Looking for advice.
The sex we have feels amazing and we have healthy conversations about sex. During these conversations, my (F26) boyfriend (M34) has made some pretty simple requests. He asked that I *at least* try to communicate with him when he’s going down on me (I’m usually very silent during sex — ideally he’d like me to at least make a little noise during PIV too) and he asked that I initiate sometimes. I’ve managed to do neither. I told him I’d work on it and I am, though both of these things are massive mental hurdles for me. There’s no progress for him to see.
I had tried to stay really engaged with sexting, making specific comments about what I want to do that night. My thinking was that I was making it clear I was open to sex and I enjoyed it. So in my mind, the sexting and cuddling was a step towards initiating. Obviously not though. At some point, my boyfriend decided (again) to not initiate sex until I did.
(He did this once before, but gave in after almost two weeks, which was the catalyst to our first conversation about me never initiating. But we’ve gone nearly a month without sex this time.)
I think anxiety consumes my mind and corrodes my life, honestly, and this situation is no different. It just seems so simple to say “don’t stop” or “right there” or initiate. But I wimp out. I find the idea of doing something like that terrifying. I also constantly think about this during sex and I have no sexual confidence. This is only eased when I’m intoxicated or high. But even when I’m drunk or high I’ve never actually built up the courage to initiate or be more communicative during sex. I just feel a lot closer to being able to.
My boyfriend has made lots of suggestions (some better than others, but all demonstrate his endless patience with me and his willingness to problem solve rather than blame me). For example, he told me about his hot spots and suggested I touch him there in order to initiate. But it’s like I can’t do it. It’s like I feel awkward doing it because he’d know I was doing it specifically because he asked. I feel that way even though that’s such a vapid line of thought. Like I’m dumb af. Clearly, if he asked me to touch him there he wants me to touch him there. And, if anything, he’d be happy that I listened to him and finally did it. He brought it up yesterday and said he figured I had forgotten which kind of broke my heart. I think he feels like I’ve been dismissive of his thoughts and suggestions. I get why it comes off that way because I make no progress. There’s no way he can see mg constant turmoil over this. He also said he considered I might be asexual or don’t enjoy sex which is not true.
I explained last night that I literally orgasmed for the first time January and I told him it’s an anxiety thing; though I don’t think he gets it. I sound a bit like a broken record when we talk about this with him. His attitude is that he’ll get over it eventually and that it’s not a big deal, but I tell him that he deserves a fulfilling sex life. Wanting your partner to communicate during oral sex or initiate more are basic things that I should be able to deliver. I keep telling him this shit and I believe it but nothing changes so I’m worried he’ll grow to resent me.
I think I’m wanting advice on how to ease into initiating and general sexual confidence. Thoughts? Advice?
39 comments
Anxiety is tough in any part of life. And if someone has never had bad anxiety, they don’t get it or understand. It’s almost like they think you’re lying
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Could you start with something as a stand in for initiating? For example, tell him if you put a candle on the coffee table, it means you want to have sex. Then gradually work your way up by adding things like dimming the lights, putting on music, lighting the candle etc. Add some simple touching, like taking his hand in yours, and bam…you’re initiating.
Ok so, I dont normally comment or express anything on here, however you’ve literally laid out everything me and my wife have gone through for years..
So im going to give you my (34/m) side of our similar siuation…. we have been together 11 years this situation has been happening since day one and my thing was i was getting tired of iniating and it literally becoming a routine, ive been learning her and successfully pleasing her but only after many times of asking her to instruct me on what she wants. After that i tried to gently bring up the fact that i wanted her to iniate it instead of me all the time…. she still doesnt and hasnt given me a solid answer as to why… i believe its much like what you described and for her its a self concious and/or an over thinking thing……so my advice to you as someone thats been on the non-reciprocated side of this for a long time is to try your hardest to get past ur anxiety tpwards taking control… confidence can be hard and i get that, but trust it coming from another guy when i say that if hes hard, it doesnt matter how you iniate it, you will still rock his world. And with what you said about thinking its not ur idea because he mentioned it…. its all your idea with the way present it…. literally soo mamy ways and ideas to iniate and turn him on… guys are easy literally just rubbing the belt line will get him going….or own it and come out wearing something sexy…. bottom line, i hope you guys figure it out <3
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I read a post here a few months ago by a woman who was working on initiating and fixing her dead bedroom. She kept a sex journal to keep track of when she and her husband had sex. If you think something like this might work, you could keep a journal or a spreadsheet or a private calendar to stay accountable to yourself. He doesn’t have to see it, it would be your tool.
