Is it normal to get so nervous you want to puke, and you don’t really sleep well the night before, the day before your first date with someone?

48 comments

1. It’s common, it’s not normally. If you’re this anxious then you need to step back and adjust your mindset. Instead of viewing a date as a last chance to meet someone to fulfill all of your dreams, view it as a chance to just meet another human and see if you get along. For me, I had to do a lot of digging to unravel my anxiety about scarcity and relationships and proving my worth to other people. Now if I meet someone and it’s not a match, it’s not a big deal. Previously, it was devastating. You can shift this but it’ll require a lot of mindset reframing.

2. This is 100% me. I was so anxious and nervous over a date once that I could barely eat for an entire week. I ended up losing 7lbs. I also couldn’t sleep or really even function leading up to the date. Worst part was the date was a total flop. He was a smoker and didn’t disclose that and looked nothing like his pictures or even selfies he sent me. I waste so much time and energy being nervous and I hate it. Sorry you’re experiencing this too, it’s awful.

3. I have no appetite on first dates. I’m not very nervous, but my appetite is the first thing to go.

4. I don’t have anxiety but a friend that does gave me advice for first dates. The only goal is a possible second date. The goal isn’t having a partner or a marriage. This helps me a lot because I was trying to determine if I wanted to marry the person, but now I only need to determine if I want to go on another date with the person.

   Also as an introvert I try to set the date at a place I’m familiar and comfortable with. If we are far apart distance-wise then I try to pick a Starbucks or chain restaurant at least. Then only one thing is new

5. Your therapist was right but finish that thought with.. anxiety is the same energy frequency as excitement. Reframe the feeling for your mind by telling yourself that you are excited, not anxious. Tell yourself that what you are feeling is excitement and list out the reasons why you are excited.
   It can also be helpful to take some of the pressure off by reassuring yourself that you’re just out to have a nice time and meet a new friend. Anxiety is about future thoughts, getting too far ahead, so it can be helpful to tell your brain that you’re just focusing on having a good/fun time and getting to know the person in this moment.

6. Practice in other social settings. Go to a bar and just talk to strangers. Join a professional organization and network at functions. That’s really what a first date is, a conversation.

   Also, maybe switch up the body language a bit. Sitting across from someone can feel like a confrontation or an interview. sitting on adjacent sides of a 4-corner square table or on a bench is less threating from a body language point of view.

7. I struggle with severe anxiety, and I started using CBD. I recommend looking into it.

8. I have an anxiety disorder that is well controlled.

   Do you take anything? Supplements? Meds?

   Mine is super well controlled naturally. I’ve also done lots of exposure therapy but before something triggering I’ll exercise extra, take my valerian and magnesium Supplements and avoid caffeine. Works for me. Something to think about 🙂

9. I have had this for years, getting so nervous for a date that I wouldn’t be able to eat all day, even had times I had to throw up if I ate anything. Even worse, when I liked someone at uni which I had to see more often, not able to eat actually made me lose a lot of weight. I hated it so much that I actually stopped dating for over 10 years.

   When I finally got back to dating last year I obviously was incredibly nervous, to the point I couldnt eat. But something has changed. Over the years I learnt to accept who I am, anything included. So I was like; ‘Im nervous ,but so what’, ‘I can’t eat, but whatever I will eat tomorrow’. Then over a course of a lot of dates and rejections I applied the same thoughts to dating itself, I would accept any outcome of the date, doesnt matter what. ‘She was nice and doesnt want to see me again, too bad but thats fine”. Exposure helps of course, but it is all about mind set. Today I can truly say Im no longer nervous for any first date! At the moment the nerves return a bit for follow up dates, but whatever, thats who I am and I accept that.

   So my advise is to just accept who you are. It may or may not solve all your nerves, you just got to find out

10. This was 100% me, and I didn’t date for 6 years because of it. One day I just woke up and realized I wanted a meaningful relationship with someone more than the resistance I was feeling because of the nerves. I spent a lot of time vetting the person via messaging before actually meeting him, making sure I wasn’t going through this for no reason (to the best of my ability) if it didn’t work out.

    This was the best decision I’ve ever made, relationship wise. Just pushing through as best as you can, knowing full well it’s probably still going to make you want to throw up, ruin your day, nerves so bad you shake. I did it and I met the love of my life, and I will always look back and thank myself for pushing through and forcing myself out of my comfort zone.

    Hope that helps (25F)

11. I relate. I have bad anxiety, and it is completely illogical how my body reacts.

    There will be a lot of advice about going on more dates, trying not to worry about wanting things to happen, changing mindset, etc.

