I’m rude to everyone, not very rude but I can be blunt and judge someone very quickly (I don’t really tell anyone my judgements unless they’re my friend). So I’m friends with this person Eublepharis (not real name) and their younger brother Macularius (again, not real name), everything about their family is very strange to me, they like affection but the thought of giving them affection disgusts me so I rarely touch them but I like their presence. I don’t know why I judge everything they do, I genuinely want to be a good friend but it’s very difficult, their existince doesn’t bother me, honestly it benefits me but I just can’t seem to be nice. I really don’t want them to feel bad, I feel like I have to show them tough love so they can mature more and be able to function well in a society. It’s very strange how I view them, as naive affection seekings children, but I enjoy being around them so what the heck.
Sometimes when they do something some way I can’t do it the same way, today we were talking about how we make cup of noodles and they said in the microwave, I too put my cup of noodles in the microwave but also sometimes boil water. With the knowledge that they put their cup of noodles in the microwave I feel heavily disgusted by the idea of doing it that way now, I’ll only eat it with boiled water from now on. Nothing they said was wrong, but the way they said it was easier made me feel lazy (something I view the younger brother as sometimes) and I didn’t want to associate myself with that so now I can’t eat microwaved cup of noodles.
What the hell is wrong with me? My choice of words is even dictated by when or if I’m judging them, I can’t look at backpacks with lower straps the same, I can’t eat my cereal the same knowing they eay cereal with sugar, no fruits. My brain makes anything I slightly don’t agree with that they do seem so vile and inappropriate I have to take deep breaths to calm down after experiencing their daily lives. I’m like a toxic parent that wants their kid to do ballet but my kid wants to play video games and eat junk food all day instead. Like video games is perfectly fine, go play franbow for the 5th time or maybe start on birdgut (one of my favorite games on steam) but don’t do it with a 12 pack of coca colas and grubhub everyday.
What do I do? They have confronted me on how I treat them, I tell the brother that I’ll just stop being friends with them so I am no longer mean and they can find better friends cuz I suck at being a good one but they said Eublepharis would be sad so I am still friends with them. I don’t hate them, I don’t romantically like them, but I’m still very judgemental, how do I stop? I have asked them to wait so I can have a proper answer since I do not have a therapist at the moment and do not feel fully here or there or anywhere, this post is very long, my bad.