I’ve been dating a guy for about two months and things have been great until recently. Recently I’ve been feeling anxious and a little nervous that he’s pulling away. It’s strange because we just went away together last Thursday night and then spent Friday and Sunday together. All was great until I started over thinking Monday morning. I do think this is a personal issue that I should work on but bottom line is I don’t want to mess things up.
Question for the men out there (and women but curious about the male perspective) — if I’m noticing possible pulling away behavior or maybe “shorter” texting conversations, is it wise to stop initiating contact and see how he responds? Right now we don’t have any set plans to hang out and that makes it tough to look forward to something and keep up with a conversation. It feels like we aren’t working towards something if that makes sense.
I don’t like games but is he becoming bored with less of a chase? I typically have no shame in asking him to make plans and it’s been prettty two sided for the most part but I just want him to want me and to want to spend more time together. It might be starting to feel forced. I’m just confused! Help!
38 comments
Card carrying member of the male gender here.
You’re overthinking it.
Here, I made a Punnett square to oversimply why you should tell your anxious brain to shut up in situations like this where there are zero obvious issues:
https://i.imgur.com/vsd6rbM.png
Carry on as normal, Monday morning as in yesterday? Too small a sample size, but just see how things go for the next few days. Yes energy shift is a thing and often has meaning, but you need more data in terms of change in behaviour to be clear it’s that for you to bring it up.
You’re most likely overthinking it. It’s really really normal for texting to slow down after a couple of months, especially if you were texting all day every day initially. Eventually you just start to run out of worthwhile things to talk about.
Think about the reasons you are initiating conversations. Do you have something worthwhile and meaningful to say, or is it just because you want to talk to him? If it’s the latter then I do recommend initiating less. Remember that you both have lives outside of each other. Try not to focus your entire life around him.
As a matter of interest, what is the other “pulling away behaviour” that you have been noticing?
I dated a woman that was doing a lot of over thinking and she would just sit me down and talk about it. We came up with a plan every time we were parting ways we would always have plans for next time. It took the guessing and overthinking out of it. Was kind of nice
There’s nothing good whatsoever about a “chase.” He could just be getting more comfortable with you, plenty of people don’t like to text a lot. You said that making plans has been two sided, so initiate plans and see how he responds.
Hi, I’m 34f and I often feel like this too, so just want you to know that you’re not alone! I definitely have an anxious attachment style and have to work hard to talk myself down because I build up these “what if” scenarios when I don’t hear from someone I’m dating, or if the communication feels off. Usually it’s nothing to worry about.
If things go further with this guy, maybe bring up that the change in texting style made you a little nervous. I had this conversation with my last bf and through it he became very aware of how certain things he was doing or not doing was inadvertently causing me anxiety.
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Sounds like you’ve been texting and hanging out too frequently – maybe your social cadence is organically regressing to something more sustainable for him. I’ve never liked anyone so much that I can speak to them endlessly without getting some fatigue and running out of stuff to say. It’s quite possible that he’s smitten with you AND just needs some space to himself. Do you have other friends you can text during the day?
At the beginning if there is a strong connection, and you both are aligned, there can be above and beyond effort to schedule plans, meetup, and learn everything about that person. Once you’ve explored a fair amount of things, its only natural that things will slow down, and the test to see how compatible you actually are together starts to come into play. This isn’t a bad sign, it just means you are transitioning to the next phase, which comes with a new set of challenges, depth, and rewards or disappointment.
Not a male, but every single article or video about dating self help advice (from men) strongly emphasized to keep yourself as busy as possible and live your best life and let him come to you. If you’re not exclusive, consider going on other dates, too.
As a man, I’d prefer you just ask. Use your words and whatnot. I’ll answer if I’m not busy, but I’ll get back to you in a reasonable amount of time.
Just straight up ask him and save yourself some emotional calories
A man pulling away happens in person first. Proceed as normal and see how you’re next hang out is.
Post-nut clarity.
My gf is always telling me I need to text more, like when the relationship started. It drives me nuts, I don’t have anything to say that’s new every freaking day! She knows about my past well enough… Can I not save some conversation for when we are in person?
She keeps comparing the first few weeks of the relationship to what we have 4 years later.
if you think it’s worth it, put a little effort in to show your presence would make his life better/ more effective. Pulling away can perpetuate the feedback loop of you both pulling away. If you think it’s worth saving, try a little harder to plan something fun or useful that you’d both enjoy – but that you suspect he would enjoy and not have to put a *ton* of effort into.
(32M) here. Others have brought this up, but just to add my perspective perspective:
It’s possible he’s just settling in a little. Its exciting to meet someone you click with, so it’s easy to spend a lot of time doing stuff together. More nights out/off his routine could have him feeling tired, and this could just be him finding a comfortable pace.
If I were him, I would be elated if you asked me for some clarity. I’m bad a reading cues but I’m aware that sometimes I’m not very clear myself, so quick little check ins help me feel grounded.
Also: the chase is WAY overrated
I dont think it means he’s pulling away. Ppl get busy. As for “games” etc..just be upfront..make plans yourself. Speaking as a guy i would be thrilled with the woman making plans.
Urgh, stop with the “male” and “female”.
>is it wise to stop initiating contact and see how he responds?
Why are we playing games? No, he’s not a science experiment.
>Right now we don’t have any set plans to hang out
Why don’t you make some then?
>I just want him to want me and to want to spend more time together
You can’t force these things, they take time. Chill.
>It might be starting to feel forced
Then don’t force it!
Have you two had sex?
How was it for you? Be honest….we are all adult-ish peeps in here.
