Tl;dr: Seemingly good coparenting relationship yet son’s father keeps lying about his relationships despite me saying I don’t care if he’s dating and hope he finds someone who is good to our son.
I (35f) share my 4 yo with his father (34m we’ll call him K for reference), split custody.
Quick relationship history- we have known each other for nearly 20 years, I think he’s always had a thing for me. He’s asked me out numerous times over the years, we’d go on a lunch date here and there, I just never felt like we clicked. Then it’d be a few years until we’d see each other again. Well, nearly five years ago we ran into each other, texted for a week or two, went out to dinner, slept together ONCE and I ended up pregnant. We talked about trying for a relationship after just realized we really weren’t compatible. We have coparented very cordially (for the most part) since. I think because we don’t have an intense relationship history we have been able to get along and communicate really well. He tells me all the time he couldn’t imagine his son having a better mom, that he’s so thankful for all I do for our kiddo and that he appreciates the job I’m doing. He text me things like this on a fairly regular basis.
We have had conversations on dating others and had mutually agreed that if one of us was seriously seeing someone we could let the other know before we introduced them to our son, and that casual dating would on our own time and not around our son to avoid random people coming in and out of our son’s life. I was in a long relationship for a few years and my bf had met K and they were cordial. I was also very upfront with K when the relationship ended just a few months ago.
So the thing I’m struggling with is that despite these conversations, and despite what seems to be a good coparenting relationship with good communication, K keeps lying about the relationships he’s in. The area we live in has a somewhat small social scene and I’ve always worked jobs with the public.. I know a lot of people and people casually share A LOT of information. At this point I know he’s brought at least 3 different women around my son. The first two I was completely unaware of until friends brought up “running into K and his new girl” and when I’d go to scope out the girls on social, realizing these women already knew who I was and had blocked me. There were times I’d go to pick my son up from K’s house and he’d take forever to answer the door because a girlfriend would be there she’d be trying to hide before I’d come in to get my son. I’m very intuitive person and also very observant and started to catch on to his different mannerisms when he was obviously hiding things. I tried to casually bring up that I don’t care if he’s dating but it would be nice to know If other women are getting involved in my son’s life. I’m telling you, I’m calm, collected and very understanding when it comes to these conversations. I’ve told him I hope he meets someone amazing who is good to our son, and I really do hope that he meets someone who is eager to be just as cordial in this coparenting relationship. He agrees with the things that are said during these conversations and keeps swearing if anyone were serious he’d let me know. I had later brought up one of the girls in the past and how he’d “hide” her and his only excuse was she was intimidated by me and uncomfortable being around me (even though I had never met her she had only seen my pic on Instagram by looking me up).
So recently my son starts talking about this girl “Lindzey” (name changed). The first time I heard about her, I’m taking my son for a walk and he paused to pretend puke “like Lindzey at the beach.” I asked who Lindzey was and why she was throwing up at the beach and he told me daddy’s friend who has a fish at her house and they all go to the beach together. The next time I see K I bring up the throwing up incident and ask him to be cautious of the situations he’s exposing our son to. (Side note, Needless to say I’m not keen on this story but I also understand that I have no control over his life and friends circle and I know he loves my son enough to hopefully always have his safety in mind I don’t fight on what he does ever in his own time as long as my son is safe and cared for). So when I bring up this girl at the beach he tells me it was just a random in the friend Group who got too drunk and got sick. The next time I pick my son up he continues talking about spending time with Lindzey. Her friends, her pool, going swimming with her and hanging out. One day after I picked him up, as we’re leaving he asked where his daddy was going after he dropped him off. I told him his daddy had to go home and he replied with “no he has to take Lindzey home” and said she had been in the car with daddy. I texted K and asked me why he didn’t introduce me to Lindzey if she had been in the car at drop off (I didn’t see her through tinted windows) and he said he didn’t realize it was a big deal and he didn’t think of it. We then again had the conversation that I do not care if he’s dating but he’ll let me know and he swore up and down that he wasn’t dating her, that he would never bring women around our son like that because his mom did it and he hated it and stressed again and again that she was just a friend. Well just a few days later a friend of mine sends me a screenshot of Lindzey‘s Instagram post from the same day as this conversation of her and my son‘s dad with the caption “my baby love”. So they’re obviously dating.
