Im 34, I’ve known who my dad is for 24 of those years. Ive really only known him for about 5 of those years. He split from my mom before I was even a year old. Said he was trying to find a better job. And he did come back but at that point my mom had freaked out and wasn’t having any of what he had to offer. The first time i was introduced to him was over the phone. I was only 8 or 9. I met him in the flesh on my 10th birthday. He brought a woman with him and the whole situation was just awkward.
There was a point where I basically without getting a choice ended up in his custody for about 4 years. Mom kinda up and left, she was trying to get out of an abusive marriage at the time. Ran all the way to England. My dad was having problems of his own in his marriage at the time and was talking to a woman during this time. Slowly we gravitated to the state that this other woman lived in. I knew something was up then, but at my age i just couldn’t piece it together. He was always more concerned about his life and his career and the parenting just wasnt there. I was still dealing with my mom just abandoning me. I started to develop depression, and when I tried to tell him about it, he said I was too young to know what that is. Eventually my mom came back to the states and i moved back home. I was never the same after everything. It only got worse a couple years later with my mom passing away due to her alcohol addiction. My dad immediately tried to force me to move, said I was a burden on the rest of my moms family. I was able to at least finish out high school, and he talked me into going to jobcorps over going to college. Even though i had a full grant. Eventually I got to the point with jobcorps that I was eligible for their college program. This time when i applied for the grant he refused to give me his w2. Sent his paystub instead which did not help. Throughout my adult life he calls maybe once a month. Its always to tell me how disappointed he is with where I’m at but without directly saying it. Im at a point in my life where ive mostly got my depression under control. Im happy, i have a woman whom i love dearly, seven kids plus my one biological one, though she is living with her mom. And my dad still wants to bring up the past. Never sees the progress ive made just the mistakes. I find myself at a crossroads with him. I feel like i still owe him a chance to prove himself, but ive already given him so many. Im tired of puting the effort in (trying to call and then not getting a response until weeks and months have passed.) and not getting the same level of effort on his end. Am i a bad son here? For wanting to cut him out? If not how can I initiate that conversation with him? Sorry for the rant and word vomit, I just don’t understand anymore.
4 comments
I can’t read the word vomit, but I’ll tell you this: if you think it will make your mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual life better without your father, then do it. When they do things that would cause you to stop being friends with someone, why should our parents be treated any differently?
I spent years thinking my parents held some sort of special place in my life that held them above any sort of consequence. The moment I was able to cut my dad out, it was so freeing – the stress in my life dropped almost immediately.
We owe our parents nothing.
You owe him nothing.
Your dad sounds like a pretty broken dude and unfortunately May resent you in place of your mother for the fact that he *did* try to renter your life and your mom turned him away.
Also, your mom straight up leaving you is insane, so I’m incredibly sorry that you were basically tossed around like an old blanket.
Keep working on yourself and move past all of this. I won’t get into why you’re with a woman with 7 kids who lives with her mom – but if that’s the woman and the right situation for you then pit your energy into that, not into your father.
None of what you wrote would convince me you’re better off trying to force him into your life. Save the time and energy and put it into something productive for you and your kids.
If I were you, I would move on. It sounds like you have a happy and healthy life in spite of the past, and your unreliable dad comes off as a bit toxic. As in, every time he is in the picture, something bad happens. That’s what it seems like.