    But it sounds like you have very real anxiety – a lot of people will not understand. Sometimes there is nothing to settle my mind and body reactions, no matter how much I think logically about a situation, no matter how much I change my mindset.

    The only thing I do is go to therapy, and let my body do flips because it is simply something I cannot control. Nor can I control the date, nor can I control how someone sees me. I just do it regardless, and I know that even if I worry for two days before a date (as I do) at the end of the day, I will still be safe after.

    So I am just here to say, I feel ya! <3.

12. What helped me when I was dating was to go outside and try to interact with people more frequently. Like the dog park, talk to my Uber driver, make small talk at checkout, etc. It made me more comfortable with new people.

13. I think that was a weak response from the therapist. It’s something I’d expect you need to address in some way. Not only does it screw up everything else in your day but it won’t put you in a good position to be a good date and to make sound emotional decisions as you continue dating someone. I’d push for better suggestions.

14. Your anxiety might persist because you’re still viewing first dates as “threatening” and oscillating between avoidance and “white knuckling” your way through. Probably the most helpful approach to an “exposure therapy”-type angle would be setting up a ton of first dates in a row, and trying to visualize accepting the pre-date nervousness as if it was something that is going to be a constant in your life from this point forward. You’re in a cycle of interpreting the nervousness as a threat, which is likely adding to the nervousness. See if you let it be there as if it were a headache: a bothersome physical sensation but something you can let hang out in the background while you do other things.

15. I would highly recommend doing small pre-dates with people to avoid this. Find an hour or two, ideally afternoon or early evening, and just meet for a coffee or a walk in a park. Arrange to meet a friend or something afterwards so you know it won’t overrun. The more casual you can make the first meeting the less pressure leading up to it.

16. You’re shaking “before” the actual date, I call that 1st clue 2nd clue (ie gut feeling ie your soul is speaking to you ie proceed with caution) imagine how you’d feel after the actual date… sometimes it’s best to turn off phones and computers for an hour and just listen to what your body is trying to tell you

17. I would say nerves are normal, but it sounds like you’re into some deep water here.

    >And yet, having a partner and being married is what I want more than anything else in this world.

    Might explain the nerves my friend. Maybe lower the stakes. The goal is to have a nice time and enjoy someone’s company while getting to know them. Don’t have to solve world hunger in the date, just have to show up and look for moments of fun and connection.

    If it makes you feel any better, I definitely feel nerves but ironically usually in the awkward space between first dates and taking next steps. The unanswered questions and lack of assurance around feelings and goals and intentions is far more nerve-wracking to me than the potential of a shitty hour spent with someone whose company I don’t enjoy.

18. I have this same issue. People will say to adjust your mindset but that does nothing for me. Even meeting people I’m not that into or even someone platonic makes me dissociate for the whole day, even after the meeting. I was agoraphobic for a few years, and had severe social anxiety for many many years. I’ve made progress in being able to go to stores and such and interact with people in public without panic attacks but no amount of meeting people from online dating has helped. Essentially any first date for me is a wash and says nothing about my actual personality. I’ve begun telling people this before we meet but the extent to which most people understand is debatable. A lot of people just counter with that they get anxious as well, but I’m hesitant to think its to the same dissociative level or that they really grasp what’s going on physiologically in my body/brain… I wish i had some better answer for you other than just keep trying.

19. I look at statistics. Statistically speaking, this is probably not my person and we probably won’t make it past the first date. If I’m wrong, I’m pleasantly surprised. But I can’t be nervous or disappointed when my expectations are zero. Nervousness comes from expecting too much of a situation. Am I nervous talking to a stranger I randomly met in line at a coffee shop? No. Because I expect nothing from the interaction. Now apply that to dating.

20. Anxiety is normal in new situations sure. Learning to manage it is important. I blush easily and my neck and chest get splotchy when I’m nervous. I literally have to wear high necked clothing and sit in an air conditioner before heading into a first date. Otherwise I’m a red splotchy mess when I meet them and it’s so embarrassing.

21. I am here just to let you know I relate. For me though exposure really did work wonders, and it sounds like that’s not the case for you. I’d get so nervous that I would be on the brink of cancelling the date because I legitimately thought I was sick. I just pushed through it. It sucked for a long time, but around the time I was 32-34 I was going on SO MANY dates. Like I remember one week where I went out with 6 different guys in 7 days. All of a sudden I realized I wasn’t sick with anxiety anymore. I wasn’t running to the toilet constantly leading up to the date. I could eat. In my head it was just “oh I gotta go to this date later today” with little to no feeling behind it. In a way it was kind of sad. It was almost like I was jaded and dates were a chore, but now I can date without it ruining my entire day. And I can show up and feel normal instead of my hands shaking and my thoughts racing so fast I barely can string a sentence together.