If you can afford it, you might also look into sex therapy. Anxiety is no joke, and working with a professional might help you a lot. Check out the podcast Sex With Emily, she has a lot of great content on sexual wellbeing.
For your confidence, something that helped me was a daily meditation practice. It teaches you how to silence the peanut gallery in your brain and might help when in the moment, you’re second guessing yourself and overthinking how you’re touching him.
This might seem random, but if you can, find time to play or do something creative. I think that “knowing what to do” during sex has a lot in common with how children play. It’s unstructured and there’s no expectations, you just see a firetruck and fill it with sand because in that moment, it just seems like a really good idea. Practice letting yourself play.
You don’t need Reddit. You need a therapist to help you work to your insecurities. Those things are usually pretty deeply rooted and they take a lot of time to work through. I don’t think your bf is being super supportive by forcing you to initiate sex. I understand his frustration because he wants you to show interest and desire, but you are frozen because of your insecurities. Seems like a loss-loss to me. At some point you’ll have to address this before it makes him resentful at you, thus making you even more insecure. I wish you good luck!
I don’t think your boyfriend’s approach to sex is helping. He seems to be putting you on the spot which just makes it harder for you. He needs to make it easier for you. That’s my opinion.
It sounds like you are both doing the right thing here. You are willing to learn and do different things. And he has patience with you. Its going to take time for you to change, and that’s ok with me. I like that you aren’t blowing it off. He will realize that too, and it will all work out.
Initiate something smaller. You might want to have a conversation about it first so he doesn’t feel disappointed if you don’t go all the way. Expectations contribute to anxiety because you don’t have a functional memory of meeting them. I’d make a suggestion but I don’t know what he likes. Grab his butt. I don’t know.
Like other people, I don’t think this tactic is all that helpful. But it would be awfully silly to say it’s unfair of him not to initiate sex.
General anxiety management: *exercise!* It’s more effective than you think.
I highly suggest you write out these thoughts here, but written for him.
Because what you say here makes a lot of sense. I understand the anxious energy, since I am a very anxious person.
But every time you make a mental block telling yourself you can’t do this and you can’t do that. You just have to force yourself to do it.
Make yourself a list of what you want to do.
And do at least one of those things each day.
Don’t be concerned about how he reacts to it.
The next day do two things from the list. Be proud of yourself for doing the things that are hard for you.
And don’t beat yourself up for not doing it when you need a day off.
Start by giving him a very nice long kiss while looking at his eyes…
god i hate this so much
you’re clearly uncomfortable with this thing due to mental hurdles and here he is over here not initiating which causes even more turmoil
There’s a top notch book on anxiety and how to work through it.
Claire Weekes – “Hope and help for your nerves”. She explaines how fear and anxiety work and how to overcome it.
Valerian and/or catnip herbal tea can be relaxing and helps me when I feel anxious but as with everything, do your own research first so you know if they fit you.
If you feel like initiating but are worried about it coming off as you doing it because he asked and perhaps not being “genuine” (and that being a bad thing for some reason, mb think on that) try doing it when you really feel like it. You’re touching him because it pleases you and that is ok. You can trust him to tell you if he doesn’t want to or if he needs more/less/smth else. Maybe feeling anxious about initiating is related to anxiety about being turned down? This is something that holds me back sometimes. I tend to ask only when I really, really mean it and then a “no” can be grating.. but otherwise if the desire isn’t that strong, I’m not as interested in asking.
Are you a people-pleaser otherwise? Maybe this can help shift your attention away from how you feel and more onto how wonderful you can make him feel by pushing yourself a little. But only ofc if that is something you’d like to do.
Good luck!
Something that helped me work around second-guessing myself: even if I try something and he takes it badly, it’s not like that’s gonna end the relationship – it’ll be a little awkward, we’ll laugh about it, and then we’ll get on with our lives.
So try thinking through what you’re worried will *happen*, if you touch him the way he asked you to. And try to figure out what the actual, not completely unlikely worst case might be (it’s probably not that bad!)
Idk, human brains are weird, sometimes they go into “lion might eat me” mode when the real risk is just an awkward social interaction.
