Hi r/relationship_advice.
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TLDR; my wife and I are fighting because she feels my job restricts her freedom as a SAHM and is unfair to her.
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My wife and I are new parents and have been together for about 6 years and married for 2.5. Prior to the baby our relationship was really, really, really wonderful. When we had our baby (after 3 months paternity leave), I took a new job that almost doubled my income in a HCOL place but came with a lot more responsibility and stress. I told my wife if she wanted to not go back to work after maternity leave, that was her choice as the new job provided the income to do so (but she was in no way obligated to do that – if she wanted to keep working we would find a way to make it happen). She decided to become a SAHM. My new job requires me to travel \~1-2 times a month, usually once for only a couple nights and then the other as a day trip where I leave early in the morning and then come back sometime in early/mid evening. I also work 100% from home when I am not traveling, though my days are generally pretty full with meetings and work that I need to accomplish.
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I am passionate about the work I do, and in the past would have called myself a workaholic but it’s not really the same anymore – I generally start my day at work around 9AM and end it around 5/515 PM though sometimes I am needed for an early meeting or a late meeting. That happens maybe once or twice every couple weeks. I do sometimes answer emails/messages before/after work on my phone but only if it’s critical. Personally I would describe my workload as intense during the typical work hours but I make an effort now to not do any kind of sit-down work after-hours or on the weekend unless I am home alone and my wife is doing something else.
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My wife and I are having issues in our marriage. Generally we have the same big fight once or twice a month — she says I am absorbed in my work because during most work days I am super focused and she has to work her outings around my schedule (though I do make an effort to watch the baby when I have large gaps so she can relax a bit). For example, if she wants to go to the store for something for our family or do something for herself during the day, she has to sort of work around my schedule so that can watch the baby (which I cannot do during meetings). This is frustrating for her — she feels beholden to my schedule during the day and feels that I have a freedom that she does not. My point is that I am not really free either, I have to attend these meetings as it’s part of my job and if I don’t then I will surely be fired. When I mention this I am told I “just don’t understand.” I will also say that I make it a point to tell her when I have large gaps in my schedule where she could go do whatever she wants, and I always tell her that outside the working hours I am completely supportive if she wants to go do anything she desires. I’ll watch the baby, no problem.
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She also says that it’s not fair that I travel away from home for work where I get to be by myself and have some time without worrying about the baby. I actually think this is a fair point, even though I am working constantly during the trips, and so I have told her many times that if she wants to go on trips by herself, too, that would be fine with me so it would be more fair. I send a portion of my paycheck directly to her personal bank account every time the direct deposit comes, and she rarely has to pay any kind of household expense so she should have plenty of cash to do so. However, she has not taken any trips like this to date., but she will always bring up that it’s not fair that I get to go on these trips in our fights.
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When we have this fights, it basically is just a cycle of her telling me what she’s upset about (the above), me trying to offer solutions to make it more fair, and then her telling me that I just don’t get it. Her tone is always accusatory, making it clear she feels I am responsible for the way she feels. I thought, maybe she is not looking for solutions, and just someone to listen. She even at some point has told me that if I could just acknowledge the unfairness, that would make her feel better. And I have done that, even though I don’t think the “freedom” problem with my work day schedule is that unfair, and she’ll say “thank you” and continue to tell me about how good I have it and how bad she has it.
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I know I am not a perfect husband and have flaws, but I am getting really tired of constantly being told how my life must be so amazing, while her life is so lackluster, all as an apparent result of the choices \*I\* have made (by the way – we make every major decision together so she even agreed to the new job). That is really frustrating considering that I feel I work very hard at my job to support our whole family (but if I say that then I’m told it was my choice to take this job and since I am passionate about it, it doesn’t count). There are never any solutions offered or any effort to work towards a resolution – it always just feels like I am the dog who must be put in their place for all the bad things they’ve done. If it sounds like my description of the fight is a bit disjointed, that’s because that’s how I feel – It’s all over the place and I can’t even make an attempt to solve the problem because when I try to find a resolution we jump to the next apparent issue until she says “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Nothing gets solved, wash rinse repeat until the next fight. I really feel that I am making my best effort to be as flexible as possible but it doesn’t seem like it’s what she wants. She told me today she feels like leaving. I am at a loss; I feel like I am putting a ton of effort into resolving the problems but am getting no where.
