(Trigger warning?)(Male) I was molested by a female family member as a child and I think this is affecting my sex life now and I have no idea what to do

36 comments

1. WAAAAYYYY above Reddit’s pay-grade.

   Tons of sympathy, but this wants professional help.

   Don’t delete this: it’s important for people to know what kind of damage is out there.

2. You seek help.

3. I think it might be a good idea to try reading books about healing from sexual trauma and trauma in general, as well as looking for a trauma informed therapist.

   Complex PTSD by Pete Walker is one of the best books on trauma recovery.

4. I think being able to see that this behavior isn’t “normal” is a huge first step. You’re aware of it.
   Definitely therapy. Therapy can help so much.

   I’m sorry this has happened to you.

5. This post needs more attention.

6. You need to get help. Thats a whole lot just on your shoulders.

   Do your family know what happened?

   I can understand how it may feel intimidating to see someone and tell them about this and how you feel. You could write it down. Write down the above what happened with her, in as much detail as you can stand. Then the suicide and what happened after. What your sex life is now. What your relashionship with attachment is etc. Give it to them to read on your first appointment, or before if its easier to not be there. That way the worst bit is done, the plaster is off. Then start to work through some of this with them.

   It wont always be easy, but i think you want to come out of the other side of this.
   Take care of yourself xx

7. Hey man, I am so sorry you have gone through that… I’m glad you are safe now. I know it’s rough. Please seek some therapy. Specifically a sex therapist or someone who works with victims of abuse if possible. These issues are treatable by a professional. You can start by going to your doctors and asking if a referral is possible.

   Also, hypersexuality is pretty common for victims of abuse… what you are going though, you are not alone. Things can get better. I know life is miserable and it sucks, but you can feel better. ❤️ go get some help. Good luck

8. You need some proper therapy I’m sorry you are still affected by what you went through so young

9. I went through something similar with a female babysitter when I was 8-11. I’m here if you need to talk. I’ve gone to therapy for years, and I still have trouble with it. Some things never completely go away, but therapy can help. I think what you need to do is mentally separate sex from your self worth. Learn to love yourself, and keep sex for fun, or to feel closer to others. Basing your happiness on the opinions of others rarely works out, as it ruins your chances of emotional stability. Take some time, consider CBT or EMDR therapy, maybe take up a new hobby or two, and focus on yourself for a bit. Things will get better. It may take a while, and it may get worse first, but will get better. You are not alone. Good luck.

10. Mate. See someone professional. Not because of the post itself but because you. Have a shit ton of baggage and unresolved issues that need a very healthy reconnect with yourself. It’s going to be tough as hell but it’s the way forward to a better rest of your life. You have suffered immense trauma with most of it being bottled up or allowed to consume you and your identity.

    Despite this you pushed forward and made something of yourself. That alone is impressive af. I would say after therapy or along with it, go for some healing or spiritual sessions too if that’s up your road. Not the kooky stuff but the ones where they take you places that are all nature and help you spend time, vent, realise your worth etc.

    You are beautiful and you didn’t deserve any of it. But like Gandalf says: [Wisdom](https://youtu.be/IrOqnZdvI6M) 1 minute and 55 second mark

11. Hey friend, I believe the answer is going to be found in doing therapy, learning about trauma, and participating in support groups. There are two websites offering support to male survivors which pop up on a Google search.

12. No one should have to endure what was perpetrated upon you, or what you now suffer as a result of it. You need and deserve professional help. You’ve taken the first steps just by posting here and I would encourage you to take the next one. Please contact a therapist specializing in sexual trauma. My heart goes out to you.

13. I’m so sorry OP 🙏🏽 seek help in whichever way you’re most reciprocative to and all will be well, I promise. You’re not alone💜 God bless✨

14. Go seek out a therapist and a psych. Maybe look into a CSA survivor group, if you think that would help.

15. Hey I know most of the other comments have said this already but seek therapy. This is a lot of baggage for anyone to have and truly you deserve so much better for yourself. I’m so sorry you went through this and am sending you love.

16. Hey OP,
    I’m terribly sorry to learn of what you’ve been through and what you’re still dealing with. Despite us being strangers, I can tell you, you deserve so much more.

    If you’re not keen on therapy (just yet) I’d recommend reading ‘my body keeps your secrets’ and ‘come as you are’. Also ‘the body keeps score’.

    I believe therapy will help to heal you, but ultimately it is a challenging and emotional process so I know it can be off putting… you deserve love & happiness OP.

    Even by making this post, your healing journey has begun!

    Those aforementioned books assisted me in overcoming sexual traumas and learning to love myself, show myself love, and enjoy pleasure!

    Best wishes 💓

17. Op I may have missed this but how much older was she?

18. Hmmm.. happened to me sort of. I was being babysat by 2 female daughters of the friend of the family . They had me do something’s.. I was super young.
    I don’t feel I was traumatized by it, however I was sexually aware way too early.
    It lead me to have sexual contact multiple times before the age of 10. I think that was the major impact.

19. Maybe your first step to convince yourself to go to the therapy you need would be to read books on the subject – WRITTEN BY MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS.
    You can get a general idea of “common” emotional reactions to a situation like that and then see that a therapist can help you specifically with your situation.

