Firstly, I need to apologise for the long post, I know it’s a lot lol. So I (22F) have been dating my bf (23M) for around 1.5 years and we’ve been long distance for 1 year.
I just got back from visiting him a week ago, and we’ve been transitioning back to LDR communication, which can be challenging after we spend time in person and establish a rhythm while living together briefly.
So on the phone, it started out very nice and sweet, and we decided to answer a few quizzes together. It started of well, until the question of if we were granted a wish, which option we would choose. He chose to go to the moon and I chose world peace (corny, I know). He started explaining why he wouldn’t choose my answer because the universe has a natural order of things and humans should come together organically etc etc, and while I value the initial discussion and his input, at some point it started feeling like he was just telling me why my wish was wrong or nonsensical. I suggested we move onto the next question, but he still wanted to continue the discussion. I feel my reasoning for my choice isn’t relevant to this post, but I said that while he had a point and that I understood his perspective, it’s a very “sci-fi concept”. This immediately triggered him, he said that it felt very condescending. I completely understood why, and apologised instantly- I had meant that the idea of humans uniting as a race organically has only been seen in science fiction media, and in our entire existence as a race I don’t think that’s ever happened. But I could totally see how without my explanation, it would definitely sound condescending and I said sorry for making him feel that way. He responded with a very curt “I don’t want to have this conversation anymore”, and I said okay, let’s talk about something else then. But he continued about how he felt upset by how I expressed myself, I tried to hear him out, and I apologised again. I elaborated on what I was intending to convey, but also reiterated that my explanation wasn’t an excuse (only offering context to my intentions) and that I was really sorry for making him feel condescended. But he kept on going on, and the tone became a little accusatory. I told him the tone wasn’t necessary and he could’ve expressed himself in a nicer way – to which he responded with “oh so now you’re turning it around on me”. I tried to remain completely calm and say that his feelings were completely valid and I wasn’t turning it around on him, but I would appreciate if we had this convo in a more understanding tone. I don’t remember the specifics of what he said after that but he kept the mean tone. Eventually however, I lost my patience and said that this entire time he’d been attacking and dissecting my choice and telling me why what I chose was wrong, when I didn’t do that to his choice. It was just a wish, what’s wrong with wishing for world peace? He got quiet and said maybe we should take a step back and reconvene at a later time, which made me feel like i was being crazy because that only become an option when I got triggered, not when he did.
Anyway, took a step back, and we spoke about 1.5 hrs later, I said that “listen, I know when we’re triggered with each other, it can be difficult expressing affection and love, but could we make the effort to speak to each other without contempt in our tone?” He got really defensive, saying that I had unreasonable expectations for him, that when he’s triggered he can’t regulate his expression and his inner child comes out. He said he’s been working really hard in therapy for the last year, and I’m putting more pressure on him to do more, and that the best way for these moments is to disengage. Again I tried to validate his feelings and I said that I wasn’t singling him out, I said that I’m guilty of the same thing sometimes and I would want to work on this together as a couple. I also agreed that while disengaging is great, we will still inevitably interact with each other while triggered and it can be hurtful to hear a spiteful and angry tone, so we could maybe just try to be more conscious in our communication with each other. I acknowledged his hard work in therapy and said I was really proud of him for that, I wasn’t trying to gloss over that at all.
But at this point I’m so hurt by the whole interaction I’m just in tears and crying silently, I’m feeling very upset, unloved, and unheard. I don’t know what to do, how do I express my needs to him in a way that he doesn’t feel attacked, and how do I improve my communication with him in general? Any advice would be so appreciated, and would happy to provide more context if needed.
TLDR; my bf and I had an intellectual discussion that turned into an argument about how we communicate with each other?
8 comments
He sounds super insecure, is that what he is working on in therapy? Like i get what ‘triggered’ you in this conversation but what set him off – the sci-fi comment?
> I feel my reasoning for my choice isn’t relevant to this post
Did you guys discuss your reasoning?
I’m of the opinion that he was triggered at your finding his opinion condescending, because it is a pretty condescending one really. We’ve had thousands of years to come together organically and we’re still fighting each other. What does ‘the natural order of the universe’ even mean when you really get down to it?
Should we not attempt to slow down climate change because it’s in the natural order of things to happen? Should we stop doing scientific research to prolong life or prevent illness or just make things better in some way, if it’s ‘unnatural’ to change the course of things? Should man have ever invented the wheel?
I don’t know, I’m theorising here of course. But it does seem like an extreme reaction on his part, not necessarily something you’ve been doing wrong (and even if it was wrong, you’ve apologised, tried to explain your perspective and moved on, why isn’t he able to do the same?)… He just seems to have gone way overboard in his response.
You’ve been putting up with his need to pick fights over nothing for *how* long??
When was this relationship *not* exhausting?
You’re both a couple of dorks looking for something to fight about. You two started an argument with each other (with each of you doing it in the same way, by the way) over world peace. You’ll fight over anything.
You improve your communication by not going out of your way to argue and criticize.
“He got really defensive, saying that I had unreasonable expectations for him, that ***when he’s triggered he can’t regulate his expression and his inner child comes out.***”
He’s an adult. He should be able to control his emotions.
Topics to avoid with partners: religion, politics, and world peace
So what actually happened is he criticised your choice, berated you over it, and when you asked to move on he refused and continued to go on about it. Then you tried to argue back, he got very defensive and turned it around on you and criticised you for trying to argue back. You apologised and tried to be empathetic, and he continued to criticise and berate you until finally you told him he was being unkind. He got even more defensive and gave you the silent treatment. When you finally spoke again, you asked for a kind tone in future situations and he got defensive again.
I don’t need to tell you how incredibly unhealthy that is. It’s impossible to resolve conflict with someone who criticises and berates you and refuses to accept responsibility for it. You didn’t cause an argument, you were in an unwinnable situation where every time you tried to get out, he attacked you again. At best he has no self awareness and needs tons of therapy, at worst he’s abusive.