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I am reaching out to this sub for some guidance because I generally am not a very social person and don’t have any close relationships outside of my wife that I can ask for help. I also am socially awkward and don’t always have a good grasp on whether my feelings are normal or if I’m actually being shitty.
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Thank you
16 comments
I think your wife may be going through some postpartum depression because clearly her logic in all this is very flawed. Have you actually sat down to discuss the roles you would both have with your current living situation. With you working full time and with her being a SAHM? What are the expectations of both? Are you contributing to taking care of the baby and also handling duties around the home when you’re outside of business hours? Do you carry your weight in other capacities as well? If so then there’s more to this than your wife being upset about your job. She may feel overwhelmed and have her own issues going on, unrelated to you. You are just the easiest outlet for her anger at this time.
Perhaps couples counseling can work for you two if both parties are willing. There seems to be a big gap in communication and one that may need a professional mediator to get the bottom of this?
She’s looking in through a window, she sees that you get out of the house, talk with people, travel, and all the “fun” aspects that life can offer. But she’s not seeing that it’s actually work and a job that pays well enough for her to be able to stay home with the baby. You can’t convince someone that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows when it’s all they think about.
Honestly just tell her to get a job again, she’s probably stir crazy and is taking it out on you. Use the money she makes for a babysitter during the day she works and you keep doing your work (or work something similar out I’m sure you can figure a better system out). But yeah she’s not going to listen to reason even if you agree with her, and those thank you’s sound more like “oh. I wanted to have more reasons to fight with you”
Worst case just separate, take care of yourself and your kid op. You don’t deserve a toxic home after working so much even if you enjoy the work. Work=work no matter how much you like it
From what you write your job doesn’t seem unreasonable and similar to my work hours. She’s a SAHM and your role is to make the money to keep a roof over your heads. Sounds like she’s overwhelmed with the baby. Maybe try some couples counseling.
I think your wife thought being a SAHM would be a lot less work than it actually is, and when you guys had the discussion about her not going back to work she didn’t realize just how much more restricted she would be. A lot of people don’t realize how hard it is being a parent.
You’ll see posts on here from the opposite perspective, a woman on here will be a SAHM, and her husband will view it as “oh you get to stay home and do nothing all day so you aren’t REALLY working.” I think this is what your wife sees. She sees you going on trips, having the ability to be flexible with your schedule, and she doesn’t really realize that it’s WORK. You’re the reason she can afford to be a SAHM, just like she’s the reason your child is a little less of a burden.
I suggest counseling.. and maybe start looking into some childcare so your wife either gets a break or gets a part time job or something like that. Sounds like she’s going stir crazy. The problem is she’s refusing to discuss her issues and just shuts down.. I’d sit her down and have a long conversation, you need to nip this in the bud before resentment builds more.
Stop fighting about it. Empathize with her for a moment and then move on. Don’t let her go on and on about it. Have a couple quick replies and then move on. “I know this is hard, I will support you if you want to get a job instead of being a SAHM. I will support you if you want to go on a trip. Stop blaming me when I’m willing to help.”
In addition to what some have said, I think you can offer to get a nanny like twice a week, either mornings or afternoon, so she can run errands or go out without depending on your schedule. Since you work from home, having a nanny would be safe because if there’s an emergency, you are there.
I think she definitely needs to have some childcare support when you leave. I’m not saying all day or every day, but being alone for several days can be a problem if she feels like she has to watch the baby when she is showering or going to the bathroom.
Edit: I saw she said she doesn’t want a nanny. She has to change her mind about it. Sorry. You need to tell her that she has to be open minded because she cannot complain but not accept potential solutions. Maybe a marriage counselor can act like a mediator, but having a nanny so she can go out and do her things would be very simple solution.