How was it for him? Is he telling you the truth?
Is him pulling away a non-verbal? Does he feel apprehensive to tell you what he wants in the bedroom?
You don’t have to answer, obviously…..just let these bounce around in your skull.
People pull away when they are having second thoughts. Give him some space and plan some fun things for yourself. If he wants to see you he will ask.
You: “I don’t like games”
Also you: “should I play a game where I don’t talk and he has to figure out what’s wrong?”
No. You should not play that game. Chill the fuck out. He needs air. Let him have some. If a week from now it feels weird still, say “hey you cool? You’ve been distant these past weeks, maybe since we went away?”
His response will be either:
1- yes, I am cool, thought we got to a place where we were more comfy. Sorry, maybe I’m taking you for granted let’s get a nice dinner.
Or
2- yeah your breath stinks so bad in the morning I couldn’t bear it and I can’t get the whiff out of my beard. Sorry it’s over kthxbye
No. games. Never. none. no. If I had a newspaper I’d roll it up right about now.
Just be patient then be direct.
Me as a man i like having space, if I spend Friday to Sunday with a woman I don’t expect to see them til anytime after Thurs….unless the woman reaches out to me sooner and wants to hang out
Once I know she’s wanting to spend time then I’ll set something up like go out to eat or just say let’s have a movies and cuddle and sex night
OP your relationship is still new so you’re still learning the communication styles of each other and the small things
What about just asking him how he’s doing? Maybe he’s stressed at work or something.
Sounds like you are way overthinking things IMO.
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>is he becoming bored with less of a chase?
I’ve personally never known or met a man who likes “the chase.” I’m sure there are some who do like it but I’ve yet to meet any. Chasing is nothing more than games 20 yr old’s play.
Also, you’ve been dating for around 2 months so I assume you have been texting/calling as well as actually getting together quite often. My bet is that the “honeymoon” phase may just be wearing off/down and he’s seeing you as someone he’s actually in a relationship with and no longer see’s the need to make a great impression on or impress. He’s probably more comfortable with how everything is now. I always start out much more enthusiastic about someone in the beginning in every way but once it’s been established there is mutual attraction and interest, and/or are dating, the enthusiasm gets toned down a bit. If that makes sense. Doesn’t mean he’s losing interest at all, though. Obviously it’s possible but it’s hard to say with what you’ve provided.
Not a man, but I’ve experienced this before. Learning about how men “rubber band” has been very helpful and I don’t take it personally anymore
I agree with u/Manners2210 that energy shift is thing and has meaning. What it means is hard to say. It’s possible that he’s losing interest in the relationship…
OTOH, I’m with you and I *hate* games and the idea of a “chase.” Maybe he’s the type of guy who gets turned off by a woman who initiates contact too frequently, but not all guys are like that; I’m certainly not.
I would just speak out your thoughts. Ask him if he’s having doubts.
You’ve made a few posts about this guy, yea? I don’t think it’s great how this is triggering so much uncertainty in you. I think you have to analyze how much of it is your brain misfiring and how much if it is based on you not getting what you want and not communicating that out of fear. Change in vibe and interest are real things, but only a day has passed. Unless he’s being incredibly rude and curt, seems like it’d be hard to say for sure. What I find more troubling is that you’ve been having worries since the beginning and making posts about him.
OP. Male here. You’re overthinking this way too much. If it’s truly bothering you, which I suspect it is, ask him. You haven’t provided much info such as what both your long term expectations are (with or without each other). Regardless, neither of you have time to waste playing the guessing game. Pro tip: men appreciate directness.
I think you should ask. I’m favoring the straightforward approach now. It’s easy to be observant and just see what the other person is doing, but I’m tired of asking careful, pokey exploratory questions. A direct (but polite) question: “You’ve been distant recently. Are things ok between us?” or whatever else you want to ask- you just need to know so you can deal with whatever it is that comes up. If he says it’s nothing, then you have to tell him that the way he is acting is affecting you, so maybe you can help him with whatever it is. So no matter what the outcome of the conversation is, you’re going to learn something about him that will be useful.
Had this issue with my ex.
That is all.
Maybe just ask after a couple days, suggest something to do. Or ask when he’d like to see you again. Try to get the thing that you’re overthinking about.
You just spent three days together non stop. I am sure you talked a lot. I think it’s natural to not need as text as much. I would try and calm down. He might be pulling away but I would not change your habits unless you want to.
Yeah mirror his texting patterns I’ve read.
Maybe he is pulling away, maybe y’all are starting to get comfortable where he’s okay not being hyper vigilant about every interaction, maybe one of a million things. Best to just have the conversation with him if he’s happy with how things are and where you want things to go.
I remember I dated an overthinker. We’d see each other and she was like, “last week when you said this,” and I’d be like, “Oh I probably meant that.” And it’d be cleared up in a second.
Worst thing you can do is give a test. If you pull away to test him, he could pull away because he thinks you’re not interested or are angry with him. Or it works and you do it more, leading to terrible shit in the relationship over time. He might have other shit going on and you could be taking his lack of engagement personally or maybe he’s not expressing it in the ways you want or in the moments you want. Or he’s losing interest for one reason or another. It’s really a pile of maybes. But best to just check in next time you see him, and keep it a conversation and not a demand list.
You have to think if you pull away hoping he’ll fill the gap, why wouldn’t he think that you’re losing interest?
I hate dating games, and this sounds like a game to me.
If you feel he’s pulling away, give him the space. Don’t push it or bring it up and above all don’t overthink it as difficult as it might be.