Also will second the suggestions of therapy (if possible) and meditation. And just generally practicing not letting your anxiety set the agenda. I sometimes think of it as my brain throwing a tantrum, like an upset 3-year-old, and sure I’ll try to soothe it and be kind, but I do also have shit that needs to get done, so no, brain, we can’t just hide in bed all day because phone calls are scary or whatever, we’re going to pick up the damn phone (for example – and lo and behold, phone calls have gotten much less scary over time).
Just email him a link to this post.
This all stems from his want to be desired. It could both be a kink and also a form of validation for him. I understand his train of thought, it really shouldn’t be that difficult, just turn some cuddling into something more.
I always try to suggest a dumb thing that might work so: if you’re comfortable sexting with him. What if you texted him that you want to have sex, while he was in the room?
This is where my gf and I are at except it’s been months and nearing the end if she can’t initiate
I’d suggest you try to negotiate further with him. If giving feedback in the moment and initiating is causing you problems, what could be feasible alternatives? Could you give feedback later in a text message? Could you make him feel desired in other ways? For example, if you hug him, or take his hand, or kiss him, would this be enough for him?
Also, you could initiate sex in a moltitudes of ways, from directly asking to some sort of pre-discussed signal. Is there something that could work for you?
Ffs, just fuck him already.
You’re thinking waaaaay too much, so much it is hurting not only you, but your boyfriend.
*Stop, thinking.* ***DO.***
I feel like women sometimes have a less direct way of initiating and your boyfriend needs to get that through his head lol. It’s kind of dumb to punish you both because he doesn’t consider your initiating *real* initiating because it’s not exactly how he wants it. I get his frustration but it is also hella silly lol. Try telling him that you wearing short shorts and coming to him for a cuddle is you initiating and that he needs to get with the program.
I’m super indirect so I do things like walk around naked, cuddle with no panties, ask for butt/back rubs, or pretend to absentmindedly play with a happy trail. All ways that don’t require me to “initiate” but have gotten me the D with a 100% success rate.
To me it’s a bit awkward to tell someone to touch them somewhere specific to initiate sex or to dirty talk to them if it’s not something that comes naturally to you. Like I love dirty talk but some guys don’t do it and I don’t miss it at all–I love when I meet a guy who does but it takes nothing away and if it’s not a guys “thing”.
Sex is about learning your partner.
I read this as my wife has written it. 1 to 1 match.
I also was getting sad about sex being initiated only by me.
I tried to analyze her a lot. I asked so many questions and was being patient about her. I noticed, that we were mismatching expectations. I expected simple actions, she was thinking too much about. Probably overthinking.
What she does to initiate.
1. She wears sexy lingerie after shower or just topless and walk around me. (This works the best)
2. She sits on top of me and start kissing
3. If we are laying, she starts moving in bed, so her ass ‘incidently’ rubbing my dick
4. Sometimes now she gets enough courage to say “get naked now, I want something”
About being vocal in bed. For different people it works differently, but I do not like, when vocal is acted. If she doesn’t feel she wants to moan, I ask not to. But being engaged in the process is important, so when i go down on her, she is putting her fingers in my hair, rubbing my back and my ass with her feet or moving a little up and down, back and forth. This works really good.
I never understood my wife being shy or reactive in bed. She doesn’t like to be dominated, or not very shy. I guess she was lazy about those things and doing something new was like going out of comfort zone. But trust me it always worth it.
I don’t want to suggest something, just sharing my story, so you may find something for you.
Maybe he’s just feeling like you don’t really desire him. If he’s a physically affectionate person and he isn’t getting that from you then maybe he’s just missing it.
Can you just start off small,play with his hair, kiss his neck, tell him you find him hot and sexy. Initiating should be a fairly mutual thing, if he can see that you’re feeling in a flirty mood it will probably turn him on and he’ll take it forward.
Your post could have been written by me a few years ago (and some days, by me right now). Anxiety can suck my big fat tiddies, ‘cause it the most frustrating, debilitating thing I can imagine. It’s all internal and so hard to explain to someone who does’t understand.
Anyway, first and foremost: though he’s asking this of you (let’s put aside for a moment whether it’s fair of him to do so), you should only do what you yourself want to do. It sounds like this is something you’d like to resolve, so that should be your focus.