If you can afford it, send the kid to daycare a few days a week so she can have a break.
I agree about the PPD. It is hard to take care of a baby but from what youve typed youre doing your part and more. Wtf does she think a stay at home mom does? She can take the baby to the store. Or she can wait til after you’re done with work. It is completely unreasonable for her to expect you to watch the baby while you work or complain that you are working during working hours.
I think you have a difficult conversation ahead of you to make a harder definition of stay at home mom. Keep supporting her like you currently are – i.e make sure she has time for herself too when you can snd continue offering support where you are. The reality is, for most new moms, we CANT go on a trip away from the baby, and not for awhile. Babies need their moms way more than dad in the early stages. It CAN suck but ultimately that is part of motherhood.
Maybe you can help her plan for a future trip that is just her or you and her when the baby is old enough to be left in your care/someone else’s care, that way she had a goal post to look forward to.
I am a relatively new mom so ofc my experience is anecdotal, but tbh maternity leave was very boring (i loved it, i wish i had more, but the day to day ima be honest, was fuckin boring because i was basically chained to a baby lol). I can imagine these stages of sahm have made her feeling like her individual identity has been robbed, there is a main shift in “main character” if you know what i mean. Maternity leave (and i would wager this extends into sahm territory) was incredibly lonely even with people reaching out. Stuff becomes a lot harder to do. Its full of stress and bliss.
I dont think youre being shitty, and I wouldnt even say I think shes being shitty, i just think expectations need to be clearer and evaluated.
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>she feels beholden to my schedule during the day
Isn’t that how it works for stay at home parents? What would she do if you didn’t work from home?
I would look into post partum depression. If that’s the case then please have her see a doctor. If it’s not, then she is just being really unfair here and needs a reality check. You are working. It’s not like you are out partying. If she doesn’t get the stick out of her ass, then tell her to get a job then. Again, if this is not related to post-partum depression..
If you were in the office during the day she’d *never* be able to leave the baby? And you’d have a lot less time to help due to commuting. I get it to some extent, if you’re physically in the house it would be hard not to ask you for help, but you do need to be able to work.
It sounds like you’re offering some really good solutions, but she’s not agreeing to any of them. This makes me think that the way she’s feeling/what she wants isn’t really being expressed. Because if it was, you guys wouldn’t still be having this argument/would’ve come to an agreement by now. I would ask her to create a list of possible solutions for how she’s feeling. They don’t even all need to be realistic. It would just be interesting to see what it is she actually wants. Like you said, you’ve put in a ton of effort into resolving things. Let it be her turn to come up with ideas on how to resolve things.
If you didn’t work from home she would have an even tougher schedule because you wouldn’t be watching the baby at all during the day. It is ridiculous she’s giving you a hard time about your job.
I think wife needs some appreciation, would you go back to dating her and see if the dynamics change? For example try bringing flowers when you come home and tell her I appreciate you for your valuable contribution to our family, buy a nice dress and let her wear it the day you two get a chance to go out together, offer back rubs or foot rubs, tell her how beautiful she looks with her everyday no make up no fancy clothes look, tell her she has been doing an amazing job , sometimes bring breakfast in bed just to show appreciation. This idea might sound silly but if you find it useful for your current situation, go for it. I personally as a lady would love to feel appreciated in this way so that i slowly come around the fact that you are working hard for us, not against us or just to inconvenience me. Honestly I wouldn’t advice you to forego meetings or quit some job responsibilities to please her , she might be bullying you into becoming less productive at work unknowingly, which will affect your input and effectiveness at work and eventually the ability to provide for your family. Instead use the little time and every chance you get to do and say something sweet to her and see her mindset change. Date her again !
Marriage counseling because you need to find a way to make it work. But that needs to come either after individual counseling for her or done at the same time. You are doing things right. She might be depressed, post partum or whatever else. She can’t live with these feelings and expect things will do a 180 for her by just complaining. No one is perfect, you can only try your best. Get her help with therapy. Maybe she can find a place that she can do drop off care for a few hours. Or hire someone that can come to your home for a few hours.