22. I’m also very anxious. It’s been a while since I had a first date, but I remember I always suggested just going for a walk or something like that. Never restaurants, not even coffee, lol. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to eat anything.

23. I get nervous on dates all the time. I’ve found that it helps if you tell the other person. Like “Hey, I’m super excited for our date on Friday, but I’m also really nervous. Surprisingly, most girls will understand completely and might ask if there’s anything they can do to help with that. Heck, she might even be nervous herself. Being honest with your date is the best approach IMO.

24. My advice would be don’t reschedule it again.

25. You know, exposure therapy (and its approaches) gets promoted quite often but there are alternatives that are just as effective while being less stressful. The alternative is called ‘titration’. Basically you identify what causes anxiety, then choose the thing that is smallest of all the things provoking anxiety (including the opposite, so anything that feels “relaxing”), and work a bit on that. While getting close to that stimuli/memory, at any point when you go from a 1-3/10 on a scale for anxiety to a 5, you withdraw entirely and ground/selfsoothe. Once that piece is processed, you focus on the transition to feeling empowered vs relaxation on its own (basically returning to homeostasis *and* avoiding leaving you feeling raw before reentering your general life).

    Your therapist is likely right that you can’t eliminate all the anxiety and it’s natural, just like I’ll always be anxious before public speaking no matter how much therapy I undertake. My baseline is also generally higher in anxiety, so it’s unlikely I’ll ever be a 0 or 1/10 on the “overall anxiety” scale no matter what I do. At the same time, I have a habit of wielding my anxiety/nervousness almost like a sledgehammer; instead of listening to myself and preparing for issues like sleep loss, rumination, etc I often think “I’ll just barrel into it until I’m immune or it becomes a strength!” and this…doesn’t usually work 100%. Like maybe I can white knuckle through things, but internally it’s still pretty messy. Sometimes I may even *think* I’m okay, but stepping back I can see my body isn’t happy (like issues with digestion, stress rashes, sweating, etc).

    Maybe focusing on your body’s expressions of anxiety, instead of the thoughts, might be helpful here. It sounds like you’re already trying to apply cognitive approaches, have you been doing anything specifically to lower your heartrate and alleviate physical tension or distress prior to your dates? Do you change your routine to accommodate potential sleep issues (or maybe make sure your general sleep hygiene is on the up and up)? How’s your selfcare routine overall? Do you feel like you have all the tools you need to unwind, even ones that might not feel beneficial in the moment but overall improve your quality of life? That last part was a big thing for me especially, because sometimes self-care is like brushing your teeth: it’s more preventing a worst case scenario, than enjoyable or visibly beneficial while engaging in it

26. oh my, well when someone cancels on me twice i usually consider not seeing them at all. sorry that is happening for you!

    I get so nervous I’ve puked while on a date- run to the bathroom, feel so queasy, can’t focus or enjoy the date- get too worried that the person i’m on a date with will like me or not like me or won’t work out or even the fear that it will work out- so many feelings so rapid-fire, can’t calm down and just spin while on a date even if it’s going great! i’m currently in this zone- feeling nervous days after the first date- scared and excited about the next date.

27. I can’t really relate to this anxiety but if it affects you this strongly is now a good time to even date?

    Have you felt you’re making any progress in managing this?

28. > I’m “just going to have to accept the anxiety” as part of the process.

    Uhh. I mean, yeah, there will be some degree of anxiety regardless, but if your therapist isn’t giving you techniques to mitigate and deal with your anxiety besides “You just gotta accept it” then they’re a shitty therapist.

    >Update: aaaand now date’s canceled for a second time.

    Sounds like it’s time to move on from this gal.

29. Normal to a certain extent, maybe not as much as you described here. I definitely have anxiety, loss of appetite, upset stomach, etc. The more I am looking forward to a date with someone, the less anxiety I feel, actually. More just excited. If I’m feeling “meh”/not sure I’m going to like the person I feel a ton of anxiety and dread. I don’t think there’s much you can do about it except general anxiety-relieving techniques.

30. So I have anxiety, and there is nothing my logical brain can do to alleviate it. The anxiety stems from my limbic/emotional part of me. I can combat it with meditation and yoga. It is never gone but it is more manageable.

