I always second guess my own feelings so would be good to vent and get others views on this..
Been together with my boyfriend for 5 years. He’s 30, I’m 28. We’ve had many chats about lying in the past. He has a very ‘laddy’ group of friends, most of who are engaged or married. I’ve had an issue with him taking drugs and lying to me in the past. When he slips up and takes drugs now I THINK he’s being truthful and telling me straight when I ask him. But I snooped on his phone today (I know not the best move on my part) and he was actively arranging to go and pick some drugs up for him and his friends before a couple of events (so not just an in the moment kind of thing). The other thing I said I wasn’t happy with was him sending or responding to porn his friends sent in the group chat. The way his friends talk about girls is pretty gross, I.e. ‘id have a go on her’ or ‘who do you think the best shag would be?’. Today his friend sent some pretty graphic porn and his response was ‘she has a top fanny. Is she famous?’. I honestly don’t know what to do.
tl/dr: I can’t trust my boyfriend
6 comments
Then break up. Honestly the lying about the drug use is more concerning than anything else.
oh no… the guys group chat. I think most girls have been in a relationship with a dude that had one. my current boyfriend used to do exactly what you’re describing, aside from the drugs. I wasn’t okay with it at all, voiced it, and after finding out that there was some pretty nasty stuff being said, told him he can either leave the groupchat or leave me.
i’m a firm believer that in every relationship there are boundaries. if one person isn’t able to respect the other’s boundaries, or don’t agree with the boundaries, it’s usually a good idea to leave. one issue I have with what you wrote is “when I ask him” regarding the drugs. in my opinion, if this is an issue you’ve expressed before, you shouldn’t have to ask in order for him to (hopefully) be honest with you.
you can’t change people unless they want to be changed. it doesn’t sound like he is willing to change or wants to. you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. five years is a long time, but it’s also a long time to be unhappy, worried, and wondering if he’s continuing to do drugs behind your back. you can decide whether you want to give it another go talking to him about your feelings, or leave to find someone that coincides with your belief system more.
Dump him until he respects women.
I told him I went through his phone and what I found and was visibly very upset about it. He said he was ‘fuming’ that I went through his phone to try and find things to spite him and has left our home (obviously not the case).
Is this the best you can do? You’ve been dealing with this crap for 5 years.
He’s 👏not 👏going 👏to 👏change👏. So accept he does drugs behind your back and trades porn with his buddies🙄. Start doing drugs yourself so you don’t care. Or dump his ass. He can’t be worth all this aggravation.
Thanks everyone for your input. I’ve left him which he can’t accept. He keeps saying how we’ve been together for 5 years and I’m quick to give to and get rid of him.