27(M). I wanted to learn more about *responsive desire* I kept seeing in comment threads of a few posts lately.
I’m not too far in because the book is just over 11 hours lol. Though I already got the feeling I wasn’t going to like what I heard.
This shouldn’t come as a shock to you, but I haven’t heard it addressed yet in the book so I’ll say it: *men want to feel desired too.*
I have no doubt there are men out there who are comfortable initiating 100% of the time. I however am not one of them.
So what am I supposed to do? Hold out and hope I meet a woman who experiences spontaneous desire like I do?
Or just *MaN uP* and live with the fact that the vast majority of women don’t initiate regularly?
Maybe someone who has finished the whole book can tell me if this is addressed later?
Disclaimer: I know a lot of you love this book, so please don’t crucify me. I’m just trying to get a better idea of what I need to do.
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how far in to the book are you? because she literally goes over all of this in introduction and first chapter.
The target audience for this book is women. I believe she even mentions that within the first few chapters. All the pdf and journal work is about women.
It’s about the physiology of a woman’s sex organs and the psychology of the female brain in regards to sex all in the context of feeling more comfortable exploring sex and getting pleasure from it. There’s really nothing in there about desire unless you frame it in the context of desiring yourself and being comfortable with yourself and your sexual wants and needs.
None of that to say your feelings aren’t valid, but this won’t be the book that solves your problem.
women are typically a lot more shy than men
them initiating and getting rejected is a massive blow to their confidence
youre supposed to initiate and make the sex so
good to the point where she initiates
What you do is communicate. Ask for what you want, how you want to be treated. You can’t go into relationships with laundry lists of specific points, but you can certainly communicate that you want a partner who is mutually into you sexually and comfortable expressing that. That you envisage a roughly equal level of initiation (but aren’t interested in tit-for-tat). That you find it sexy when someone compliments you or gives encouraging feedback (or even constructive criticism).
Use your words.
I love Nirvana too.
Idk, I initiate a lot more than my boyfriend, i would say 70% of time. I don’t think it’s that unusual. We have pretty open communication about sex and early in our relationship he communicated he likes when I initiate, we also talked about giving each other compliments so it makes us feel good.
There are high-libido women out there. Just like there are low-libido men out there. Don’t let your fearful expectations stop you before you even get started.
I feel like you’re just trying to find a reason why this specific book that was written for women isn’t fair to you. The book isn’t about you. And that’s ok.
Since you’re chafing at the unfairness of the traditional gender paradigms, you might try Rebel Love by Dr. Chris Donaghue.
Man here. Step one, finish the book. It will explain how the brain is the biggest sex organ women have and how context has a huge influence on desire and drive.
While the advice and exercises are primarily aimed at women as they are the ones who have had their sexuality suppressed for centuries, it can certainly apply and be used by men too.
My basic takeaway from the book was that both partners (or even all people involved) need to communicate their needs and make sure that they have a comfortable and supportive environment in which to express themselves.
so i actually looked up the percentage of women who experience responsive desire, because i see that label applied to a lot of people who could easily just be incompatible with their partner, or who have issues with sex in general and therefor avoid initiating, or who adhere to rigid gender roles, or who just don’t want to do the work or are afraid of rejection.
i found one study, which said like like 30% of women experience responsive desire. i’ve ever read the book, but from reading posts by people who have, it’s always been presented like *most women* have responsive desire. if that’s how it’s presented, then that’s probably not accurate. but, on the plus side, you can definitely find women who will initiate.
i also think it’s a weird label, because it basically describes what a lot of people now call non-sex-repulsed asexuality, or i guess cupiosexuals. that doesn’t seem right to me, that most women would feel that way.