    Yours is triggered by having the date set up in the future. Once you are on the date are you okay or are you still a wreck? It would be interesting to see what would happen to you on a surprise date. If you could some how get a friend to set it up and you were just going to dinner with a buddy and then surprise, this is Suzy, and your buddy takes off. You would probably develop anxiety about going to dinner with your friends.

    I really hope you find a solution to this one day.

31. My hands get cold, my heart speeds up, and my voice gets tight about 20 to 60 minutes before we are supposed to meet up for a first date.

    A 10 minute video call before meeting face to face helps a lot.

    Getting a good hard workout in before meeting for the first time helps a lot.

    Joking with her about how I’m nervous to meet her once she arrives always helps. Once she’s laughing my nerves settle.

32. Try last minute speed dating.

33. Um NO. It’s normal to be a little nervous, but not for it to completely ruin your sleep etc. Try propranolol. It gets rid of the physical symptoms of anxiety so you can function. Take it a couple hours before the date. You will feel like a whole new person.

34. Honestly, think meds is your next best bet. It will dull those reactions and give you the space to actually see how/why you feel so intensely before a first date. I had been seeing a therapist for my anxiety because I was equally bad about dating. That in conjunction with an anti-depressant (used for anxiety) has made a WORLD of a difference. I still definitely get anxious and I still have to push myself through uncomfortable moments, but it is manageable now. You don’t have to stay on meds forever, either. It can be a very useful leg up for a time.

35. I vomited 3 x before my first online dating date haha. Now after over 50 or so first dates, I don’t vomit but let’s just say my bowels are well and truly cleansed by the time the date rolls around. The old adage the more you do it, the easier it gets rings true but it’s never easy. They are most likely nervous too. And so many dates are bad, I go into it thinking it’ll probably be bad anyway and it makes it less anxiety provoking. Then i can be pleasantly surprised when my body has realised this is simply a human being and not a threat to my survival.

    Edit, some other things.

    – I’m on an SSRI for anxiety which is a godsend.
    – Sometimes I will cancel because of my anxiety, and that’s ok, some days are better than others.
    – A phone call prior to the date helps immensely.
    – I try to vet people before I meet them, and only put myself through all this if I think there’s potential or I really enjoy talking to them.

    – A lot of people saying this is not “normal”. I guess it’s not but normal is overrated. Try not to wish it away. Think of all the wonderful qualities you likely have because of your anxiety.

36. No, it’s not normal. And that’s OK. Lots of us have anxiety problems. I have ptsd, so that’s where my experience is. As far as I know, exposure therapy works for phobias and maybe ocd, but not ptsd related anxiety. So if you have any trauma history, it makes sense that exposure therapy hasn’t worked for you. You’re not doing anything wrong, it’s just the therapy you chose might be a bad fit for you. But there are a lot of things you can try. It’s important to note that the people with the most success from therapy are the ones who try multiple methods or have therapists who are flexible, so you may have to try out a different therapist than you’re used to.

    Again, I just know about ptsd, but some of these might also apply to other anxiety. There’s EMDR, Internal Family Systems, Somatic Experiencing, Gestalt therapy, DBT, Attachment Theory (esp if you have childhood stuff), biofeedback, magic mushroom therapy, supplements to help serotonin or lower cortisol, weed, and probably more I don’t know about. Basically I think it might make sense to try a new approach to your therapy rather than keeping repeating the same pattern if forcing yourself to date and getting anxious.

37. So like, there’s lots of bad therapists out there. I have heard some absolute horror stories since getting involved in medical administration. I ain’t gonna tell you to fire your therapist, but I will say you might want to talk to a psychiatrist that does medication management. That’s a lot of anxiety you have there. It’s not really a “just deal with it” kind of situation.

38. Not sure if it’s normal but it’s not worth the stress! Too many first dates go nowhere and it’s rarely related to how well you prepared or if you did your hair just right

39. Dude.

    She has cancelled two “first” dates?

    It looks bad, bro.