20. Go to therapy. None of us can help you.

21. Seek a therapist, and take time finding a good fit, not just anyone will do. In the mean time books by Peter A. Levine may be helpful, he has a lot of stuff about sexual issues and healing. Good luck ❤️‍🩹

22. Similar but different, I was “abused” by my female babysitter who was a minor for a few years. The abuse was centered around humiliation, facesitting, and giving her oral. This had a dramatic effect on my sexuality and relationships with women. Even with therapy when I was younger. As an adult I am successful, I’m a father, I’m a home owner, etc. I also deal with effects of what happened to me when I was younger on a daily basis. Sometimes I make good decisions and sometimes I make bad decisions, it’s a process. Anyway, if you want some support or just want to talk, message me. Good luck bro.

23. Sorry to hear about your circumstances. I would really recommend finding good professional help for this. There are psychologists out there who specialize in this who I hope can help with therapy and other techniques.

    Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to get help. None of this your fault.

24. Hey, I love my Alaskan peeps. You need to get some therapy. That doesn’t mean you’re broken, it just means you have something to work through and that’s okay

25. Love yourself bro

26. DISCLAIMER – I’m not a therapist and everyone here is right, you should seek professional help.

    But I do have one tiny little idea that might help in some microscopic way. It’s not related to sex at all, but more identity (which maybe in some round about way would help with the sex stuff eventually). It sounds like you’ve made most of your life decisions around seeking validation via sex. I haven’t been through nearly the kind of stuff that you have, but I know what it’s like to base your life around seeking approval from others. It can make you feel hollow and empty inside, like you have no idea who you really are.

    One thing that’s helped me is writing down a small list of activities that I’m absolutely 100% positive I enjoy for no reason other than that I just like doing them. These activities could be anything, an instrument, exercise, writing, video games, whatever. The only important thing is that you know you enjoy them just because, not for any social or sexual “edge” they might give you. (A good question to ask is “if I were the only person on earth, would I still want to do this thing?”)

    Once you have a few activities, try to make time for them in your weekly life. I find it’s best to not set any goals during this time and just do the thing. For example, one of my activities is creative writing. I have a lot of idea’s for different books, which is fine, and sometimes I work on those books, but I try to set aside an hour or two a week where I go to a cafe, grab some coffee, and write a random short story with absolutely no intention of ever publishing it anywhere. That way I know, at least during those couple hours, I’m not writing for any social validation that publishing a book might bring me, I’m purely doing it because it’s something I enjoy.

    Idk I just find this to be kind of therapeutic, like it sort of grounds me to whatever small part of my identity I know and feel in control of, and in a way frees me from the constant burden of worrying about other peoples opinions, at least during those couple hours. It feels like I’m building some sort of foundation of my authentic identity that hopefully I’ll slowly be able to build on top of over time.

27. wow. this made me really sad. please please please talk to a professional.

28. Brooo, therapist, asap. I’m so sorry you went through all of that.

29. Very specific help is out there…

    https://sexualfreedomhypnosis.org

    Scroll past the initial crap until you find out what sexual freedom hypnosis can do.

30. Has the child of the mother who was in a similar situation with her brother around the same age. I can only sympathize. It took till she was 47 and had breast cancer to really go to trauma therapy and deal with it and not have him still have power over her. Therapy is good idea but I would look for a therapist that focuses on childhood trauma they are out there and hopefully help you. And there will be the right woman out there you will have someone maybe has gone through that as well or just someone who is compassionate and patient with your issues. My mom found her life raft in my dad. He as always known about the trauma but he will even say it took 20 years of marriage and 3 of dating for my mom to really let it go. She got angry one day because she realized that she had been letting him still control her after the SA was completed and then she was able to move on. I could tell the day she really let go was the day her dad died. My mom had whispered to him while he was in a coma off life support that it would be really nice for her that if he died on his sons birthday (31 of October). He died at 10 am on halloween, may sound petty and childish but it was a gift he could give my mom.

31. Horrible.

    Off the head, but imho: You need professional help with a shrink AND probably a devoted sex worker, who – you’d have to pay her enough – would have to work with the shrink so you could relive all of the events as you described them, and end them with a positive conclusion for you..

    All the best.

32. Some people have had great results dealing with trauma with the help of psychedelic therapy, so maybe check that out.

    Also, to distract yourself from seeking validation through sex, maybe, try volunteer work, joining some sort of community service. Being of service in this way might bring you a different kind of validation.

33. you really should just gather up courage and talk with a therapist.it’s their job to listen to stuff like this, they won’t be surprised disgusted or make you face any consequence.

34. Yeah it’s a sadly common story. You don’t hear much about male molestation but a lot of boys are. Well honestly I’d say probably 1/10 throughout their lives. It can lead to deep issues and nymphomania. A lotvof my childhood is a blur personally and I’ve had some issues with sex before and while I’m not as bad off as you I can understand the struggle it takes to try and turn your life around. It’s extremely difficult path your about to walk but I wish you luck and as to therapy be sure to try at least two. One may not seem effective but another could help a lot.

35. That’s horrible. Im sorry you went through that. You could greatly benefit from a therapist, there is a lot of trauma you’re still carrying. I hope you heal.

36. You need to seek a therapist. You have trauma and you need help getting through it… glad that you at least got part of it off your shoulder.

    This also shows the world women can also be predators.