Travel is a big passion of mine… I’ve done a decent amount, but once I had kids, the travel part of my life took a big back burner. Which is fine, I don’t expect to galavant around the world as a mom. We travel as a family when we can, and my husband and I have done some trips on our own too, just the 2 of us. I can’t complain all that much.
But I am a wanderluster at heart, feeling so stuck in the boring suburbs and just wanting to explore more. My husband likes to travel, but isn’t as much of a free spirit as me. I’d love to road trip but the idea stresses him out, so we don’t. I’d be on a mini exploration every month if I could make it work. (Or afford it, haha) I don’t know if he truly can relate to this part of my personality.
He works a standard 9-5 and I have my own small business. I work damn hard, many crazy hours, but my schedule is a bit more fluid. I work a lot of weekends and this summer I’m home with our pre teens for a few weeks at a time with nothing to do during the week. Those empty days with nothing to do can be long and brutal.
So I casually mentioned taking the kids somewhere with me for a few days next week and my husband got all bent out of shape that it’s not fair to him. He’s upset we will be leaving him alone (and also because he is on a work trip this week and isn’t seeing much of us- he says he was really looking forward to seeing us all next week). I wouldn’t normally ask to take the kids somewhere right after he comes home from being away, so we could be together as a family- but it makes the most sense for my schedule and the kids schedule, if we are to go somewhere, to go next week.
My feeling is, if I’m in charge of them and figuring out activities to keep them occupied, shouldn’t it be my choice if I want to take them somewhere to do something interesting for 2 nights? I’m not talking about leaving him for weeks at a time, and it would be somewhere within a couple of hours drive. Also- he’s working during the day!!! So the only time we would even have together would be a couple of hours at night.
Part of the problem is that he also doesn’t really enjoy being in the house alone, whereas I’d love it if he took our kids somewhere for a few days (who are we kidding- wouldn’t most parents enjoy a bit of time in their house alone?!?!! This has always baffled me about him) I also think he maybe resents when my daughters and I have fun without him. I’m always encouraging him to enjoy himself and get away with friends; but it’s rarely reciprocated. I often feel a guilt trip when I want to do something fun, either by myself, with friends, or with the kids, that doesn’t involve him.
I feel like my husband and I don’t have to be attached at the hip all of the time and some time apart is healthy. And as the kids get older, I’d love to have some mom/daughter trips, more weekends with friends, etc. I’m starting to feel resentful of my husband and that he kind of tries to hold me back sometimes. I would like to add that we/I travel within our means so I know it’s not an issue with me blowing through money to take extravagant trips. I’m careful about that. It’s just about trying to get away here and there and feed this thirst in me, and in this case, share my passion with my daughters.
I don’t know… am I being selfish???? Like I said, we do get away when we can but I’ve aIso been holding myself back. I know I’m a wife and mom first but I feel like I’ve been repressing this important part of me.
7 comments
No, you are you first then a wife then a mom.
I think you two need to work more on the communication and exploring his feelings and insecurities. What is he really worried about… why doesn’t he like to be alone… was he abandoned as a child… why doesn’t he put himself first… what is his self esteem like…
>if I’m in charge of them and figuring out activities to keep them occupied, shouldn’t it be my choice if I want to take them somewhere to do something interesting for 2 nights?
Since you’re already alienating your husband with that attitude I guess you have to ask yourself if you want to drive the point home by lording your control of his children over him too.
You’re not being selfish at all. My mom made sure my sister and I went on trips (and we still try to as adults) with just her. We went on plenty of family trips as well. Tbh I think it’s selfish of him to get bent out of shape about it. Especially if he shoots you down time after time when you ask for weekend getaways and whatnot. He doesn’t have to fully grasp your wanderlust, but he needs to respect it. You are both still individual people, you still have different interests and have different needs. If you haven’t already I would tell him this (be as direct as possible because most men can’t read between lines to save their life) and that you are becoming resentful.
He expressed that he is missing his family due to a work trip and you propose to extend his sadness because your pleasure trip’s timing is convenient to you.
Do I have that right? If so, yes you are.selfish. putting your pleasure before his desire to be with his family, knowing this will cause him some distress.
Nice justification for taking kids away from their dad, you will kill it in a custody hearing.
I’m going to say that yes, you are being a little selfish. If he’s going out of town for a week then that’s the perfect time to take off with the kids, not just as he gets home. Discussing and planning ways that you both can win here is your best bet.
You’re not being selfish. Let go of the guilt, go on the trip, and enjoy yourselves. It’s only 2 days. He’ll be okay.
Your daughters are too young to remember a trip and they don’t care about you sharing your passion with them. And they have their own personalities and they may not like travelling. You are actually being rather selfish to drag them along without giving them a choice. I think you have this idea if you catch them young you can ram the wanderlust desire into them then later when they are older the 3 of you can gang up on your husband.
When they are older around 9 or 10 then there will be plenty of time to take them on trips. My parents used to drag us on family vacations in the car every holiday when we were young and it was hell. As we got older my sister and I fought harder and harder with them. I was active about it with lots of screaming my sister was passive and always seemed to have “camp” or a friend who’s family just happened to invite her during the same time as my parents were wanting to go. Ultimately we wore them both down and by age 13 they were just too tired to fight with us anymore and they would go on their 8 hour car vacation trips by themselves while Grandma watched us. Then a few years later Grandma wasn’t watching us and we had the house to ourselves when they were gone and we loved it. It was truly a vacation to us and it was pathetic to watch them try guilting us beforehand into going or “you missed so much” nonsense when they came back.
I did some trips as a young adult but by age 40 I was done with it. I realized people were the same everywhere. Once every 5-8 years I might contemplate a trip but to me they are mainly a huge nuisance. My parents still are doing the trip thing though in their 80’s just on airplanes now. Great, as long as they leave me out of it. One more stupid tradition NOT passed down.
Since your husband wanted to see the kids then arrange a care trade with another mother to watch them during the day. Then your husband gets them when he comes home. It’s actually critically important for their child development for him to establish a separate relationship with them that does not include you, he should have no problems caring for them and if he makes some mistakes he will learn. (you might have a mess to clean up when you get home of course)
It is also critically important that you have your own things to do separate from the family to recharge your batteries. Tell your husband that you are going on the trip to be able to be a better mother and wife when you get back, and he is just going to have to suck it up. Don’t argue or explain further just go. If he keeps up the whining you can tell him “I don’t find having sex with a 5 year old having a temper tantrum to be that interesting, but that is what you are acting like right now”
It’s not your responsibility to entertain him. He needs to find things to do and he won’t do it if you are entertaining him. He is a big boy and took care of himself before you got married he hasn’t forgotten how. Please do not coddle him you don’t want 3 children in the house do you? He’s a grown-ass adult with a fucking JOB for fucks sake he can heat up a TV dinner in the microwave. Sheesh!!!! Treat him like a man and he will live up to it, treat him like a child with all this touchy feely “feelings” bullcrap and you will emasculate the poor guy.