How do I know if my feelings toward my boyfriend are healthy?
(If there are any grammatical mistake I apologize, I’m on mobile.)
I (F24) have a boyfriend (M22) who I have been dating for a year as of July 27th 2022, we started out as friends and were pretty close for awhile before we started dating. He live 2 and a half hours away atm which is fine because I can drive and don’t mind.
And if I’m being honest I would marry him tomorrow if he asked me. I think about him all the time and even the smallest things bring him to mind. I can’t help but smile when I picture him in my mind and anytime we have time to call my heart flutters. Spending time talking to him is one of the best parts of my day.
He’s a very considerate person and cares about the things I have to say. I’ve never felt uncared for when we’re together. I love learning about his interests and everytime he comes to me excited with something knew he’s learned I fall in love just that much more when I hear the genuine excitement in his voice. Not only that but he returns the gesture, listening to me rant and gush about all little niche interests, asking me questions and sharing in my delight. I could honestly go on for as long as the word limit would allow but I’ll not do that to you all.
I know this all sounds very basic for a relationship but I’ve never dated anyone as long as I have him and I’ve never been in a relationship before and actually cared about our future together, all the others where I did consider the future always ended with the phrase “and when we break up.” But I couldn’t imagine that now. The mere thought of not being with him for the long term hurts so much that I simply can’t dwell on it or I want to cry. We’ve even discussed what we want for the future and agree on most of it. Things such as marriage and children.
I know how I feel and it’s so strong that the other day I just thought about his smile and him in general, all the tiny things that make him who he is and how much I loved him and I actually had to sit down because I started crying.
When I told this to one of my closest friends (F27) she told me I was being obsessive and that it wasn’t normal for people who have been together such a short time to have feelings that strong and she told me to seek a therapist. I guess I just want to get other people’s opinions about this before I do that.
I just really want to know
Is it weird? Is it normal to feel like that about someone? Is it unhealthy to want to marry someone that you’ve only been dating for a year? Am I being obsessive?
TL:DR: I’m worried the strength of my feelings towards my boyfriend isn’t normal and wonder if my friend is correct in her assement of them.
6 comments
Nothing wrong with still being this in love *provided* you are capable of seeing any red flags or bad treatment/behavior.
I would say it’s not super unhealthy or abnormal, but something to watch. It sounds like you could have limerance or infatuation. You are both young, so I would wait a few more years and a few trips and conflicts until marriage. Don’t do anything rash.
What is not healthy is if you are willing to sacrifice things. Is he driving to see you too? Also it’s good that that you have other hobbies and that your life won’t feel like it’s over if you break up.
You do seem over passionate and obsessive. Try to reign it in.
That sounds super normal, especially given your history of dating shitty dudes. That said, it also sounds like you haven’t healed from said shitty dudes. It might be worthwhile to get some therapy for that side of things.
You love this person so much, but don’t ever feel like you SHOULD sacrifice things for them.
I love my girlfriend with everything I am, but it doesn’t ever make me want to be less for her. I love her, and I want to be my absolute best self for her. It is easy to give things up for a person, it is easy to die for them, but living for them, working towards the realization of your potential, that is what love should spur you towards. I have goals and ambitions, and so does she, and we work towards supporting each other while pursuing them. A relationship at its best is one where neither person is forced to give up the things that matter. Love them, and love yourself, because if they love you then it is important that you are happy and fulfilled in your life.
The difference between true love and an unhealthy obsession is that love will allow you to grow and flourish, and obsession will carve your soul to pieces. Obsession will narrow your world, it is jealous and self destructive and codependent. Real love is trust, and security, you always feel like you are enough, you are validated, seen, appreciated. You never have to expend energy questioning or worrying, it doesn’t leave you feeing drained or exhausted.
Sorry if I was ranting. I’ve been in toxic relationships before, where codependency and previous unresolved trauma were carried over and communication suffered as a result. Trust was difficult or impossible to foster or maintain, and I sacrificed too much to try and earn it. I have never once felt like this with my Girlfriend. She sees me, and she loves me for who I am, and this freedom from expectation and inherited negativity allows me to devote my entire self to living up to my fullest potential. I can be my best self, I can devote more energy to supporting her goals because I am able to expand my capacity to do so through my work on myself. I am more for being with her, not less.
Hope this helps a bit.
TL:DR: Love allows you to be your best self, love shouldn’t FEEL like hard work to maintain, don’t ever destroy yourself for another’s happiness or you will only make the both of you miserable.
I’ve lived with my partner of 10 years and thinking of him still makes me smile, but it sounds as if you don’t spend much time together so your opportunities for learning about each other have been limited, and getting so overwhelmed with love that you actually have to sit down and cry is not normal.
It sounds as if he’s a nice guy, but you’re idealising him and your relationship.
What happens to your perfect relationship when you get to know him better and realise that he’s actually a fallible human being like the rest of us?
It’s been a year. That is a good investment of time to know you’re in love. As long as you are not giving up other relationships and spending every waking minute trying to be with him, I think you’re fine.
Be happy. Be in love! Maybe your friend is jaded because I’m on year 8 and I’m still a total fangirl for my spouse. I still have a life outside of them but holy shit do I love the fuck out of them. And I’ve been married and divorced so I know the potential of things crashing and burning and I’m still just…thrilled to be here.
So love on, love hard, just make sure you hold onto what makes you you and strive to grow outside of your relationship so you can bring that energy and experience back home and invest it into your partnership.
Also, make sure you’re not over sharing or talking only about your partner all the time. Is that a possible reason your friend was being grumpy?