Second, this is bigger that sex, right? Sex (and all the expectations surrounding it) can be a painful reminder, but it’s usually not the only situation in which anxiety presents itself.
So why not take it out of context? Apart from professional (general) help and/or sex therapy, talking about it like it’s unrelated to sex can help. So make a plan to talk every day, on a set time, and talk about all the things you tried but failed to do. No expectations of sex, just telling him what you planned on doing and what made it hard for you to do. This can help him see that you’ve tried and understand what goes through your mind at the time.
Then let him tell you things he’d like you to do and, if you are okay with it, try them out without the expectation of it going anywhere. Explicitly. So if he would like for you to try and touch his arm and look him in the eyes, practice it right there and then with the complete understanding that this is not going to lead to sex. Laugh, feel uncomfortable, maybe cry, laugh again, all while doing the movements until they don’t feel as grand anymore. Don’t talk about initiating this way at a different time, just practice this move a bit today until you’re ready to try something else or more advanced for your next “practice session”.
Having a set date and time for this and no expectations can help take the pressure off and make it into a thing you’re doing together in stead of a thing you do alone with him watching. Like practicing for a play in stead of being on the stage.
Hope this helps. 🙂
Gentle Q, have a go at these quickly –
what would happen if you did initiate
What wouldn’t happen if you did
What would happen if you didn’t
What wouldnt happen if you didn’t initiate
– what’s your problem?
You’re still thinking about fulfilling him. What he wants is for you to tel him when you want sex and when you want him. Not necessarily to just initiate sex randomly. If you’re horny enough it should be an easy thing. I get you have trouble with anxiety, but this is part of having a fulfilling sex life, for you. Not just him. Being able to initiate when you want it or communicate when something feels good or provide direction on how to please YOU are all things that will improve your experience. I’m glad he wants you to
have that.
I can relate. You seem to have a severe case of social anxiety, I’m the same. For example I have a huge problem with ordering food in public. It sounds so ridiculous for someone without anxiety to understand but I’m terrified of the waiter judging what I want to eat, or mispronouncing the dish, or whatever, so I’d rather starve outside than go to a restaurant and get food.
Have you thought about maybe getting therapy, maybe even both of you? It’s often easier if a third person understands your fears and can explain them to your boyfriend to further validate them.
Or show him this post, tell him to read it while you leave the room so you don’t get the urge to stop him or feel awkward about it, cause you explained your feelings here really well.
I just feel so sorry for you as I know how hard it is for “normal” people to understand how anxiety works and what big, yet irrational fears are involved.
At first I thought this was just another post about a woman with responsive desire, but by the end it occurred to me you might have sexual anxiety. This is something my gf deals with a lot and is intimately tied in with her general anxiety, which comes and goes. We’re actually about to start seeing a sex therapist.
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-cope-with-sexual-anxiety-5199276#:~:text=cope%20with%20it.-,What%20Is%20Sexual%20Anxiety%3F,even%20lead%20to%20sexual%20avoidance.https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-cope-with-sexual-anxiety-5199276#:~:text=cope%20with%20it.-,What%20Is%20Sexual%20Anxiety%3F,even%20lead%20to%20sexual%20avoidance.
Have you ever really thought about how you listen to what your brain tells you about what he wants more than you listen to him? He has been vulnerable enough to tell you, “i need this. I want to be touched here,” and your brain is like, “yeah i don’t believe that” and you give that voice all the power. Have you thought about how hurtful it must be for him to be vulnerable when you refuse to really listen? Cause if you were really listening, you’d believe him and at least try. The made up scenarios you have invented where you somehow get hurt or embarrassed for trying to do what he’s asking for are all about you and your feelings; they are centering your fears over something imaginary that hasn’t happened all the while a very real person is getting hurt by your very real actions.
I have anxiety too, but at some point I realized that listening to my anxiety was selfish and was me putting my imaginary fears over the needs of real fucking people. Please get some therapy and work on this until it sticks.
I had anxiety about it as well. Came from a relationship where I wasn’t allowed to say no, because it didn’t matter . Told my bf this, and he was understanding.
Didn’t know his sister was a manipulative twat face
She told me he was into being dommed, so when I first tried to initiate I figured this would be a good way.
He was so not into the outfit and tied owns. He actually laughed at me . I tried and failed a few more times to initiate , but eventually stopped and got an xious about it again.
