TL;DR due to some confusion/lack of clear communication I will be out of town for my brother in laws z”l 12 month memorial service, and I feel awful.
Nearly a year ago my husband’s brother passed away from cancer at age 37. This was obviously a very hard experience for my husband (boyfriend at the time), his family, and for myself as well. I tried my best to be available throughout his brothers illness, the funeral, the mourning period, and after. Now it has been nearly a year, and my husband and I recently got married, and here is where it gets complicated.
It is important to note some customs differences here, my husband and I are both Jewish, which comes with shared customs, but I am a Canadian ashkenazi Jew and he is a Morrocan Israeli Jew so there is also variation in our customs.
The Jewish calendar is different than the standard calendar as it follows the lunar cycle, and every few years there is a leap month, meaning that it is a 13 month long year. I was approached about a work trip and I knew it fell relatively close to the date that my husband’s brother passed away so I checked the Jewish calendar dates and realised I would arrive back home a full month before the one year anniversary of his death, as it was a leap year, so it wouldn’t be a problem. I mentioned the flights to my husband who didn’t see any problem (though I never mentioned the proximity to the memorial, but it didnt come to his mind) and now my flights and accommodations are all booked and I am confirmed for this trip. This week my husband mentioned to me that in his culture they also have a memorial not only on the one year anniversary of the death but also the month before hand, meaning I will still be out of town for work during this memorial.
I feel awful not being but my husband’s side during a hard emotional time for him, but I can’t get out of the work trip at this point. I just don’t know what to do. I know I am not abandoning my husband as I will ne with him the week before and immediately after, as well as at the years memorial, and he will be with family however I still feel as if I am somehow failing him and his family, and I don’t know how to even talk about it to him.
4 comments
you literally didn’t know that, so it would be unreasonable for him to resent you.What you can do is talk about it at work just so you can have a clear conscience that you didn’t even try. and call your husband before and after the ceremony
If your husband needs extra support, at some point it’s on him to say “I need support from you, I would prefer you not go.” Since it doesn’t seem like he’s said that, I think you need to take him at his (lack of) word that he’s ok with this.
His brother passed a year ago after what was presumably a long illness (or, at least long enough to say what needed to be said). There’s another, more important memorial in a month. His family will be at this memorial. He may genuinely be ok with this.
Heck, if he’s anything like me, he may prefer it. It might be calming to think about having the house to himself during his grief – we don’t want grieving folks to be too alone, but sometimes you do need space for yourself to ugly cry without an audience….
NTA. Once you informed him of your trip dates, he should have said something.
You feel awful but your husband mentioned this kind of custom too late.
You’ll be back in time for the actual anniversary that he told you about and that you planned for, but not the 1-month before anniversary that happens before the actual anniversary which you just recently learned about.