I’m currently in my early 30’s and only realized the past few years that I had many issues stemming from an un-nurturing mother for as long as I can remember. Growing up all the way into my mid 20’s I was a very socially awkward, shy and unconfident individual with no set life path or support. I also blew off a lot of potential relationships due to being extremely needy, wanting constant attention, I was pretty much the dreading “nice guy” which I shudder to think “What the F was I doing back then”.
Since going to therapy and learning my mom seen me as a therapist (telling me deep shit children should not hear) and just as a child trophy to tick off the list, I gradually came to accept it and have gotten slowly better over the past few years.
Now I am socially outgoing, confident and trying my best to make the most of my life. The most I have seen is just accepting others and not being needy. If a girl I asked out said they are not into me great, if this girl wants to date me, great. I now no longer care what attention I get and let others live their own lives and only care about my own wellbeing before others. It is hard at times without any family and trying to support myself through this godforsaken economy/society, but I would say I’m in a better position.
4 comments
I have serious issues trusting women. I dont know when/how itll get fixed. Probably some need of therapy. Childhood trauma glues itself to your soul.
I went through 2 toxic relationships and 2 stints of therapy; I also ran away from home at 18 and temporarily cut ties
I learned a lot everytime and finally found an understanding woman at a time I had the knowledge to navigate issues healthily
You gotta focus on yourself first. Feel complete before you commit to anyone on person, and make sure that person is truly a good understanding person
Leaving was a good thing; gave me the space to start doing things for myself and not feeling threatened or pressured
I was lucky to have my brother to help me during several rough times
I’m fine now, maybe could use one more series of therapy, but I’m a lot better and I even managed to make up with my mom a bit by keeping a distance
Know your worth and find people who can support you by affirming it.
Some years ago I decided to cut all contact with my father. A few years prior I cut contact with my mother. I am confident in this decision.
I’ve only had two dating/relationship experiences since then. Both women disagreed strongly with my conviction. The second one I dropped pretty quickly. The next woman I’m with will be someone who respects this boundary I’ve created for myself, even if she does not understand it.
And certainly part of my general disinterest in dating and my negative “juice is not worth the squeeze” mentality is due to my hatred for and fear of my mother, who really is a demon straight from hell (just trust). Before I try to date again I’ll be addressing this in therapy. I owe it to myself to address this baggage and if there is indeed a woman out there who is worth the effort, then she deserves a version of me who has at least started addressing these issues and made a little progress.
I grew up extremely attached to my mother. She was my world.
We grew up poor so I was always worried us kids would get taken away from her.
I didn’t realize it until my late 20s because I spent the majority of my 20s in a very unhealthy relationship with someone just as badly dependent as myself, but I suffer from very bad attachment anxiety with girls.
I’ve given therapy a try and it hasn’t really helped much.