Yeah that hurt . Fast forward a few years , of him only initiating , and I decided to say fuck it . Got naked, walked up and sat on his lap . It worked.
Now I’m fucking someone new . And much better. Sometimes he initiates , sometimes I do .
Long story. If it’s nothing traumatic. Just push past it. It’s what he wants. He wants to say yes. Let him. Just walk out naked , walk up to him, start kissing him, and say “I want your cock in me so bad right now ” or ” I want to suck your cock so bad right now”
He will say yes.
His desire for you to initiate occasionally is perfectly normal and healthy. His “no sex until you do” is manipulative and unhealthy.
>I think he feels like I’ve been dismissive of his thoughts and suggestions. I get why it comes off that way because I make no progress. There’s no way he can see mg constant turmoil over this.
You can’t know what he sees or doesn’t see. Unless you’ve talked to him as plainly and directly as you have here about your anxiety and hangups,then at least a part of this is on you. I’d strongly suggest counseling,first for you individually so you can begin to understand the causes of your difficulties and then together so he can gain the same understanding and start to see small steps of progress.
Like a lot of the suggestions, I would just ease into it, as to not overwhelm yourself. Usually my boyfriend and I are cuddling and I nudge my booty into him and that usually gets him going. I know you are hesitant to touch him maybe out of embarrassment, but I think in those moments you just need to remind yourself that he loves you and is not going to judge you.
Another subtle thing you could do is just lightly rub your fingers around his body or rub his leg. You don’t have to outwardly grab his dick to show him that you want sex. Kissing my boyfriends neck always does it for him too.
I have a lot of anxiety as well, it just takes reminding yourself in those moments that it’s okay to initiate sex and that your boyfriend wants that and will not judge you. He seems pretty good at communicating what he wants.
Sounds to me like you need to (remind yourself) trust that your husband loves you and wants you and is with you because he wants to be with you. You can trust that he isn’t going to laugh at you being you he will likely wet himself with excitement if you just walked up touched him in one of those trigger spots and said fuck me now darling.
Trust he wants you
Trust he loves you
Do what feels right for you if the goal is sex
This may be dumb but can you like half way initiate? I’m not super comfortable initiating but I’ll go for something subtle like working my way up his leg while cuddling, occasionally grazing his dick, and getting more direct if he is reciprocating in any way. He’s already told you where would work for him so he kind of made it easy for you, and yes he will know what you are doing but it sounds like he’d be quite happy about it. Idk I don’t think initiating needs to be a huge production? You can keep it fairly simple, it’s just the thought that counts.
I think that you initiate a kiss naturally right? So one time instead of just simply kiss him go harder and extend the kiss, put your tongue inside, etc. and then you are initiating. The worst is that bcs of anxiety this might not come naturally, so try to do things fast without think a lot, and when you stop for think you are already in the middle of sex
For us, my wife’s way of initiating was, “I’m going to go start a bath. Can you bring me a drink?” She would go start her bath, and I would make a couple of cocktails, all the while knowing sexy time was going down!
Just simple watch a lot of sex films
After short time u well find is so easy to do
any things that made your partiner is happy
I would encourage you to listen to sex-positive podcasts. Listening to confident women talk about sex without judgement or prejudice gave me at least an example how to approach stuff, and I think hearing the human voice with it was better than reading articles or books.
You would probably also benefit a lot from mindfulness! Look into mindfulness as part of sexual awareness. It helps with anxiety, and with being more In the moment, and more empowered.
I hope when you try to do sth sexual, he gives you positive feedback in the moment, like an enthusiastic reaction. Those will build your confidence, when you see his reaction to you doing stuff.
I know this suggestion might sound weird but I think if you practice initiating by yourself many times it may help. What I mean by this is use a pillow or something and pretend it’s your boyfriend. Start tickling it’s back, run your hands around to its stomach and start your hands going lower while also kissing his back… you don’t even need to touch him “there”, this would be enough to get him excited if you just keep working around the general area.
I think if you practice over and over then when it comes to being with him it won’t be such a foreign idea or concept because your body and mind will have already done it so many times on your own. Get used to the motions, get used to where your hand will move etc.
Do the same with being vocal. Moan by yourself until you’re at a point where it’s comfortable. Practice practice practice until it’s second nature to you! THEN take that new nature to him. It’s a safer way of stepping out of.