The thing I don’t understand is, if we have this good coparenting relationship and seem to communicate well why is this the one area that K refuses to be honest with me about? If his relationship is out there, people in the small town that we grew up in are seeing them together, it’s posted on the Internet… Why choose to lie? Even after I’ve expressed that I am 100% OK with it, I just appreciate the conversation. It also has led me to wonder what he says to these women about me if in the past the girls he’s dated have blocked me before I even knew they existed. I don’t get it. I don’t want to fight about it, at this point I don’t even think I’ll bring it up to him because I’m not trying to start a fight… But it feels very insulting that he thinks I believe him when he’s lying straight to my face when I’m trying to have a cordial conversation. I’m just confused if our relationship seems cordial why all the lies? It makes me wonder what else he could possibly be lying about which causes insecurity in sharing my son with him. I guess I’m just trying to understand it because it makes zero sense to me…
6 comments
Eh I think he’s either just a coward or he wants to keep something with you as a possibility and telling you about other girls would prevent that?
In any case I agree there’s not much you can do and there’s really no point in bringing it up again unless your son mentions something happening that would be concerning.
Actually, he’s probably just created some half true sob story to make himself look good that is a bit of a lie and doesn’t want you and the GF to compare notes. It’s probably that simple.
I think he lies because he doesn’t want to divulge the info, maybe he finds it to be intrusive but if that’s the case, he should just say that. Maybe he is afraid it might screw up the good co-parenting relationship by bringing another person in the mix. We will never know unless he says what the issue is.
I know it would be a nice courtesy but I don’t think he is obligated to share who he is dating unless they are moving in together, getting married, he’s leaving his son with this person or there are safety concerns, that would be totally different but it seems like you trust his parenting. He shouldn’t be having all these women in and out the son’s life but if overall you feel like he will make good decisions while the son is with him then I wouldn’t worry about it.
Idk he doesn’t HAVE to tell you who he is dating, yeah it’s a nice gesture, but that’s it, and you don’t have to disclose that information to him either.
But if you suspect that those people could be dangerous something like that, then tell your ex that.
I completely understand he doesn’t HAVE to tell me if he’s dating someone but the fact that we had the conversation where we mutually agreed that we would just let the other person know if a dating partner would be in our son’s life but then he continues to lie to me about it just seems weird if we seem to have a good relationship otherwise. Especially when it’s not a secret to the rest of the world…
Why is he bringing your son around drunk person, that’s so fucked up. I think children should only meet boyfriends/girlfriends if it’s really serious and if they’ve dated for a while. He isn’t prioritizing your son (he seems to prioritize himself having fun).
I definitely think he is telling the people he dates about you and it’s not good things. What other reason is there to block someone you have never met besides K telling them your a crazy person or something?
And I understand your frustration. It pisses me off IMMENSELY when someone lies right to my face when I know the truth so I dont know how you have tolerated it for so long. My theory is that he is one of those guys that will call a girl a “friend” but do all the things a couple does for an extended period of time because he doesn’t want to put a label on it. Thus, circumventing your rule of mentioning women he is dating because they are just “friends”. In essence, he drags them along until they get fed up with him not making the relationship official (hence the multiple women he has dated that you weren’t aware of). Unfortunately, he is too stupid to realize that children have no filter and they will spill alllll the tea.
If I were in your position, I would sit him down and have one last serious talk. I would reiterate that I do not care if he wants to date people but I need for us to be on the same page about introducing love interests to our son. And if he denies that he isn’t dating anyone/isn’t introducing him, I would rephrase my expectations as “please dont introduce our son to any women you are sexually actively with or WANT to be sexually actively with before letting me know”. And then I would leave it at that. I wouldnt ask him about it anymore (because your son is going to spill the beans anyway) and if he refuses to stick with this agreement, then when I start dating I won’t give him the courtesy of knowing when I introduce the son to my bf.