40. I’m around the same age and I’ve had significant anxiety problems in the past.

    In my opinion, you feel anxious because your brain is in overdrive trying to figure out what it can do to make the date go well because you really want it to go well, both how you do and how the other person lives up to your expectations. The problem is that your brain doesn’t have such powers to control the outside world so it’s driving itself up a wall trying to fix an impossible problem. I’ve found two things help:

    First is to change your mindset about the date and its outcome. Don’t think of the date as a way to get closer to marriage, instead think of it as something that likely has no future consequences. Like you’re going to meet this person, spend a few hours together, and then never see them for the rest of your life. Go in with the idea to have fun with the process but with the expectation that it’s a one time thing. I feel like you’re psyching yourself and considering each date the world series when you should be treating it like batting practice. Of course this is all easier said than done so:

    Do things to address your physical reactions to the stress that the date is bringing with it. I would recommend meditation to help you get better at identifying your thoughts and body’s responses but it’s something you have to put the time into. A couple little things you can do right now are saying to yourself “I am excited” when you are feeling anxious since your body’s reaction to those emotions is similar and in my experience you can kind of trick yourself into having a more positive reaction. Other small thing is the the superman/wonder woman pose. If you Google it there is a TED talk which is worth the watch.

    Lastly I’ve done a lot of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) work with my therapist over the years and that has hands down had the greatest impact on my anxiety. It may be worth it to discuss it with your therapist. There are also a few books out there on it and I would recommend those that have a workbook with them because it doesn’t do much just by reading about it, you have to actually do the exercises to change your automatic thinking and your perception.

41. Maybe you’re hyping it up in your head and then putting too much weight on it 🤔 if you put the person or the date itself on a pedestal before you even meet them or start having unrealistic expectations, you’re bound to be nervous because it’s now this huge event you have to go through.

    Practical advice would be to be honest with the person before you meet up about your nerves. I’ve done this with people and others have done it with me so it just keeps that on the radar for everyone. Also! Huge one for me, do an activity instead of a sit down interview style meal. Bowling, mini golf, arcades, museum or cinema will all be dates where the activity or what your looking at will allow for some distraction so your nerves aren’t completely eating away at you and it your surroundings will also help prompt the conversation. 😊

42. I would go down the why train (asking why) starting with, “why is having a partner and being married what you want more than anything in the world?” Or asked another way, “What’s at stake for you personally if this doesn’t ever happen?”

43. I don’t have much advice but I can tell you this is totally me!! I HATE dating. Online first dating is like going on a first date with a stranger and basically just inventing conversation because the person is so new to you. I think if I let people organically and already knew them it wouldn’t be nearly as awful. I’m not sure how to fix this. What it’s meant for me is that I haven’t dated anyone in like 4 years. I just hate it so much. I want to jump to the “comfortable” stage or at least the “I have a crush on you” stage. Good lord.

44. Yep! I get so nervous days ahead of scheduled date and get these waves of paralyzing fear. I had a date this saturday and I was sitting in my car, hands shaking and sweating. Once I saw him coming my way, it was ‘showtime’ and nerves went away, but yeah I feel ya.

45. I would honestly go with meds at this point. I’m not sure if there are more natural OTC supplements that you can try first that may help with nerves/anxiety and then go to a prescribed medication if that doesn’t work. Supplements take a while to work and you have to play with the dose too. I have performance anxiety/stage fright and been told that propanol or something like it may help with this. You can ask an internist about propanol. I haven’t taken it, but it’s something that is out there if you need help. Also, look up anything that could help you with emotional regulation/vagus nerve stimulation too on top of the meds or before the meds, because it doesn’t sound like exposure therapy is enough or the only approach you should take.

46. I have a long standing anxiety disorder, panic disorder to be exact. The night before anything, whether it’s a test, a date, a big appointment etc. I get 0 sleep because I am up shaking like a crackhead half the night.

    The last date I had, with a girl I really liked, I was extremely nervous (second date) and I didn’t sleep the night before. It was the week after a big job interview which I also barely slept during (I ended up getting the job, at least). Anyway, I decided to push through it because I wanted to show her I was putting in an effort to see her.

    We talked for 5 hours at a bar, in a booth together. But by the second hour I was ready to fall asleep, and it was noticeable. My conversation fell flat, and I think she sensed it. We didn’t go on a third, and I still regret not postponing the date 🙁 I still miss her. I’ve been doing OLD for 6 years with middling success, and it’s rare that I meet someone I have that strong of feelings for early on. Maybe they weren’t true feelings, but oh well. It’s been really hard moving on from her.

    I don’t have any advice for you, OP. Just wanted to let you know as a fellow anxiety sufferer who is also in the dating world, that you are not alone and that you deserve happiness despite your struggles.

47. Me too buddy. 32f, can’t date because it’s just so dang scary! Complete extrovert on the outside, but a blind/online date makes me want to shit myself

48. You are attached to the outcome. Practice detachment; and always remind yourself that you will be fine in the end, no matter what happens.