sure you’ll dismiss this advice, but if you do take it to heart, just remember to be patient. It’s not going to change over night, but if you keep it up, you’ll start to notice the difference over time (and others will too!).
Dm me your photo I’ll tell you honestly if you’re hot or not.
Hit the gym and get grinding cuz no matter what anybody says healthy men unlike women in the monke back brain of the society dont have inherent value and you gotta grind your ass off to generate the value it being fit and healthy in mental and physical levels and a positove attitude and so on . Just remember being sad wont help you at all brother wish you well
You are not the first nor will you be the last man to go through life alone. A lot of guys are in your position including myself. Don’t give up completely on the dream but know that it’s possible that it will never happen.
If you find an answer let me know. I’ve gotten fit, have a career and do good for myself. At the end I can only blame myself.
I have the same problem. I don’t consider myself attractive even though I’ve put so much effort to improve myself like you i.e. gym, grooming etc.
I don’t blame women for having these standards, because we can’t help who we’re attracted to.
What helps me sometimes is that i remember that I have basically the same outlook as them because I too can’t help who I’m attracted to, I go for women who are considered conventionally attractive.
It’s hard, but we can’t lose hope. Just have to keep getting out there which I know is easier said than done. It’s ok to feel shitty about when we get rejected or our confidence takes a blow.
Do you have a close friend you can talk to this about? I always talk about this to my friend who I’ve known since I was 10. It just helps me vent my frustration, and the more I talk about it, the more it becomes a so what. I’m not saying it’s a magic pill, but it helps.
Just remember we are our own worst enemy when it comes to picking flaws and we will beat ourselves up about it and try to be someone who we are not and the one thing about a relationship is we cannot pretend to be something else as you will get caught out in time.
Never compare yourself to TV or Movie stars, make up artists spend hours making them look good as well as good lighting.
You should seek some therapy to work on some self compassion and focus on your strengths and not dwell on what you think is wrong with you.