I (24M) will quickly become attached to a woman if and when she lets me show her physical (non-sexual) affection. If a woman shows *me* physical affection, I’m 100% not thinking about anyone else for days after.
So my question is; would I be putting myself at a disadvantage if I refused to do anything beyond maybe a quick kiss on the cheek or lips? At least until I know that whoever I’m seeing wants to be exclusive.
I know this might sound excessive, but I want to try to protect myself and not get emotionally attached before I know that they feel the same way. And unfortunately, cuddling and non sexual stuff like that releases oxytocin.
16 comments
Exclusivity can be rescinded at anytime regardless of how you feel about the person or the relationship.
Learning how to process romantic rejection is better than implementing a bunch of measures to try to avoid it.
None I love someone attached to me I miss having someone attached !! But make sure she feels the same about you !!
The problem I would have is I’d want to know if they are even a good kisser before things went further lol
Ok so heres the thing, if you guys dont know that youre ohysically compatible, you could still end up getting hurt because a lot of people bail out of new relationships if their first physical encounter shows they are not physically compatible
Very few people are going to agree to exclusivity without determining physical chemistry to at least some level.
I would not date someone I could not be affectionate with, even for a limited time. It’s unnatural relationship progression, I want to enjoy the relationship to the fullest
I think you’d get friend-zoned a lot, even if you explain why you’re withholding affection. We need to test our physical chemistry with a guy to see if it’s worth continuing to see him. No affection would mean no spark, therefore we wouldn’t be interested in dating.
Physical chemistry is important for a healthy relationship. And so is having the confidence to be vulnerable and show affection. Withholding it is manipulative and can turn people off.
I was on a second date with a woman whom I began showing my physical affection to. Putting my hand on her arm, shoulder, even hugging her. Just in case, I had asked her if she is comfortable with that. She smiled and said she really enjoyed it. But I noticed she didn’t reciprocate it at all during the rest of the date. I asked her if she is comfortable reciprocating it, and she gave me no answer but a blank stare. I was really turned off because our physical chemistry did not match up.
Yeah bud, sorry. I get it, but you’ll just give yourself a more complicated way to have people reject you–for being distant, or they may view these measures as a red flag. Avoiding pain is an illusion–stop trying. You need to develop a coping strategy so you can occupy yourself when you get hurt emotionally. It’s going to happen a ton of fucking times, so you’ve got plenty of time to experiment. That’s the best way to prepare. Eventually, you’ll aquire a thicker skin for this sort of thing as long as you’re choosing to live deliberately about it, rather than letting it “happen” to you. The way to accelerate the process so you’re in a more comfortable stage–increase your opportunities for experience, aka date more.
Another thing that I’m sensing about your situation, you need to be the one to call it off more often. The way your message reads, it’s kind of implied that you’re holding out longer and then ultimately getting dumped. This is part of your emotional dilemma. When it’s not working out, or you see the red flags and deal breakers, rip off that bandage. You’ll build your self-esteem this way because you’re enforcing standards of worthiness in your life. If you’re usually the one getting dumped, that’s really tough for anyone’s self-esteem because you’re relinquishing your empowerment and putting your worthiness in someone else’s hands.
As a man it’s a death blow. You need to grow comfortable with being rejected.
Rejection is hard, but finding love is an inherently risky process. You won’t be able to find a relationship with such walls up and truthfully even with them, there’s no way to guarantee you won’t get hurt. People can and do break up at every level of commitment. I would highly recommend therapy if you’re so scared of attachment you would go to these extreme lengths.
Why would that ever be bad? I’m only physical when exclusive and so are many other people.
The key to this stuff is communication. Don’t leave people in the dark wondering how you feel about them. If this is a boundary you have, communicate that. Check in with potential partners to let them know how you’re feeling.
There are also plenty of people who don’t multi-date to begin with, so finding something exclusive isn’t necessarily that hard.
It will mean fewer women will be interested. That’s not necessarily a bad thing; not every potential date is the right match.
I would say for me (31F) physical touch is the main thing that divides my romantic interests from my friendships. I find it difficult to reactivate the physical affection part if I’ve put that on hold. If I can’t touch him on the arm while flirting or don’t get a hug at the end of the date, I would definitely feel like it was friendship-only vibes.
It would be a lot harder for me to have romantic interest if my date wouldn’t show affection until we both formally agreed to a commitment.
You really are overthinking this.
Speak to a therapist about this _protection_.
I understand your hesitation but without physical affection, or that oxytocin then how are your partners supposed to form a connection with you? If you’re basing it on the chemical reaction the. You are effectively cutting that partner out from also catching feelings …
Even religious women expect a guy to make a move and have to “fight” or put him off after a few dates. Even religious women will start looking for loopholes in the rule set to get her kicks.
No action = you will likely get dumped around date 2 or 3 by most women. She won’t think you are interested. Some women will get really pissed at getting rejected.